Redditor hikinggalthrowaway is an avid hiker and has a male friend who has a tendency of inviting himself to her group hikes.
He also mansplains a lot.
Not wanting to further be subjected to his condescension, she did what she thought was necessary when he caught wind of her future hiking plans.
She visited the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for being honest on why a friend couldn't come hiking with me?"
"I (F[emal] 28) am an avid hiker and camper. I've done the PNT by myself, dozens of solo camping trips and will hopefully be doing the Appalachian trail this spring. All this is not to brag, but just to say I know what I am doing."
"There's a guy about the same age as me in my friend group who has invited himself on a few camping trips and it's never fun. He 'mansplains' a lot, like telling me why I shouldn't wear particular socks and that my backpack is packed incorrect."
"While I never want to body shame, he is also not in the best shape and requests breaks frequently. He considers himself an outdoorsman type."
"That's fine, except last time we went camping I ended up trekking his (absolutely useless) inflatable couch down the mountain because it was hurting his back."
"This coming weekend I am planning a hike with one other friend. It is not an easy hike, rated about 4-5 stars and typically described as one of the hardest hikes in the East."
"When this guy got wind of that, he texted me and said 'you need to make room for one more in your car.' I just said, sorry, there wasn't any room but he kept on pushing for a better explanation and that he knew I could take him."
"I finally said 'this is a really hard hike. I do not think you can handle it. Maybe you can, but if you can't I do not want to have to deal with an emergency while scrambling up a cliff.'"
"He is PISSED. Told all of our friends what I said and they are actually on my side, which is nice. But one girl said I should not have embarrassed him. I didn't mean to. I just can't bring him along and take a risk. AITA?"
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
One Non-hiker had a nagging question.
"NTA. Inflatable couch? Is this something serious hikers bring?"
"No shade on the concept of comfort - it's absolutely something I would enjoy but I'm not now or ever a serious hiker or camper. Just wondering." - Pistalrose
The OP clarified:
"Lol. There's these things called fatboys- I know some companies call them lamzacs? They're like inflatable couch pod things? I carried two once. On an overnight baby camping trip for my two little nieces. I would never have a couch." –
She also updated her post to include:
"Lmao, I keep getting questions about the couch. It was some Coleman getup, very unwieldy and a good extra 10lbs."
"As one of you guessed, the hike is Katahidn via Hunt trail."
"I'm also wondering about some of the crush comments now, cause he seemed put out when I was content to sit on my foamie. Also, he's know my (also a woman) fiancée for about three years now."
Redditors continued to weigh in with their NTA judgments.
"NTA. I hiked Katahdin a long time ago in the scouts and it was a difficult hike even then, but I can't remember which trail, we hiked the knife's edge on the way out."
"That is def not a hike for beginners or someone who isn't in good shape, some of my troop couldn't finish it even though they were young and athletic." – Tdrive1300
"First off thank you for thinking of the emergency rescue people. Not enough people do that before heading out into the wilderness."
"Secondly, regardless of if he could handle the hike or not, he wasn't invited. I mean who invites themselves like that? 'you need to make room for one more in your car' Ew."
"NTA. But he definitely is." – cr2810
"did you tell him th truth in a group text? If not, then he embarassed himself by telling your group of friends. NTA." – FrnchsLwyr
When the OP confirmed the "exchange was private," FrnchsLwyr replied:
"right, so gaslighting aside, how can you privately embarass him, again? NTA"
People continued slamming the purported hiking expert for being the guy nobody wants at their party but somehow shows up.
"NTA. You tried to give him a face-saving out, but he pressed you repeatedly for a full explanation, so, eventually, you gave it to him. He sounds terrible and I hope he is mad enough to avoid hiking with you from now on." – AllegedLead
"NTA. So not only is he physically unable to hike safely but he's also unable to understand that it's inappropriate and rude to invite yourself along on someone else's outing? This guy sucks." – NUTmeSHELL
"He wasn't invited! It's bad manners to invite yourself, and demand to be accommodated in the vehicle and on the trip!"
"Plus, you don't enjoy his company. Plus, past experience. There's loads of reasons why he shouldn't come. The 'women shouldn't embarrass men' thing is nonsense that you do not need to pay attention to."
"Just tell him that if you ever consider bringing him, you'll let him know with a proper invitation. Until then, he should assume he's not welcome on this trip or any other. NTA." – Reasonable_racoon
"I don't go into the woods with anyone I don't trust knows what they are doing...unless they are someone who is there to specifically learn and will listen to the experienced people."
"You have every right to not want to take an inexperienced 'know it all' into the wilderness where you would then be responsible for them."
"This dude can kick rocks. NTA." – Ron_Fuckin_Swanson
"NTA. Honesty was required, especially with safety on the line."
"You did not embarrass him. He chose to make his being pushy and your response public. That was his choice." – Decent_Ad6389
"NTA. I just dealt with this, doing a multi day paddling trip. I let him come along and it was a complete regret."
"You can only support another person so much. They have to be able to pull their weight. If they can't, they have no business going. Them being at risk puts you all at risk, as a group is only as strong as their weakest link." - Pronky22
Many Redditors said the guy embarrassed himself and agreed with the OP for being upfront with him over safety concerns.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and IÂ got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.'Â And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.