With the arrival of the pandemic, people everywhere found themselves suddenly having to transition to working from home.
In some households, this caused significant strain as families tried to figure out how to handle their new schedules and lifestyles.
One Redditor found themselves frustrated on the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit as they were pushed to take on more of the household responsibilities.
The Redditor, who has since deleted their account, was still working, however, from their own home.
But when they began to have disagreements with their fiancé, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if they were wrong for not trying to do it all.
They asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my fiancé I couldn't deal with everyday errands just because I work from home?"
The OP felt pressured to handle household and work tasks at the same time.
"My fiancé and I live together. We have lived together for almost two years."
"I currently am working from home. He works outside of the home."
"Ever since I started working from home last year, he thinks just because I am home, that means I can handle all these errands and household to-dos."
But the pressure came to a head over a home delivery.
"The issue that had driven me to write this post is a gravel delivery. We rent our house, which has a very long driveway made up of gravel. It desperately needs to be refilled."
"Our landlady is going to pay for it. She lives right near us."
"The gravel delivery was supposed to happen this morning, while I would be working."
"While this was already annoying due to the noise, it needed to be done, so oh well. After the delivery, they were supposed to drive down to my landlady's house and get their payment."
"Well, the gravel truck ended up breaking down so they can't do any of this until tomorrow morning. My landlady isn't available then."
"My fiancé wants me to coordinate the payment for them and oversee the delivery and spreading of the gravel (that's what the landlady/her son was supposed to do)."
The OP used the opportunity to set a new boundary.
"I flat out told him no. I have several conference calls tomorrow and just don't have the time to worry about it. I told him that just because I am home doesn't mean I am free to do errands or chores. I'm still working."
"He called me an a**hole and said I could take my computer outside and work and it would only take a couple of hours. That isn't an option due to the noise that will be present."
"I told him he could leave the payment and I would make sure they got it, or they could get it out of our mailbox, but I was not overseeing the entire thing as he wanted. Or we could reschedule for when he was off work, I was off work, or the landlady was available."
"Mind you, he does stuff like this ALL the time. Expecting me to handle all our responsibilities since I'm technically at home."
"AITA for refusing?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said this demonstrated how much respect the fiancé has for the OP.
"You know the answer ... NTA. Tell fiance he just failed a test, he's demonstrated he has little regard for your time and career, and he needs to explain why you shouldn't reconsider everything." - mikekingmoore
"He can now do all the grocery shopping and miscellaneous shopping since he's out and about. He can take all the bills to work and pay those, he can do the taxes because he can take them to work and do those."
"He can clean the bathrooms before and after work. He can come home during his lunch hour and clean the kitchen, laundry, and vacuum. He can start doing all the cooking on Saturdays and Sundays and freeze them."
"He can start helping out. Your work time is not time for you to do anything in the home. List everything that needs to be done in the home and outside the home and then split it."
"As far as extra things like this gravel thing, that needs to be taken care of by the landlady and she needs to reschedule it."
"This is a red flag. When you have kids, who do you think he will expect to do it all? Let family and friends know what he expects while you are supposed to be working which will jeopardize your job. NTA. However, he is an AH." - Feeling-Fab-U-Lus
"When my ex and I started working from home last year, I had to tell him multiple times he couldn't just start talking to me because it absolutely killed my concentration for nothing."
"I always did the 'are you available, I want to share a thing' charade dance when I needed him."
"He never learned to respect my time and I eventually started ignoring him through my headphones."
"To no one's surprise but his, he is an ex." - thehappiestelephant
Others agreed with the OP's work-from-home frustrations.
"Why on earth do people think WFH means that it's a free for all? NTA." - smartiesmouth
"I work at work, with virtually no supervision. But I still do my work - if I was doing other things, the drop in quality would be noticeable."
"WFH is no different." - PillowOfCarnage
"I am also WFH. My husband works in a store. My MIL called me one day and said, 'I am calling you because I know [husband] is working'."
"Right. And what do you think I am doing? Watching the paint dry?" - Meilaia
"Exactly. My in-laws came by to drop some stuff off one day and were literally P**SED that I didn't leave my very important zoom meeting to hang out with them a bit."
"They also brought up to my SO (significant other) how there should have been no dirty dishes and the floor really needed to be mopped and how I need to be doing that since I'm at home."
"Luckily SO knows the demands of my job and actually flipped out on them, telling them everything I do in a day."
"Btw (by the way): my house wasn't a mess that day. There was a bowl and a spoon on the counter from my lunch break, and granted the floor did need to be mopped, but it wasn't nasty at all. Just a regular hardwood floor that hadn't been mopped in a week."
"Ever since then, they aren't allowed to come over during the times I work. They have no idea what I do all day and I have a very complicated job. Not to mention typically on my breaks, I'm finishing laundry, wiping down cabinets, sweeping, moping, whatever needs to be done."
"I'll never understand why to some people 'work from home' means sitting on your a** in your house all day, free to do whatever is needed'." - brandi__L
We've all struggled in some way with our work during the pandemic, but sharing the load in a unique way with the people we live with has been especially tiresome.
And the subReddit seemed to agree on this one, the OP shouldn't have to do household chores they wouldn't normally be able to do outside of the home during their work hours.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.