Guessing at someone's intention is almost always a disastrous choice.
It can be so difficult to ascertain what the other person meant by the words they said or the tone that they used.
However, when the words do get under your skin or the inflection of their voice hits a nerve, how do you handle the situation?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) whybotherany when they came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for some outside opinions.
They asked:
"AITA for telling a coworker I'm not interested in prayers?"
OP gave a little history.
"Background:"
"I work for a big corporation."
"I'm Jewish/Atheist with a long history of Christians trying to push their religion on me."
"I'm aware that there are many Christians who don't do this and I believe in respecting people's faiths. I also get annoyed when religion is inserted into the workplace."
Then got right to the issue at hand.
"Today I got an email from an IT person that started with 'pray you and your family are blessed and doing well' before answering my IT question."
"I responded 'not interested in prayers, but thanks for the $solution!"'
"I asked a couple people who told me I was rude, that it's a figure of speech and they were trying to be nice."
"I'm sure they were trying to be nice but I don't like prayer/blessed language directed at me."
"I thought my response was polite-ish as I let them know my preference directly and included the thanks!"
OP was left to wonder,
"So, AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some responses applauded OP's directness.
"NTA"
"I think it's pretty fair to not expect religion in work emails. A lot of businesses and corporations actually have a policy about not pushing your religion on others even this sense."
"I don't think you were rude, just said you weren't interested in it and then thanked them for their help."
"You could have just ignored it and moved on. But at least with you establishing this boundary, it won't happen again in future." ~ wanesandwaves
"NTA."
"You set a perfectly reasonable freedom-from-religion boundary."
"Religion has no place in the (secular) workplace."
"While I'm sure the IT person's intentions were good and kindly, he really shouldn't be bringing religion into the office."
"Maybe your comment will make him think." ~ calligrafiddler
Others felt that OP was being a bit over-sensitive.
"M an atheist, and the wording still sounded rude to me because that's the 1st thing they said."
"(I know the praying part was the first thing in the email they were responding to, but I see it is a kind of greeting of 'hope this finds you well' variety and hence don't mind that it was the first thing in that email)."
"I would keep the body of the email to be just about thanking them for the solution. And then a quick informal P.S. to say that I don't like prayers sent my way because m an atheist." ~ nutwit9211
"Soft YTA."
"I'm an atheist."
"I get squeamish about religious things and hate when it's pushed on me."
"I understand your coworkers phrasing made you a little uncomfortable (I sometimes have that gut reaction, too), but he was sending you well wishes, not actually asking you to participate in prayer."
"(Which is what I originally assumed based on the title)."
"Your response was a little rude, even if it wasn't your intention."
"Kind of reminds me of the people who get offended and snippy when someone wishes them a Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays…"
"You could have easily just said thanks for the IT solution and left it at that."
"Or, maybe you could have phrased your response a bit more gently —"
'"Hey, thanks for the well wishes. But in the future, would you mind avoiding religious language? While I appreciate your intentions, that kind of language makes me a bit uncomfortable."'
"Something like that." ~ BlueBumbleb33
Some offered alternatives to consider.
"I'm not sure where OP is from, but this could very well be a cultural difference."
"I worked with persons from different countries, and have encountered regions where this type of greeting is just the norm (usually where English to not the universal or main language spoken there.)"
"It honestly has little to do with religion."
"The term "pray" is simply meant to denote them hoping that you are doing well as opposed to actually implying that they are actually praying to God that you are well." ~ Electrical-Date-3951
"A good rule is that no one should expect you to use or not use religious language, but you shouldn't expect them to use or not use religious language."
"If someone tries to convince you to become a Christian, then it's entirely fair to tell them to stop - but in this situation I agree with the YTA judgement."
"I'm an atheist and have had religious friends saying that they would pray for me and things like that."
"I don't see why I as an atheist would have an issue with that. Maybe they're wasting their time, but they are just trying to be nice." ~ Citrongrot
"NAH"
"I am also a Jewish atheist and dislike all forms of organized religion but especially fundamentalist types that are imposing their religious views increasingly over society."
"I resent the pervasiveness of Christian practices in public settings like prayers etc."
"However I do pick my battle especially since I actually use 'pray' and 'blessing' sometimes instead of hoping and wish or thiing good thoughts for you."
"For example a friend was going for a biopsy and I wanted to express the sentiment that I was hoping results would be negative for cancer and she was in my thoughts."
"I don't think my hopes have any impact on the outcome any more than I think that prayers to a mythical being do but I wanted to express my feelings in the moment." ~ Jujulabee
Word choice and intent came up several times.
"Agree and also an atheist from a mostly lax but technically Catholic family."
"I think of it as culture/ habit."
"I don't think of it any more than someone saying 'salud' vs 'gesundheit' vs 'bless you' as imposing Spanish or German in the first two."
"I also still use religion-based phrases out of habit sometimes."
"(Mostly cursing, but we are mostly talking about vocabulary choice here)"
"However, I even had a 'praise Jesus' run through my head not long ago which immediately cracked me up because I don't think that had EVER happened before and that's just how relieved I was at something getting resolved. 🤣"
"Faith and religion are rampant and to me it's puzzling more than anything."
"I only bristle when someone tells me to trust in/pray to god or Jesus or otherwise tells me I should engage in a religious practice."
"If they say they will on my behalf, though- whatever."
"If they are genuine people of faith and concerned about me, it's part of their love language."
"If it's something super casual like this, it's up there with them saying something cliche, like 'I'll eat your share!' if I say I don't like eating something."
"Have at it. 🤷🏽♀️" ~ audioaddict321
"I agree with that."
"I don't feel like the IT person meant any harm."
"I don't think they were trying to push their religious views on you you either."
"They just wished your family well."
"I'm pretty sure Christian's aren't the only ones who pray."
"Buddhists pray/meditate. It seems like you assumed this person was Christian."
"That's not really fair. There are many other religions that person could practice that pray. In my opinion YTA." ~ jord-pie
And, yes, there were personal stories.
"One of my co-workers has a client who is very religious, who keeps sending her emails asking her to 'prayerfully consider' whatever it is he is asking for."
"She is Jewish."
"She is not 'prayerfully considering' anything in the way that he wants or expects."
"I advised her to respond (not really lol), 'I asked God, and he said no.' People should not be bringing their religious beliefs into professional interactions, it's not appropriate."
"For those who disagree, I can only say, 'Bless you heart."'~ mlmarte
"I grew up in a Christian home with everything pushed on me too and my family is still like that."
"I can't stand it and it makes me uncomfortable."
"I probably would have said the same as you and for the people who said you were rude, you could say the same to them."
"You said your freedom of speech and if you're not comfortable with this situation than you should be able to say so."
"It's rude of people to push religion onto anyone no matter where." ~ lukieNchristina
Clearly this is a complicated issue.
Reddit may have landed on "NTA" but the comments were certainly a mixed bag.
Judging someone's intention s from a single line of text can be challenging even in the best of circumstances, not even considering office politics, cultural shadings or religious leanings.
Be careful when assuming when it comes to the behavior of others, and try to remember that we're all doing the best we can with a language that is sometimes imprecise at best.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.