It’s completely understandable that when someone is planning a wedding, the whole wedding party will be incredibly excited for the special day.
But couples can lose sight of the fact that the most special day in their lives will not be the most special in everyone else’s, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor pr1ncessazula recently discovered that her two-year-old daughter had epilepsy, and she was still sorting out her daughter’s diagnosis, triggers, medications, and more.
When her brother accused her of being selfish by not attending his childfree wedding, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was wrong to be uncomfortable with hiring a babysitter yet.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not attending my brother’s childfree wedding because I don’t want to get a sitter?”
The OP’s brother surprised his family with news of his upcoming wedding.
“My (25 Female) brother (20 Male) is getting married to his fiancée (19 Female) in two weeks, which we just found out over the weekend.”
“They are getting married on her father’s estate, and the reception will be there, as well.”
“I don’t really interact with his fiancée much, but she seems nice and makes my brother happy, so good for them.”
“They let us know that the wedding would be childfree, as well, which is entirely their choice.”
The OP had to make a tough decision about the wedding.
“As much as it hurts, I don’t think I am going to be attending.”
“My daughter (2 Female) has recently been diagnosed with epilepsy, which I have also dealt with most of my life, so I know this gets worse before it gets better.”
“We are going through tests, medication changes, etc…”
“The venue is over three hours away and I am completely uncomfortable leaving her for that long.”
“My husband and I are together, but because of his job, he will be away at the time of the wedding, so it’s not like he could be with her while I attend.”
The OP’s brother did not appreciate her decision.
“I let my brother know this, and he was hurt and said that I am punishing them for having a childfree wedding, and they are entitled to do so.”
“I said he is absolutely entitled to do so, but they gave little notice, and he can’t get mad when people put their children first, especially when they are dealing with medical issues.”
“He said I should just get a sitter.”
“I told him absolutely not, I am not comfortable doing that with everything going on.”
“He said I was being an a**hole and ‘Sorry the world doesn’t revolve around your kid.'”
“This is really out of character for him. He said things like, ‘I’ve dealt with enough seizures for a lifetime’ (which honestly hurt me a lot, I couldn’t control my own medical issues). I just don’t know what has gotten into him.”
The family was divided on the issue.
“My parents understand my decision.”
“His fiancée thinks I am being a complete a**hole, as well.”
“I tried to ask if it was possible if I could watch the wedding from inside the house on the estate, and I said I could bring toys for my daughter to play inside.”
“His fiancee said no because my daughter ‘would probably break something.'”
“AITA?”
One Redditor had a theory about the wedding right away.
“NTA. Tell your brother the world doesn’t revolve around his shot-gun wedding.” – TheHermanator119
The OP was able to confirm.
“How did you know?! lol (laughing out loud).”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hol”
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought it shouldn’t be that hard to make arrangements for a family wedding.
“YTA. Your sibling only gets married once. Why not bring your daughter and someone with you to watch her in your hotel or wherever you’re staying? You could make a fun trip out of it and take her to do things locally.” – CheesecakeNo1581
“YTA. You can be there for your brother. Get it together.” – LostInLies1
“I guess I will have an unpopular opinion, but I find YTA (although ‘a**hole might be a bit strong in this situation!).”
“A wedding is an important occasion, and although I sympathize with the challenges you’re going through with your kid’s health, it seems hard to me to understand how getting a babysitter for one night would be that crazy of an ask.”
“You could manage to ensure you are able to get back home as soon as possible if needed (i.e. don’t drink, have transportation available, etc.).” – Sciencepol1983
“You’re really gonna miss your brother’s wedding because you don’t want to get a sitter? Maybe he’ll remember that when you next need him for something.”
“YTA. Just get a sitter for a few hours.” – Some_Enthusiasm_471
“Soft YTA… There are definitely ways around this if you really wanted to go. You could get a hotel near the venue and have a friend watch your daughter there so you’re really close by. You could only go to the ceremony and skip the reception so you’re not gone long. There are bound to be other options if you’re willing to actually look for them.”
“You do have a bit of time to make arrangements and have a plan in place if you truly wanted to go and it was important to you. Instead, you immediately jumped to, ‘No, I’m not going.'”
“So yeah, you’re a bit of an AH and you not going is something that I don’t think your brother and his future wife will ever get passed.” – readstomuch
Others reassured the OP her daughter could be more important.
“Absolutely NTA. The world doesn’t revolve around your child, true, but right now YOUR world does revolve around your child. The world also doesn’t revolve around his wedding, either.”
“This is not a case of you just not wanting to bother with a sitter. Your child has seizures for crying out loud! To top it off, it’s not well managed yet, and she’s not old enough to tell anyone when she thinks she might be about to have one. I wouldn’t leave my child with a sitter three hours away if I was you, either.”
“Part of having children is dealing with medical issues, and I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you right now. Part of having a childfree wedding is accepting the fact that some family members won’t be able to attend. If they can’t accept that, that’s their problem, not yours.”
“Take care of your baby girl and tell your brother and soon-to-be SIL that you’re not risking your child’s health to satisfy them.” – BoundPrincess84
“NTA.”
“A wedding invitation is an INVITATION, not a demand to appear. Anyone can RSVP no for any reason, and you’ve got a very valid reason here.”
“I would not be leaving a two-year-old with newly diagnosed epilepsy with a sitter either, particularly since family sitters aren’t going to be an option because, duh, family wedding.” – PurpleMarsAlien
“NTA.”
“Your two-year-old needs you physically more than your brother needs you. They can stream it, and you can attend it virtually, but I think you being responsible and wanting to be there for your daughter in case anything happens triumphs over everything else.”
“They gave little notice and know you have a child with epilepsy. It wasn’t considerate of you (which is their right because it’s their wedding), but you’re uncomfortable leaving her for almost a whole/half day.”
“Listen to your discomfort, and sorry, but the world doesn’t revolve around him or his wife. He and his fiancee sound like they need to grow up, unfortunately.”
“The fact that your parents also understand your decision is right on the money to say you’re NTA because they’re actual parents too, and they understand they have responsibilities as parents. Your brother does not.” – TimotheeChalamet
“NTA. Your husband is working, your parents will be attending, and it seems like all of the humans you’d trust to take care of her aren’t able to babysit.”
“It’s not a normal situation, and your brother and bride are not being gracious at all about her diagnosis and the impact of that on your family.”
“Your daughter comes first. Plus, they gave a two weeks notice for a child-free event. They get what they get and you don’t throw a fit.”
“Hopefully, with time, they will see what a**faces they are being. Good for you for saying no.” – ThatH**laHighHobbit
“NTA. I was initially going to go with N A H until your brother reacted the way that he did. He has every right to have a childfree wedding, but he has to understand that doing so might prevent some people from being able to attend.”
“Is there any sort of compromise where you could hang out in the back of the ceremony with your daughter and then head home before the reception? That way, you can still at least be present for the wedding itself and be in any family pictures or otherwise.”
“At least for people I know who have gone childfree, their main concern was not having kids screaming during the ceremony, and also not having kids running around during the reception.” – Tiny-Glove-7449
Though everyone could empathize with the OP’s daughter being diagnosed with epilepsy, they seemed to be divided on the issue in the same way the OP and her brother were.
Some thought that she should be able to create some accommodations to be able to attend her brother’s special day, while others were much more worried about her being so far away from her daughter, her daughter’s health condition still being sorted out, and the fact that there had been so little notice given to figure all of this out.