Doctors and scientists are finding autism affects a lot more in day-to-day life than they ever imagined.
For example, pain is experienced differently. Things that should hurt may not hurt at all or may only cause mild discomfort. Things that shouldn’t hurt can be excruciating.
Hunger and the flavors and textures of foods also weigh heavily upon daily life.
One thing that doesn’t impact autism’s triggers or reactions is a person constantly saying not to have them.
A mom whose cousin doesn’t understand her autistic son turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
CreditUnhappy899 asked:
“AITA for setting a boundary about not wanting to talk about food, which led to my cousin cutting me off?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (30s, female) have a young son, Asher, who has significant challenges with food due to autism. His eating habits aren’t just ‘picky’—they’re tied to how he processes the world.”
“It’s something we’ve been working through with professionals, and it causes me a lot of stress and anxiety. I cry over it multiple times a week.”
“My cousin Kelsey and I were close, but over time, our conversations around food became really triggering.”
“She would often send photos of her child eating healthy meals, make comments about how certain foods are ‘gross’ or ‘bad’ (foods Asher eats, like Goldfish), and send me suggestions or tips that—while maybe well-intentioned—came across as passive-aggressive advice that I didn’t ask for.”
“One time Asher was eating Goldfish and she casually mentioned she read they’re a leading cause of cavities. Stuff like that adds up when you’re already emotionally overwhelmed.”
“After talking to my therapist, I decided to set a boundary. I messaged her to say that food is a hard subject for me, and I’d prefer not to talk about it anymore.”
“I made it clear it wasn’t about her—it was about my own anxiety and what I’m going through with Asher. I even said I was embarrassed to admit how hard it’s been, and I just wanted to avoid the topic to protect my mental health.”
“She didn’t take it well. She said maybe they just ‘shouldn’t come around anymore’, and when I tried to clarify that I wasn’t blaming her and that I valued our relationship, she doubled down and said she was distancing herself.”
“I stayed calm, explained again that I wasn’t accusing her of anything, and that this boundary was about me—not her.”
“Here is the full text convo between Kelsey and I:”
“Me: hey kelsey! i wanted to tell you something. i think talking about food with not only you but with everyone triggers me and causes like a lot of anxiety. I was talking to my therapist about it today, and she told me to maintain open communication about it. I didn’t want to be open about how it makes me feel because I don’t want to hurt your feelings in any way, and honestly, it’s very embarrassing to admit how much it affects me. The other day, when we were talking about what Jett was eating and had a conversation surrounding it, I had to take half of a Xanax, lol. Ik how ridiculous it sounds. It’s crazy lol. But, i just wanted to let you know so we wouldn’t hit that topic anymore in our convos because my anxiety cannot handle it. i hope you understand and don’t think im totally insane. All of the anxiety comes from mine and asher’s struggle with his food. i think i cry probably three or four times a week because of his diet. he is making progress but i just wanted to elaborate on how much it affects me because i never talk about it.”
“Kelsey: Maybe we don’t need to come around anymore then”
“Me: i’m confused.”
“Kelsey: We won’t be around.”
“Me: i’m still confused. I was just telling you that I didn’t want to talk about food with you or anyone because of the personal things I go through with Asher. i don’t know why you wouldn’t want to come around because of that.”
“Kelsey: Because it’s easier for me. This is me setting my boundary as well.”
“Me: i’m still confused. i tried to call because maybe that would bring me some clarity on what’s happening and we can talk through it”
“Kelsey: Because I’m not going to be blamed for your triggers in a conversation that you contributed to. Saying ‘hey I don’t want to talk about this’ or changing the subject is communicating. Not ‘I had to take a Xanax because of you’.”
“Me: i think there’s been some miscommunication. i wasn’t blaming you at all. My goal was simply to be open about how certain topics, like food, affect me personally, given my current struggles with Asher’s diet. i shared about the anxiety i experience not to place blame, but to help you understand why i’d like to avoid food related topics. i value our relationship and would never want you to feel responsible for something that’s entirely about my situation. i’m sorry if it came across the wrong way, and i hope we can move past this. i really appreciate you listening.”
“Kelsey: There hasn’t. I will be distancing myself from here on out.”
“Me: i’m sorry you feel that way. My intention was never to upset you or push you away; I just wanted to share something personal that’s been hard for me. i hope we can talk about this more when you’re ready, but i respect your feelings and your need for space.”
“My last message never sent because she blocked me. She cut things off completely.”
“I honestly didn’t expect this reaction. I wasn’t rude. I wasn’t attacking her. I set a personal boundary and was shut out over it.”
“I’ve been blocked for months.”
“I understand how it might seem sudden, but I want to give some context. In the past, I did contribute to some food conversations, but a lot of the time I just stayed quiet or gave short responses to try and move the topic along without creating conflict.”
“I didn’t feel comfortable expressing how hard it actually was for me. Eventually, I realized I couldn’t keep pretending it didn’t affect me, so I opened up and set a boundary.”
“Mentioning the Xanax wasn’t to place blame, it was to be honest about how much anxiety I’ve been carrying. I never said she caused it, only that the topic itself is hard for me and I needed space from it.”
“That’s not me turning on anyone, it’s me finally speaking up about something I had been silently struggling with.”
“So… AITA for setting a clear boundary about not wanting to talk about food—even if it made her uncomfortable?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“What I did: I asked my cousin Kelsey to avoid food-related conversations with me because they trigger severe anxiety tied to my son Asher’s feeding struggles. I explained it wasn’t about her personally, just a boundary I needed for my mental health.”
“Why I might be the a**hole: Maybe I was too blunt or made her feel like she was being criticized when that wasn’t my intention. I mentioned taking anxiety meds after a recent convo, which she might’ve interpreted as blaming her—even though I clarified I wasn’t.”
“She said she felt blamed and decided to cut off contact. I’m questioning if setting that boundary and being so open about my anxiety made me the a**hole.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“OP you’re NTA. I am the parent of an autistic child with a restrictive diet too. And have one myself. So I sympathize on that front. But I want to address another angle with you.”
“I hope you can work with your therapist about the grief you’re experiencing with the loss of this relationship, because it IS grief. And I hope your therapist can help you identify if the relationship was truly as beneficial to you and as close as you thought it was because I have a suspicion that it wasn’t.”
“I once lost someone I thought was my best friend in similar, but different circumstances. It sent me reeling and questioning much like this has you.”
“But over time and with reflection (and talking to my own therapist) I was able to identify that it WASNT a healthy relationship for me and hadn’t been for a long time (if ever). It wasn’t my fault in any way and over the long term I’m better off without her draining my emotional resources.”
“So just know it isn’t you, it’s her. She threw a tantrum.”
“A good friend—a real friend—doesn’t do that. Someone who truly cares about you would be concerned for YOU and what you’re going through and not make your mental health needs about THEM.”
“Take care of yourself OP.” ~ notquitetame3
“So now you know, she was doing it maliciously, and when you asked her to stop, she got upset that she couldn’t bully you any more. NTA.” ~ DracoPaladin
“You’re absolutely good, you could not have been clearer. Completely NTA.” ~ Tatterjacket
“OP It’s unfortunate that your cousin couldn’t respect it, but your priority should be your well-being and your family. It sounds like you communicated it clearly and calmly, so you did your part. NTA!” ~ 69MysticPeach
“NTA. You set a reasonable boundary and were clear it was about you and your issues and NOT her. She responded quite poorly—that is on HER, NOT you.”
“Honestly, I know this is hard, but I’ve dealt with family and friends like this and it’s just not right. You deserve better.”
“You are better off without her in your life at this point, as she will only cause you stress. Stay strong—you were valid in setting a reasonable boundary.” ~ SeaLandscape6012
Boundaries are healthy, but you can’t dictate other people’s behavior. Boundaries set expectations from others, but only dictate what the person with the boundary is going to do.
Other people can respect them, ignore them, or walk away.