Planning a big family trip includes a lot of logistics.
There's travel, food, a place to sleep. And everyone might not agree with the plans. When it's a multifamily event, sometimes it's best to let each family make their own arrangements.
A father who thought he had the perfect solution for his family and his in-laws found out not everyone agreed. But after his in-laws made their own arrangements, they made it clear they planned to take advantage of some of the benefits of his plan.
After turning them down, he turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Akchahal asked:
"AITA for telling my wife's family they can't cook in our Airbnb?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My wife and I have 2 kids (6 and 3) and my wife has 2 siblings. One brother (living in Cali and soon to be married later this summer), one sister (married with 3 kids all under 10) and both her parents (still married)."
"We are pretty close with my wife's family, spend a lot of time with them and all the kid cousins get along super well. I have a very good relationship with everyone."
"The brother is getting married later this summer in Southern California. The rest of the family, including us, live in the Midwest. We've planned a big 7-night family vacation down to SoCal for the wedding."
"I proposed that our family (4 of us) + my sister-in-laws family (2 adults, 3 kids) and my wife's parents (2 adults) rent a house for the 7 nights we will be in SoCal."
"My reasons were:"
"-More space for everybody instead of living out of a suitcase in a hotel for 7 nights"
"-Have a kitchen available to cook and eat together instead of eating out for every single meal"
"-My son has a severe anaphylactic allergy to nuts so eating out can often be stressful for us as a family"
"Initially everyone was on board. I estimated that renting a large enough house (via Airbnb) would be approx $300/night per family unit (So $900/night split 3 ways). There are cheaper ones, but they would be too far from the wedding venue."
"My sister-in-law and my parent-in-law learned that hotel rooms are available for approx $150/night. They've now bailed on the house idea and have reserved hotel rooms."
"It's their money and I understand renting a house is a lot of money to pay above the hotel rates. I have no issue with them changing their mind."
"My wife and I still want to stay in a house, mainly for access to a full kitchen, so we booked an Airbnb. The smaller house will cost us about $350/night."
"So we'll be spending about $350 more than planned ($50 x 7 nights)."
"We've booked the Airbnb and the free cancellation period has now expired. We can't cancel without losing money."
"When my wife's family learned that we booked an Airbnb they said, 'Oh great! We can come to your house to cook food'."
"I said , 'No. If you wanted to cook then you should have reserved a house with us, not make us pay the extra for accommodations with a kitchen and then take advantage of that. If you want to use the kitchen cover the extra $50/night we have to pay and then you can use it'."
"They say I'm being unreasonable and greedy."
"AITA?"
"The dollar figures are not the exact numbers, but are simplified to get the story across."
The OP summed up their situation.
"The action I took was telling my wife's family that they cannot come to the Airbnb that my wife and I booked to cook food unless they cover some of the costs of renting the Airbnb."
"That action might make me an a**hole because I'm preventing them from cooking and spending time with us in the rental and saying they can only do so if they cover some of the extra costs."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA—so they get to save half of their daily costs, get their room cleaned daily and use your Airbnb kitchen to save on eating costs? Hell no!!" ~ SadFlatworm1436
"NTA. It's not even about the cooking, it's about privacy and personal space. You can't just invite yourself to someone's house/hotel room."
"It's one thing to share a big space with your extended family, it's a completely different thing to cram 10 people into a small place just because grandpa wants to cook himself some eggs."
"If anything, I wouldn't have put a price tag on it. I'd just say the place was too small to have people over." ~ RelevantSchool1586
"NTA. Read the rules on the Airbnb. There is a good chance that them even coming over will give you a nice fine/fee."
"We always have issues finding rentals that allow neice/nephew/mother-in-law to come over for a game night/pizza night when visiting family."
"It would fall under rules about 'parties' or extra guests." ~ maybeRaeMaybeNot
"NTA—This is quite entitled of them."
"You're correct; if they wanted a kitchen, they should have gone in on this with you." ~ jrm1102
"If they thought it was convenient to have a kitchen, they should have paid for it as you initially proposed. They went with the hotel option with no kitchen thinking it would save them money and now they want to save it at your expense?"
"There are a**holes in this story, but it's not you. NTA." ~ DangleenChordOfLife
"NTA. Most Airbnb actually have rules that you can't have more people over. So if you book for 4 guests, you can't magically have seven extras show up for dinner. So I would just tell them that!" ~ Trick_Delivery4609
"NTA. I know Airbnbs have rules about extra guests. But it also seems like they waited for you to rent a house and then tried to take advantage of you." ~ Romance-BookWorm-55
"NTA. First off, it's not your decision to make whether or not people come over. We just stayed at a place for a week, and the rules were quite clear on extra 'guests', and must be approved ahead of time by the owners."
"Of course the obvious reason is they are cheap, and apparently want to come over and make a big mess for you to be responsible to clean prior to leaving. Absolutely not." ~ olerndurt
"NTA, please also keep in mind most hosts in SoCal limit the number of guests that can be in the unit and often they have a device that measures how many cell phones are present in the unit. If an extra five or six cell phones show up, the host gets an alert, and you get kicked out without a refund." ~ Significant_Yak_5371
"I wouldn't be able to relax or chill with guests every night cooking in a small rental space. Meet them at a park for pizza one night. The Airbnb has limits on guests probably, as well. NTA." ~ Ipso-Pacto-Facto
"So they do understand the value of having kitchen access. They just don't want to pay for it. NTA." ~ crone_2000
"NTA. The need for cooking facilities is precisely why you suggested the bigger house. They will discover the error of their ways when they add up the cost of restaurant bills." ~ Time-Tie-231
"NTA. AirBnB charges aren't just about how many people sleep there."
"Visitors mean::
"- more cars, more comings and goings, and more noise in general, which can all annoy neighbours. Plus extra children are extra noisy."
"- more electricity & water being used at host's expense."
"- more people using the living areas and bathroom / toilet, not just the kitchen = more general wear & tear on flooring, surfaces etc..."
"- more use of consumables like toilet paper, soap, etc..."
"It's just not fair to the host to have extra people there." ~ CantCme2020
"NTA for a few reasons…"
"- a kitchen and the access to a full kitchen and not eating out for a week is a perk to a rental, they chose a hotel."
"- your rental is not a shared common area, they should think of it as if you are staying in a hotel. Would they expect to come to your hotel room for any period of time had you gone that route."
"- your sons allergy. I'm sure they are conscious of it, but are they as diligent as you and your wife? Could they bring something in that they thought was safe?" ~ capernaper
"NTA and make your wife be the one to deliver the news to them. I would be annoyed AF if my family tried to pull a stunt like this on me."
"You were better off anyways with a house for your own immediate family."
"Perhaps plan for a set amount of meals that they came come over for in advance. And set boundaries." ~ LuckySection446
"Why isn't your wife dealing with her family's behavior? Why are you the one setting expectations?"
"What may be more effective is if you and your wife together decide how to deal with the situation, and then she communicates how you both have decided is best." ~ leeneyboss
While the use of a kitchen would bet hetlpful on a long trip, the OP's in-laws made their choice.
The OP's Airbnb isn't an option for them, no matter what the OP decides.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp