Planning a trip, whether big or small, takes time and effort.
That is why for many people, having all the information for said trip is imperative.
Having the right amount of planning helps with the comfort of the time away.
When certain details are left out or overlooked the stress reaction is real.
Redditor InformationFar9065 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for leaving my partner's family reunion without warning after he (33 M[ale]) failed to tell me (33 F[emale]) we were having professional family photos taken?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Context: As you can imagine, this is not the first time he's failed to tell me pertinent information about the activity at hand."
"We've had countless conversations about discussing the details ahead of time."
"When similar situations have happened, he has completely failed to take accountability and instead blames me for being inflexible, controlling, etc."
"Background: About 6 weeks ago, I had a major life change back home (different state) that has required me to travel 4 weekends in a row."
"This past Monday, I flew back from my home state and then traveled 4 hours round trip to a neighboring city on Thursday and Friday for a work training."
"When I arrived back on Friday, there was a safety situation at the office that required me to remain at work until 9 pm to have the locks changed."
"Essentially, I was absolutely exhausted by Friday night."
"Situation: My partner was able to leave Thursday evening for his family reunion (at the lake) and we agreed that I would meet him there on Saturday."
"On Saturday, I made the 2-hour drive and arrived at the reunion around 1:30 pm."
"About an hour into being there, I hear one of his cousins say that she has to 'get out and go get ready for dinner.'"
"I look to my partner and ask, 'We're going to dinner tonight?'"
"Another cousin hears me and elaborates that we are also having professional family photos taken at dinner."
"Because we are at the lake, I have only packed athleisure wear and swimsuit cover-ups."
"I have no makeup, no hair tools, and nothing to wear."
"I also have long, curly hair- even a 'wash and go' style takes planning because my hair stays wet for hours."
"His sister tries to reassure me but literally NO ONE wants to be unprepared for professional photos with their in-laws at a family reunion."
"I am simply unable to recover."
"I let him know that I have only packed 1 dress (that is very, very obviously a swimsuit cover-up), and he, in a group conversation with his family, attempts to encourage me to wear that cover-up for the pictures."
"I leave the dock and walk back to where we are staying."
"After taking a shower and sorting through my thoughts, I ultimately decide that I will not be attending dinner or pictures."
"At 4:30 pm, his mom knocks on the door and lets him know it is time to leave to make it on time for 5:00 pm pictures."
"I let him know I will not be going and he immediately gets upset with me and insinuates I am being unreasonable."
"At that moment I privately decide I will be leaving the reunion altogether once he goes to dinner."
"I wait for him to leave, pack my stuff, and drive back home."
"He is very upset with me and sends a text saying, 'I am really hurt you left.'"
"We have not spoken since and are in a standoff about the whole thing."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, am I the a**hole for leaving my partner's family reunion after he failed to prepare me for professional family photos?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA - but was there not an email or text thread you were a part of here?"
"But yeah, I can't blame you for being pissed." ~ jrm1102
"And where does it end?"
"Does she need to be in all his friend's group chats?"
"His hobby participants group chats?"
"His workplace social group chats?"
"OP wants to be respected by her partner to have him understand why it's necessary to pass on relevant and important information to her promptly."
"And understand why it's hurtful when he doesn't."
"That is the real issue." ~ Professional_Ruin953
"Obviously, they would only have to include her in conversations that concerned her."
"OP and her partner have been together for four years."
"There is no reason why she can't be included in conversations about events to which she was invited." ~ Juanitaplatano
"By no means should OP become responsible for his family obligations."
"Her S[ignificant] O[ther] should simply continue to deal with the natural consequences of his lack of preparation and communication."
"Advice like yours is how women end up in keeping with no appreciation or acknowledgment for their labor for yet another generation." ~ poopja
"I had to do this."
"My S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] called me on 2 different occasions because we either missed a get-together or did not RSVP in time and couldn't go."
"She was pretty upset both times."
"That's when I finally told her 'You tell your brother who forgets things and they never make it to me.'"
"'Either you put me on these text threads or I won't get any invites and you get to be upset at us missing your kids' events.'"
"It has not been a problem since as I get either added to threads or individual texts to make sure I got the information."
"Saved a lot of heartache." ~ Bethdoeslife
"That's not always possible."
"My husband's family has a big group chat that I'm in for plans for holidays and the like."
"However, after the initial announcement, almost all the other details only end up in the sibling group chat which I'm not a part of and my husband often forgets to relay that information."
"Since his siblings are always chatting in the group text anyway, it's just what happens."
"I wouldn't want to be in that text group anyway since it's just the siblings."
"So even though I'm in the big text group, not all info ends up in it."
"OP's boyfriend needs to take responsibility for not relaying pertinent information to OP."
"I hope he learns to communicate better in the future, but in my experience, I find asking for pertinent info repeatedly helps (even if I'm busy & stressed out)." ~ Capable_Push4119
"He's mad at you for reacting to the situation he caused."
"4 years in, he has experienced you getting ready for different events."
"Attentive partners would know what you'd wear for photos and how you'd pack for going to the lake."
"A good partner would pass along info regardless, but he had to be particularly inconsiderate and thoughtless to not think of reminding you, especially with all the hectic work stuff."
"Did he pick nicer clothes for the photos?"
"When doing that why wouldn't he have reminded you to do so?" ~ notthedefaultname
"Right? It sounds like he never apologized, never offered to go into town to get something, didn't show care about her insanely busy week and having to do a long drive tired."
"It sounds like she should have skipped the lake house altogether and had a quiet weekend alone."
"OP is NTA but needs to set some boundaries for her own well-being." ~ invisiblizm
"Honestly, OP, he sounds like a tool."
"Maybe it's a rare thing."
"I hope for your sake it is, but I have a spouse who can sometimes forget to communicate pertinent details and he's been on the spot for having to go and buy me a whole new outfit, makeup, hair stuff."
"My stuff is pricy."
"He honestly didn't do THAT particular 'forgot to communicate' dance again."
"I'm sorry this happened. NTA." ~ ConditionNo7451
"NTA. His lack of communication is the issue here."
"You responded in the best way you could to his mistakes."
"If you'd made yourself even more uncomfortable and gotten photographed in a swimsuit coverup while the rest of the family was dressed up, you'd have to look at that damn photo for years to come."
"It also doesn't sound like the sister or cousins were offering any help with make-up, hair, or a borrowed dress."
"Let's hope they at least let him know that he blew it because he certainly did." ~ HowlPen
"NTA. Your partner repeatedly failed to communicate crucial details about the reunion, despite previous conversations about this issue."
"When your partner returns, have a calm conversation about the situation."
"Explain how his lack of communication made you feel and why you decided to leave." ~ luminous_jette
"NTA, I hope his family doesn't blame you for any of this, he dropped the ball." ~ WhyCommentQueasy
OP came back with some information...
"ETA: We have been together almost 4 years."
"We are not married but our lives are fully integrated (mortgage, family, friends, investments, etc)."
"He has a lovely family and I have a good relationship with all of them."
"I packed essentials for the trip, like sunscreen/shampoo/soap."
"If dinner and photos were not taking place, no one there would have worn makeup or styled their hair."
"It seems everyone has a different take on what Lake Weekend means, but for us, it means laid back and dressed down."
"Emphasis on casual."
"To everyone who has at least acknowledged my frustration, thank you."
"For the rest, there is no winning with a lot of the feedback."
"My options are either that I am a drama queen for leaving and therefore pretentious, self-absorbed, and overly concerned about my appearance OR that I should have packed make-up, hair tools, and a photoshoot-worthy outfit without knowing any of the plans to SWIM AT THE LAKE."
"You can see how this is impossible right?"
"I didn't leave because I was worried about looking perfect in the pictures, I left because I did not feel respected by my partner."
"Expecting someone to take formal family photos in a swimsuit cover-up while everyone else is in their Sunday best is unrealistic."
Well, OP, it seems like Reddit is with you.
All you're asking for is all the information.
Nobody likes to be blindsided and left unprepared.
The basic communication skills between you both may need some work.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp