With the rise of work-from-home employees during the pandemic, more people have discovered the unique difficulty of being able to work from the living room: finding a healthy work-life balance.
One guy on the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit particularly struggled with this.
Redditor derphubby found it difficult to balance his work and the house chores in particular.
Feeling burned out, the Original Poster (OP) came up with a solution that he thought would be helpful, but his wife did not agree.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for hiring someone to help my wife instead of doing it myself?"
The OP worked from home and also handled most of the chores.
"I do most of the housework."
"My wife worked at a family restaurant as a kid so she won't do anything involving the kitchen or bathroom, including sharing the cooking. All of that falls on me, as well as dishes, laundry, pet care, yard care, car care, organizing, all of that fun stuff."
"I work from home, so I'm working and doing all of that."
"Most nights my wife comes home and gets to relax or go to her choir practice or her friends' houses."
"All she really does around the house is clean out the fridge once a week, tidy her craft room, put away her clean laundry, and split walking the puppies with me."
"Yeah, we have puppies, who are messy, so right now messes are a constant to be cleaned up while we train them."
"I get pretty tired and get maybe one day a week to just veg (relax)."
"Lately though, on weekends my wife is wanting to do big projects around the house. That means me doing all the heavy lifting AND doing whatever menial daily tasks there are."
"I've mentioned the burnout before, but we haven't really made progress there yet."
With a vacation coming up, the OP wanted some time to relax.
"We're going on vacation this week. I made it pretty clear to her Friday I intended to just relax this weekend before doing all of the prep for leaving and making sure the car is good to go."
"Plus, we're driving the entire way and she hates long-distance driving, so who's going to be stuck doing all the driving too? This guy."
When he didn't get to relax, he hired some friends to do the work instead.
"Low and behold, Saturday rolls around and she wants to organize all our closets and the attic. I told her no, but she insisted on it."
"So I called some friends of ours that are needing some extra cash who have previously offered to do odd jobs for us and other friends if needed."
"I had them help my wife and I left for the day to go relax elsewhere."
"My wife was p**sed and sent our friends home. I still paid them, but I really don't think I was in the wrong."
"My wife thinks otherwise and says that stuff like that is our responsibility and I shouldn't try pawning it off on others."
"AITA?"
The OP later added some details about his wife's ADHD after several Redditors asked.
"When I posted this, I didn't think her having ADHD was a factor in how she previously helped with the chores or now, but hey, I learned something."
"So yeah, she has ADHD, which would explain why she always spaced out/wandered off previously when we did do the chores together."
"She is on medication for it and does have a therapist she works with."
"I did know it was part of why her working in the restaurant has given her such an adverse stance to doing things in the kitchen and bathroom now."
"She was undiagnosed at the time, so what they thought was her just being lazy and goofing off and criticizing her harshly for, was something out of her control at the time and she is currently getting help for that."
Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some suggested having a tough conversation about chores.
"OP should sit down with his wife and map out everything he does at home, about how much time all of that takes, and how much off time he ends up with at the end of the day."
"If she says anything negative then you can compare your schedules to show how much more free time she gets."
"And if she still doesn't think you do a lot, I would ask her if she would like to officially split the chores in half so that way you both get a similar amount of off time and if she refuses ask her why not."
"If she mentions anything about how her free time is valuable, ask why is her time more valuable than yours."
"After all that if she is still insistent that you don't do much then you can think about going on a small strike, or possibly asking to go to couples therapy because she is obviously not taking your feelings and value into account." - AnimalLover38
"I wanted to add an extra strategy to implement along with this plan. If she is 100% unwilling to change and do more chores, lay out options."
"For example, in my household when we feel like the balance is skewed, we discuss how to cut down on certain aspects of cleaning (either long term or momentary cut. For example, washing the floors every two weeks instead of one)."
"Similar to what you attempted so it depends on whether she would listen or ignore you. Regardless I would write down the cleaning calendar with who does what in a prominent position."
"Every week, at first, have a sit-down conversation about what worked and what didn't work and what you would like to change. Start the meeting with goals as well: I want x amount of free time etc."
"Also, another alternative is that -once you write everything down (goals, tasks, frequency desired, etc) for each of you and you are stuck in who will do what (namely if she refuses to help out) suggest hiring a cleaner that comes in once a month or more frequent. Set out options and costs."
"Regardless, write it all down." - mabelbae
"NGL (not gonna lie), I agree with you, but my instant thought is that she doesn't view these projects as 'work' and more as an opportunity to work on something together."
"I have a family member like this who legitimately enjoys yard work and car maintenance and their idea of a fun afternoon is to tidy up a flowerbed. Meanwhile, this is my idea of something that would violate the Geneva convention. I had to explicitly tell them, 'I do this out of love for you but it's not even remotely fun.'"
"While I agree that wife is a TA for not respecting OP's very clearly stated boundary—'nothing on Saturday, SERIOUSLY'—it would be worthwhile to have a sit-down talk with her about household chore divisions and appropriate approaches to large projects." - Stormdanc3
Others felt for the OP's unequal living situation.
"NTA. She doesn't sound like a co-equal partner in the house chores, so why is she dictating the tempo or the rules? She cleans her room, but not the shared spaces. She puts away her laundry? Does she leave yours?"
"It honestly sounds like she has the responsibilities I'd give a child living in the house, rather than an adult."
"I'm not surprised you're feeling burnout; you need support and space. If you can't get that from her, then she's not a partner, she's a burden." - kodiakke
"Lots of people work in cleaning or the food industry and still come home and cook food, and clean their home."
"Unless she has PTSD or another medical condition from working at the restaurant, she's just using it as an excuse to get you to do it instead."
"If she did it well enough to get paid to do it, she knows how to do it properly. Seems like she just doesn't WANT to do it. Well, guess what, nobody does. Tell her to suck it up and deal with it like an adult, because right now she's just taking advantage of you." - PieBandit
"Even if she doesn't want to do the cooking or clean the bathroom there are others things that she could do to make it even."
"She could clean the dish after eating, do all the laundry, vacuum the house … my boyfriend is not the best at making something to eat so I do it and he clean after me. He goes to the grocery store when I clean the house. Sometimes he does more than me and sometimes I do more but we have an agreement together."
"Like, you know … a real partner." - Gobadorgosleep
There are countless reasons why we may not want to, or may struggle with, certain tasks in the home. But as this subReddit pointed out, there are other tasks the OP's wife could help with that would make their living situation more equal.
With the combination of working and cleaning, the OP's home has become more of a place of responsibility than a place of rest.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.