As much as we want to keep a positive mindset about it, not all dating experiences are good or meant to last.
And there are definitely some red flags out there, signaling it's time to let the potential relationship go, agreed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit.
Redditor Nearby_Resort_4457 had been talking to a guy briefly on a dating app, when he opened up to her and told her that he had already been banned permanently on two dating apps.
When he didn't offer a good explanation for why he was banned from not one, but two, dating apps, the Original Poster (OP) couldn't help but feel weird about continuing to date him.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for being weirded out after my date admitted he had been banned from multiple dating apps?"
The OP was off to a good start dating a new guy.
"I (30 Female) recently went on a date with a guy (33 Male) after matching with him on a dating app."
"We had talked for a few days on the app before deciding to meet up in person."
"We got along well, so when he offered to meet up again, I agreed."
"On our second date, we went out for casual drinks and spent some time talking and people-watching."
But then the OP's date revealed something that worried her.
"Partway through, the conversation shifted to previous dating experiences."
"He brought up that he had heard stories of how terrible guys can be on dating apps and asked about my experiences."
"I admitted things can get weird, where some guys will message something out of left field, but I had never experienced anything truly heinous."
"He then said he hadn't had a ton of luck so far on this app (seems to be the norm for a lot of men getting fewer matches than women do), to which he then admitted he had actually been reported and banned from two other dating apps."
"I wasn't able to hide the look of confusion and concern on my face, and with an actual raised eyebrow, I bluntly asked if I had something I needed to be worried about."
"He laughed it off and said he wasn't sure 100% what he did, and proceeded to explain what he thought had happened."
"First case, he said that he went on a date and there was just nothing there, and when she went to hug him at the end of the night, he had refused. Second case, he said the date just wasn't good and that she seemed like just a terrible person, and there was no love lost there."
The OP couldn't stop thinking about what could have been.
"I've been weirded out a few times talking to people on dating apps, and have had a couple dates where it just didn't go anywhere. If I needed to, I just unmatched the person or would let the old chat collect dust."
"He didn't need to offer up this piece of information, and when I asked for more details, he didn't try to hide and change the subject."
"But the idea that he has been banned from two other apps is still living rent-free in my head. Are people actually reporting accounts if a date doesn't go well? How bad would it have to be to actually click report? Is he trying to downplay what happened to make it seem like he did nothing wrong?"
"The twice is what's sticking with me, too. Once, sure, it's possible that someone felt rejected, got mad, and clicked report, and there's a zero-tolerance policy... but twice?"
"I had literally never met anyone, or at the very least had someone admit to me, to being banned from an app before this. That's why my immediate reaction was to show concern and question it. My assumption was that to be banned you had to have very clearly done something wrong."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some understood why the OP was concerned and encouraged her to be cautious.
"NOR. Listen to your gut. I was on dating apps for years, and it's hard to get banned. I was even rude to a lot of men because they said sexual things right away."
"The only app I got banned on was Plenty of Fish because of how it's moderated by bots. I once got banned after not even talking to anyone yet. A lot of people have complained about that. Otherwise, you need to be pretty nasty to get banned from these sites." - GollumTrees
"NOR. I would be very, very cautious about this one. Personally, I wouldn’t proceed, but if you do, keep your guard up. This is unnecessary and unflattering information to share with you, which makes it strange."
"I really doubt he was banned from two apps for the reasons he’s told you. It’s more likely that he’s potentially trying to get ahead of the story in case you somehow found out."
"Something to note is that in the early stages of dating, abusers often test their potential victims with red flag-style stories/behaviours to see if they will ignore it or not. Ignoring red flags makes someone a better target." - peachsandwich
"Getting banned from two dating apps is a pretty big red flag, and his explanation doesn’t really make sense, so I’d be keeping my guard up, too." - Fast-Gap-136
"NOR. I’ve never heard of anyone being banned without good reason. Most people just unmatch or block and move on. If he’s given you any other reason to be wary or give you a bad gut feeling, trust that." - SaltEntertainer8198
"I mean, banning from the app would require some amount of evidence, you would think. They're not just going to ban someone because another user reported them. Most likely, whatever he did will have been something on the app that breached their terms of service." - twilighttwister
"Yes, he could be giving you a half truth to see how you react, testing your boundaries to see how far he can push THIS time because it gets a tiny bit easier for him each time." - Typical_XJW
"NOR. He's lying; he knows it sounds like a lie, and he volunteered this information early on to see if you're the type of person to ignore red flags. Listen to your gut." - maddallena
"NOR, I would also be eeked out. You don't get banned for dates not going well, so those women reported him for something that was bad enough for him to be banned. Or, it was something else entirely, like he was sending harassing messages or something."
"So, I don't know, trust your gut, in my opinion. Pay attention to how he speaks about women he isn't attracted to. Is he respectful? Does he objectify women? Is there an entitlement embedded in the way he speaks about things?"
"Ask him directly about his politics. Don't pull punches with this topic. Too many women realize they're with a monster once they're in a marriage or have kids to consider." - Intelligent_Fly6075
Others agreed and urged the OP to do her research before continuing to date the guy.
"I get what you're saying. Just be careful. I am in a state where court case searches are free, and I looked up men before dating them. I found 2 domestic abusers and a guy convicted of multiple counts of illegal porn." - SusieQ4848
"You only get banned for harassing people, I think (or being a fake account). He must have been doing something along those lines. NOR, because he’s most likely lying about why he was banned." - CrummyTum
"Search for him online. But honestly, if you’re uncomfortable, just tell him you don’t want a third date and wish him the best of luck."
"My guess (and just a guess here) is that after he was rejected, he did not let go." - WhatTheActualFck1
"NOR. It might be worth checking out those 'Are We Dating the Same Guy (insert city name)' Facebook groups. They’re for more than just cheaters, but also for warning other women about creeps and abusers. They have personally helped me a ton in both directions." - CrustyLettuceLeaf
"I would definitely recommend checking groups to see if this is a repeat offender, OP. You might have to sift through hundreds of posts, so search his initials, or 'John Smith' or 'John S' (for example)."
"I’ve dated A LOT in my past. I went on many dates when I was single, and this date feels like a red flag to me. As someone else mentioned, abusers might try to see what they can get away with when dealing with potential marks."
"There was a version of me that would’ve likely been like, 'That’s weird… those girls overreacted,' in which that version of me got burned. Nothing too awful but mostly “oh wow, this person is a pathological liar and manipulative.”
"Be safe." - Ultragrrrl
"NOR. He’s lying. Why would he be banned from a dating app for not hugging his date? How would the app know? And why would he be banned for not having chemistry with a person?"
"He’s hiding why he was banned, and I guarantee he knows exactly why he was." - George_Is_Upset
"If you keep dating them, you'll find out the real reason soon enough."
"I really hope you listen to your gut. I don't think this is going anywhere good." - knight1714
The subreddit understood why the OP was concerned, especially since the guy was being sort of elusive about a possible explanation. While he may have had bad luck with a few bitterly rejected dates, it seemed more likely that something was going on that the OP needed to be aware of.
