Weddings are big business in the United States. There’s an entire industry built around people willing to spend up to millions of dollars for a single event.
And too many couples or families find themselves deeply in debt because of it. Not a great way to begin a new chapter in life.
A woman who doesn’t think a wedding is worth ruining her finances turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback on a hypothetical solution—asking “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA)—to their problem.
Horror-Paper-6574 asked:
“WIBTA if I refused to pay for a crazy expensive bachelorette party?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“So my (32, female) cousin (34, female, we’ll call her Calli) is getting married early next year.”
“We’re pretty close, we even lived together for a few years in college. We don’t talk every day but at least once a month and at all family events.”
“This is the first marriage for both her and her man. They’re very excited and are going all out with the wedding—we live in a fairly cheap state, but her wedding will still cost around $40K.”
“Our families don’t have a lot of money, so she’s putting most of the expenses on credit cards, doing payment plans, and she even took out a small loan. I don’t think that’s a great idea, but I’ve kept my mouth shut.”
“After all, it’s not my wedding.”
“Anyway, earlier this year Calli asked if I would be her maid-of-honor along with another married friend of ours. I was incredibly excited and, of course, said yes.”
“I knew there would be many expenses: dress, hair, makeup, shoes, bridal showers, and the bachelorette party. So I saved my tax refund from this year to make sure I had all the costs covered and I’ve eagerly paid for everything Calli has asked for.”
“Now to the problem.”
“The other maid-of-honor called me the other day and told me that Calli is wanting to go to Disneyland for her bachelorette party. The bride wants three days in California with an AirBnB.”
“I kind of lost my mind over how much that would cost and I called Calli. I tried to be as polite as possible and told her that this felt more like a vacation than a party and I couldn’t afford it.”
“She burst into tears and told me that she has paid for super expensive bachelorette parties for some of her other friends and she deserves to have the same thing. She even suggested I get a credit card.”
“I wasn’t sure what to say to that, so I told her I’d do some budgeting and figure it out. But the thing is, I simply cannot afford that.”
“I don’t have any credit cards, and the few loans I have, I’ve been working really hard on paying off. I’m very conscious of my spending as my parents were never great with their money.”
“They have filed for bankruptcy several times, had vehicles repossessed and we were evicted once when I was a kid. I refuse to end up like them, and am very uncomfortable with the idea of getting a credit card to essentially pay to take Calli on a pre-wedding vacation.”
“I feel like an awful person, but I simply cannot afford this. I know this will upset her and she will be very angry and will probably cry.”
“WIBTA if I didn’t go to the bachelorette party and also don’t offer to pay my portion?”
“Or should I suck it up and just take out a loan?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“If I refuse to pay for my cousin’s crazy expensive bachelorette party, it may end up ruining her party and even our friendship.”
“It makes me an a**hole because I could get a credit card or loan and just pay for it. But I don’t want to.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA) if she said no to spending beyond her means.
“NTA. ‘Sorry Calli! I already am using my tax refund for everything else in your wedding. I don’t have a budget for that Disney expense’.”
“‘I am willing to take you out for a night on the town or for some pampering. I understand if you no longer want me to be your MOH and want one of the brides you spent tons of money on to take you to Disney instead. Let me know your decision’.” ~ Trick_Delivery4609
“‘Perhaps those people you have thrown extravagant bachelorette parties for can throw you one now?’.”
“Seriously, NTA. Why are people expecting others to pay for their parties? When did that become a thing?” ~ LindonLilBlueBalls
“DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT THT TAX REFUND!!”
“Just say ‘I’ve already spent my limit, I don’t want to be homeless’. If she can’t understand since she knows your family situations, then you will have to excuse yourself from it either partially or as a whole.”
“I wouldn’t take out loans and credit cards for my own wedding, why would you for someone else?” ~ Better-Turnover2783
“Oh, honey. I’m a generation older than you. I’m trying not to go all ‘in my day’.”
“But in my day … a bachelorette was a bunch of us getting together, going to a club or maybe using someone’s parents’ pool, sticking a party store tiara on top of the bride-to-be, downing champagne and having a grand old time.”
“Bridal showers were also more modest affairs, usually at someone’s home. Just to be clear … we weren’t poor.”
“Our parents were all solidly middle class—maybe even a little better off than middle class—and we young adults with decent jobs, trying to climb the financial ladder.”
“What Callie wants is OTT insanity. I do not give one single fig how much she’s spent on fulfilling other entitled brides’ ridiculous fantasies.”
“That is absolutely her problem. What she is asking of you is completely out of line.”
“And the suggestion that you put it on a credit card or take out a loan? Get OUT of here.”
“Absolutely, positively, NTA. And a piece of advice? Do NOT allow yourself to be bullied into taking part in this craziness.” ~ Active-Anteater1884
“Please don’t get a credit card to appease the bride. You’re doing a good job by being financially responsible. Credit cards interest rate is insane.”
“Don’t go into debt for this. It is not worth it.” ~ EZVZ1
“Would you go into credit card debt to take a vacation YOU really wanted to take? No? Then why on earth would you do it for someone else?”
“Unfortunately, your cousin has champagne tastes on a beer budget, and it is NOT your responsibility to indulge in that. Obviously NTA.” ~ rosebudny
“Kudos to you for learning from your parents’ financial mistakes. Stick to your principles.”
“I hope your cousin’s marriage lasts longer than the time it takes to pay off those credit cards and the small loan.” ~ smreaves
“NTA. Going into debt for another person’s bachelorette party? No way. You are learning from your parents mistakes, good for you.”
“I too, am from the previous generation and it is shocking to me what goes on for weddings, bachelorette parties, destination everything. It’s a bride getting ready to be married, not the second coming.”
“Makes me wonder who is in it for the actual marriage or just for the ‘event’.”
“And I have to ask, has she been to Disneyland lately? I used to live in California (recently moved) and Disneyland was ALWAYS packed.”
“Hours to wait for a ride, they have on their website how many folks are in the park so you can monitor it, etc… Every day of the week.”
“It’s not like Disney World at all, with all the nice hotels, endless places to eat. And the area around Disneyland is not the greatest, so who knows where the B&B would be.”
“I’d go to Vegas or Disney World (if she is a Disney person) before going to Disneyland. I’ve been to both and Disney World is way better. Sorry, but Disneyland sucks.”
“You need to rethink this wedding. More expenses could be waiting to pop up.” ~ calicounderthesun
“Cable TV and the wedding industry has everyone convinced that a $50k wedding is the norm, and that a wedding that costs less than $20k is tawdry. It’s koo koo bananas.”
“NOBODY CAN AFFORD THIS.”
“It takes an $80k downpayment to buy an average-priced home in this country now. Why anyone would want to start a family in the hole for half that number is alien to me.”~ navkat
“After my daughter was in a wedding and saw the absurdity spent on one day she said whoever she marries better be OK with her buying a nice dress, getting a good photographer and getting married at a town hall or something similar.”
“She said it’s such a waste on one day for 6 hours when you can buy a house or go on multiple nice trips with that money.” ~ Alarmed_Comment37
It’s unfortunate the OP’s cousin doesn’t consider her childhood history with debt.
But the OP definitely has the internet’s support on saying “no” to the insanity.