Our families are capable of anything from giving us every reason in the world to be happy or every other reason to need therapy.
One woman explained specifically how on the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor annetul1001 shared how she was volunteered to help out with her cousin’s wedding, but refused.
When she received backlash, the Original Poster (OP) questioned if she was wrong for standing up for herself.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not wanting to do (bake) my cousin’s wedding cake?”
The OP recently had a terrible argument with her mother.
“I ([Female] 32) had a huge fight [with] my mom about not wanting to do my cousin’s (38) wedding cake.”
“I am a baker, and I bake for a living so, it may sound odd I refuse to do such a normal task.”
“First of all (it’s not THAT important) my mother [offered] the cake at no cost (she was willing to provide me with the ingredients and such). In a normal situation this kind of thing makes me angry, but this one, in particular, felt like she is crossing a line.”
The OP refused because of a complicated history with her mother’s family.
“But I refused mainly because I don’t have a good relationship with my mom’s side of the family.”
“She only has one sister so she [is] VERY VERY close to her and her sons and daughter.”
“When I was young (about 5), my aunt and uncle were getting a divorce, so my aunt and her kids came to live in my house. Long story short my cousin abused me for the 3-4 years they lived in my house.”
“My grandma (who also lived in my house) must have seen something [and] said it to my mother, who had a long talk with me, telling me I needed to take care of myself and such (I live in a very sexist country).”
“She never kicked them out of the house, or anything. The abuse only stopped when they moved out of the house (aunt getting back with my uncle), and he even tried to abuse me when I was a teen, but luckily enough I kicked his a**.”
The OP has done what she can to create distance.
“Through all of [these] years, I had made every excuse possible for my mom’s behavior and my cousin’s; went to therapy a couple of years ago and ‘got over it’.”
“I never had a conversation with my mom [because] my relationship with her is bad, since my young years (I learned pretty fast that I couldn’t count on her, and I was by myself).”
“I also had to see my mom’s family for every birthday, Christmas, etc… (she never cut them out of [our] life, since she never acknowledged the situation) until I was old enough to just not go (which always caused huge trouble).”
“But now trying to force me to make a cake to a wedding I don’t even want to attend, seems pretty out of line for me.”
“She thinks I should do it [because] ‘he is family,’ so am I the a** here?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were quick to shut down the “because he’s family” argument.
“He’s not family to OP, that’s the thing. Idk (I don’t know) if I grew up wrong but the whole ‘Do it because they’re family!!! They’d do anything for you!!!’ p**ses me off to no end.”
“At best he’s your mother’s, sister’s son. Great thing about being an adult is you get to choose who your family is, and he’s not family.” – kingselenus
“And any future children. So many complicit AHs, OP should cut them all out of her life.”
“‘He’s family’… ‘No, he’s just the pervert who abused me while you did nothing, he’s [dead] to me, and you should be ashamed you even asked this of me.'” – Permit-Extreme-117
“NTA Even without the abuse, your mother has no right to offer up your professional services for free. If she wants to make a wedding cake for free, that’s her choice, but she doesn’t get to volunteer someone else to do it.”
“And, you certainly can’t possibly be reasonably expected to do anything helpful for someone who abused you for years.”
“You have absolutely every right to refuse to make the cake, refuse to attend the wedding and to refuse to maintain contact with any and all of your relatives you choose to cut out of your life. It sounds like every adult in your family failed to protect you as a child. You owe them nothing.” – 7thatsanope
Others had serious issues with the OP’s mother.
“First the mother volunteers OP’s professional skills for free, and then, oh, by the way, it’s for a sexual predator that abused OP!”
“It’s time for OP to go very low contact with her mother and no contact with the rest of her mother’s extended family. No further explanations or apologies needed from OP – she was the victim!” – MidwestNormal
“NTA. Tell your mother that not only are you not baking the cake, but if she mentions it one more time, you will attend the wedding and tell the bride in extraordinary detail what a disgusting pervert your cousin is.”
“I know that sometimes one’s culture makes it harder to get away, but you need to get away from anyone who was complicit in your abuse, including your mother.” – seeyaintherapy
“NTA. Cut contact with your toxic mother. She’ll just keep doing this. She’s going to repeat this crap with your kids.” – ElaraMalfoy99
A few suggested making the cousin’s future wife aware of his past.
“I would be telling the bride before the wedding and then dropping off the face of the Earth. If he hasn’t done it to her yet, he will as soon as she’s not in the mood, and he might do it to his own children too, so better make sure she doesn’t have any with him.”
“She may already be in a dangerous position, if she knows he’s done it before she might go to her family for help before the wedding. I hope you’re safe and karma gets your cousin, OP.” – dangeroussequence
“Bake him a big wedding cake with the words, ‘Congratulations to the rapist and his bride’ written on it in icing and see how he likes it.” – TZH85
“I’m so sorry you went through the abuse and your mom not taking care of you physically and emotionally.”
“Personally, I would tell the fiancé. I would not want to have kids with a predator as they might do it to their own kids. He tried to do it to you again, I bet he hasn’t stopped.”
“NTA and don’t bake the cake.” – Mysterious-Winter616
Though some people can argue all day long that “family is family,” there are infractions that deem this a moot point.
Abuse is definitely one of them.
The subReddit was in agreement on this one, the cousin’s behavior was inexcusable, and the mother’s brushing the experience under the rug was the work of an enabler.
Should this earn a top-notch wedding cake? Again, the Reddit agreed, definitely not.