A lot of drama can surround planning a wedding with a big family.
There may be times when the guest list cutoff leaves some people feeling sour.
It's especially difficult when the guest list "insults" the inner family circle.
Cutting out distant cousins, aunts, and uncles is one thing, but cutting closer than that can be like cutting to the bone.
And those kinds of cuts leave scars.
Redditor Odd_Arrival6032 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for refusing to attend my sister's wedding because she didn't want my children to be present there?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Indian-American here."
"My sister Parvati is child-free."
"In Indian culture (at least in the part of India I am from), it's extremely rude to invite only one person in a family and specifically say that others should be excluded if you go to their house."
"What you say is 'I'd be glad if all of you came there.'"
"To say 'Hey, [name], I want you to come, and I don't want any of your kids to be present' is extremely rude."
"She is having her wedding in a while and showed up at our house to talk."
"She said, 'I don't want your kids to be there,' when they were present."
"And to them 'Don't ask to come, either. I am not having vagrants ruin the wedding' (convos translated to English.)
"I told her it was really rude."
"She said 'Well, it's my wedding. I get to decide who's invited.'"
"I snapped back 'I am not attending your wedding.'"
"She got mad at me, yelled, and left."
"Others in our family, are calling me a huge a**hole for 'insulting a guest.'"
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. She called your kids vagrants."
"By insulting the host family, she is no longer entitled to the host's courtesy."
"She's allowed to have a child-free wedding."
"You're allowed to not want to go."
"But insulting kids, even if she is a child-free makes her an AH." ~ GreekAmericanDom
"I am an Indian and I can understand how big of an insult it is to get an invite with only your name but at the same time, I also understand that having a child-free wedding is something I would love to go to."
"I have four kids and going with them when they were young was a nightmare and I couldn't leave them at home coz as I said the entire family goes to weddings/functions."
"Having a child-free wedding is good saying that in front of the kids is wrong and then going ahead and calling vagrants is so insulting to OP and her kids."
"OP NTA but be prepared for the push-back that you are going to get from the family." ~ PakaAnonymous
"Child-free Indian weddings aren't a thing."
"The whole wedding is for the community and much more in India."
"I'm middle class and my small wedding in India had 600 people show up."
"That's considered smallish to normal."
"Child-free Indian weddings are not a thing."
"This woman is ridiculous if she thinks her wedding, in India will have no children."
"I get it, she's engaged to a white man and wants some Insta wedding fantasy like she's Priyanka Chopra."
"She ain't. A f**king cow showed up at my sister's wedding."
"She's delusional and this will be a disaster."
"And why don't you want to bring kids to a Sangeet or the wedding?"
"The best part is that all the kids get dressed up and dance and have a blast."
"All the aunties get to meet the babies and dance with toddlers."
"It's wholesome as sh*t... lol." ~ Whatfforreal
"A child-free wedding is okay."
"Insulting the kids to their faces is not okay. Totally agree."
"All she had to say is we're having a child-free wedding. NTA." ~ gelseyd
"This. Child-free weddings are a thing and her wishes should be respected."
"She's under no obligation to invite children to her wedding."
"You're under no obligation to attend."
"Some people don't want to go without their kids, and others simply can't afford a sitter or whatever."
"She has no right to insult your kids and make them feel bad in THEIR OWN HOME."
"Unless context is missing and she was being silly and OP took it badly, NTA." ~ thehumanbaconater
"NTA. Having a child-free wedding isn't unheard of and is up to the couple getting married, but calling them vagrants and insulting them to their face is incredibly rude."
"You have every right to be upset." ~ Lady_Salamander
"NAH. If she's having a child-free wedding, that's her choice."
"And it's a valid choice."
"And you also have the choice not to attend said wedding if you will not attend without your children."
"I assume it's that ALL kids are not invited to the wedding, not only your kids, but it sounds like in particular your sister is worried your kids' behavior will be disruptive."
"Again, it's her wedding and she can invite anyone she wants." ~ profmoxie
"NAH. Not everyone likes kids and your sister doesn't have to have them at her wedding."
"It is perfectly fine to want an adults-only event, especially if all other family functions are otherwise not child-free."
"Your sister not wanting children around at an event that is supposed to be celebrating her and her marriage is fair, especially as you know she is child-free."
"It is not a personal attack, not everyone can handle kids, and you taking it as such is a you problem, not your sister's problem."
"You also should not be pushing once you are told it is child-free, as it is not supposed to be an event about you or your children."
"I would normally throw more shade at that, to be honest, but sister did escalate back."
"I am not going ESH, though, because the root issue is the child-free wedding."
"You are also in your own rights to decline an invitation if your children are not invited."
"Though considering the party involved is your sister, there might be some deserved side eye if childcare is possible and this is just you refusing on principle because it is your sister's wedding, and it kinda feels like you are trying to force her to modify her own wedding to something she doesn't want."
"If you can't arrange or don't feel comfortable with outside childcare, though, that's always a valid reason, morally speaking."
"It is an invitation, not a summons end of the day, though." ~ whichwitch9
"INFO - are ONLY your kids not invited?"
"Do they behave badly at events?"
"If in general, you are just mad because she doesn't want any children at her wedding then ESH."
"If she doesn't want your kids at her wedding for no valid reason then NTA."
"It is very fair to want to have a child-free wedding, I myself will be having a child-free wedding."
"HOWEVER, her telling your kids that they are vagrants is rude and it seems like she has singled out your kids in the way you worded the conversation." ~ Miserable_Cow403
"NTA. what an insult!"
"Your decision not to attend is a reasonable response to her behavior, and you have every right to prioritize your family's feelings and well-being." ~ AverieKings
"Also, Indian-American here, and NTA, depending on what the actual issue is."
"I saw your comment about Parvati's financèe being white, and I get where she's coming from."
"Having a child-free wedding might have been the compromise they came to about their wedding, which is fair."
"I know it's rude in our culture to tell one person from a family they can come while telling another they're not invited."
"You're NTA because the way she said it was indeed very rude, but she's your sister after all and it's equally important to be there to support her as family."
"I would say maybe talk to her and tell her she should've gone about it a different way and that she apologize to your kids for how she spoke."
"Of course, if your issue is that she's excluding the kids and not how she spoke to them about it, I'd say YTA as well cause it's her wedding."
"And even though traditionally the entire family has a say in how it goes, if she's got a plan with her fiancée and they're paying for it, she's well within her rights to dictate that it be a child-free wedding."
"I know kids are excited about weddings but you need to respect her wishes." ~ Salt_Competition3056
"Due to your customs, you may think she is being rude, and honestly if someone spoke to my children like that I would have told them off."
"However, if it's a child-free wedding then she isn't playing favoritism or anything, she just wants the adults to have fun."
"I don't think either of you is an AH but you do need to discuss this."
"Just get a sitter, she is your sister and is getting married; you don't want to miss that." ~ Parking_Editor2468
"NTA. If that had been your reaction to a more appropriate child-free wedding invitation, it would be an AH move."
"But she came over to specifically tell your children they're not invited, insulted them, and was not sensitive at all to your family's culture."
"She was extremely rude for her behavior." ~ Fragrant-Duty-9015
"NTA. She came into your home and insulted you and your kids to their faces."
"She's not mature enough to get married." ~ Anotherthrowayaay
Well, OP, Reddit is with you, for the most part. You're allowed to respond truthfully when someone is rude to you or your family in your own home.
Maybe you and your sister can sit down and speak calmly about the situation.
You were sticking up for your kids.
That's what parents do.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp