How and when parents reveal their pregnancies is their business.
Some people want to shout it out right away.
Some people like to keep it a secret for as long as possible.
The problem with secrets though, is that they always find a way out.
Especially when certain aspects of said secret are obviously showing.
So what is the proper reaction to the whole scenario?
Case in point...
Redditor Relevant_Country_39 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for telling my sister she was being very obvious when trying to hide her pregnancy?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My sister, Amber, is currently 3 months pregnant with twins."
"She's already begun to develop a bump."
"Right now, she's only told me, our parents, and our brother, as well as giving myself and our brother permission to tell our spouses."
"We have all agreed to keep it a secret until she's ready."
"The issue is, she's become very obvious about it."
"To the point where she's doing near comical things to hide it when we're around family (which has been frequently as of late)."
"Picture the stuff people do in sitcoms when the characters aren't pregnant but the actor is."
"Covering her stomach with her purse, holding her older daughter in front of the bump, wearing much baggier clothes when she's typically the type to wear things that show off her figure."
"Amber has always been pretty fit as she's a gym rat."
"The bump itself doesn't even look like extra fat or anything, just a very pronounced baby bump."
"If ever she has to move something from her stomach, she's very quick to hide it."
"So, obviously, many have caught on but for the most part, were good sports."
"No one ever directly asked us but would make hints."
"I never entertained them."
"We all gathered on Sunday for a family dinner."
"Amber was holding her 2-year-old for a bit."
"When the little one wanted to go play, Amber then tried to cover herself with a blanket."
"My cousin (30) said 'Alright, Amber, cut the dramatics. We all know.'"
"A few instantly reprimanded my cousin."
"Amber turned bright red. "
"She refused to say anything at the moment, though later quietly confirmed to our aunt, telling her to spread it around."
"Amber is now very upset."
"I agree our cousin was obnoxious and shouldn't have said anything."
"I've tried to be supportive and comforting."
"However, Amber kept saying 'I don't know how they figured it out!!!'"
"I finally said, 'Sweetie, you really weren't trying hard. I respect why you wanted to wait but by this point, it was quite obvious.'"
"She got mad and tried to insist it wasn't obvious."
"I said it absolutely was and she didn't help matters by acting like she was in a sitcom."
"I stressed our cousin was wrong but she wasn't as stealthy as she thought."
"I was not saying she should've done more to hide it."
"I also don't think she was wrong to hide it."
'I'm just saying the sentiment 'I don't know how they figured it out!!' doesn't work when she was being obvious."
"Now, she's mad at me and says I'm victim-blaming."
"I said I'm absolutely not."
"No one should've said anything, but she was being obvious and she shouldn't pretend otherwise."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"First of all, she is not a victim (unless this pregnancy is the result of a traumatic event)?"
"Second of all, it's not wrong to tell her that it was obvious when she asked the question."
"She just didn't like the answer and unfortunately it came from you so you are the target. NTA." ~ Osidestarfish
"I am currently 4 months pregnant and not all responses out of my hormonal mouth were easily put in the category 'right response.'"
"Especially not when stressed out or emotional."
"And stressed out or emotional can happen cuz of a freaking piece of crisps that happens to look like a duck or something irrationally stupid."
"Cut her some slack, twins are very risky nobody knows what the details of the pregnancy are and how worried and stressed she is about having twins."
"Trying to not deal with family members for as long as possible is completely understandable in my opinion."
"But yes victim blaming is definitely not what happened here." ~ girly-lady
"Yes, but in this case she was doing a lot of things that were uncomfortable or took effort for nothing."
"Holding a 2-year-old in front of you for a while is not that easy, and it is not comfortable to put a blanket on if it's hot (although maybe it was cold weather)."
"Isn't it a bit kinder to just tell her that her efforts are wasted, and it is better to just be comfortable?" ~ elder_flowers
"If someone's that committed to their delusion or facade and it doesn't impact you, I'd leave it be."
"It's like when someone has a bad toupee if they think people are buying it, it's not hurting anyone or you leave it be."
"It's astounding how unwilling to deal with the obvious some people are and you will not be thanked for bursting their bubble." ~Nerditall
"Some people prefer to wait until they get past the first trimester when the threat of miscarriage lessens."
"But at the point she was starting to show because of twins, she should have given up the charade." ~ Creative-Sun6739
"She doesn't have to 'give up the charade.'"
"Cousin should have minded her own business even if it was obvious."
"If it's obvious but someone hasn't said something just follow their lead."
"She's not doing anyone harm in her baggy jumpers."
"Like at work or in a social circle… women suddenly stop drinking, are a bit more sickly, change what they are eating."
"Is it f**king obvious? Yes."
"Should you raise it in front of a big group and make a whole thing about it? No."
I don't think OP is an AH for explaining how they all knew though." ~ lunchbox3
"OP wasn't the AH but she probably didn't need an explanation and just exclaimed something silly out of her emotionally hormon-ridden pregnant brain."
"I am currently 4 months pregnant for the second time."
"The emotional craziness is so irrational."
"To say stupid stuff in a stressful situation isn't surprising."
"It's not victim blaming for sure though."
"But again, I would just give her space and not take anything to heart as long it's harmless emotional stuff like that." ~ girly-lady
"Having just had a 3-month scan myself, I waited to tell most people because I had no idea if my baby was alive or healthy until that scan."
"With twins, it's even more anxiety-inducing as more things could go wrong."
"So she may have not had the scan yet, or only just had it."
"It's totally up to the individual to decide when and who they tell."
"I'd have been gutted if someone did what happened to the OP's sister to me."
"Because if something was wrong with the pregnancy and I had to make a difficult decision, I wouldn't have had the privacy."
"I get that it was very obvious that the sister was pregnant, but saying she didn't try very hard to hide it is weird when she was clearly going extra lengths to hide it, even if unsuccessfully." ~ creepylilreapy
"She was delusional to think her bump didn't show because it did."
"She's been told since then that it was obvious and she is still in denial."
"OP's Sis effectively walked around with that info plastered across her stomach area like a billboard, then got upset when people noticed."
"However what she's probably really upset about is that she couldn't control the size of her bump, which effectively announced her pregnancy for her."
"Everything else is just shooting the messenger."
"If she really wanted to stop the news from getting out, not attending was an option too, but Sis chose to take the risk and spin the wheel of fortune."
"Like I said, if you play stupid games, you really don't have the right to complain about the prizes 🤷♀️." ~ Useful_Experience423
"It was obvious."
"They never asked for confirmation, just for cousin to stop fussing over her bump like it was a state secret."
"Maybe Sis shouldn't have been so rude as to attend and behave in such a ridiculous way; ie I'm obviously pregnant, but anyone who says or asks anything is rude and disrespectful!!"
"Nope. That's completely entitled, rude, and selfish in my book."
"She should've just stayed home if she was that bothered."
"It is not everyone else's job to pander to her delusional insistence that her bump was hidden."
"She *knew *it showed, which is why she kept trying to hide it."
"This is 100% the result of her own actions."
"Sis was pregnant, Sis couldn't cover it effectively."
"Sis decided to attend knowing this."
"Sis expected everyone to ignore the obvious bump."
"Sis expected everyone to politely ignore her messing with blankets to cover up the bump everyone had already seen."
"Sis is now upset she bet on no one noticing and lost."
"How do you read that and think Sis is in the right?" ~ Useful_Experience423
"There is no victim here."
"She tried to hide something and she couldn't do it."
"Nothing was done to her and really she wasn't really even insulted."
"If anything her theatrics were insulting the intelligence of everyone around her. NTA." ~ Facetunethis
"The wording could've been better."
"'Sweetie, you really weren't trying hard' might've sounded less accusatory as 'You're trying but it's just become way too obvious' either way NTA." ~ Katapotomus
"NTA. I don't get what she was a victim of."
"The way she was hiding it makes me think she actually wanted people to notice she was pregnant and say something." ~ Irdgafbra
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
Maybe a little more finesse would have been nice, but you weren't being malicious.
Wishing your sister luck with the babies.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp