Labor is a grueling, chaotic, sometimes dangerous situation.
Mothers need as much peace as possible.
A lot of family members don't always seem to make the situation smooth sailing.
And that can cause so much unnecessary stress.
A young woman found herself in a personal dilemma regarding her husband's parent's behavior after the birth of their children, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Redditor Peace-Maker-315 asked:
"AITA because I refuse to have my in-laws at the hospital when we have our child?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"For background, I'm 29, and my husband is 34."
"We have one child, and we're about to have another within the next month."
"I have been VERY adamant that I don't want >ANYONE< in the hospital to visit until the day after we have our second child."
"The backstory: ✨Despite my wishes✨, while having our first child, his parents were in our hospital room the ENTIRE TIME."
"We went in at midnight, and they were there before I was even fully checked in and hooked up to machines."
"They spent the entire time I was in labor sitting in our hospital room, 'catching up' with my husband (because they were completely estranged for 10 years until they found out I was pregnant) and gossiping about people from their hometown."
"I was in labor for 20 hours."
"Brutal for listening to stories about your husband's ex-G[irl]f[riend]'s parent's real estate company tanking."
"30 minutes after the super chill and beautiful experience of an emergency C-section, where we both almost died, his parents were back in our hospital room, making me take pictures of them with our daughter."
"I could have easily stopped it, but they just seemed so excited. I was SO tired, I was still vomiting, and I didn't want to start a problem at that moment."
"I truly didn't want to ruin the entire experience for myself and everyone else, by being like, 'Lol, why the F are you here???'"
"In hindsight, it was already ruined, but ya know, 'Hindsight is 20/20.'"
"The next day rolls around, and they literally RACE my family to get to the room before they did."
"Like they came to the room OUT OF BREATH, telling me they ran because they saw my parents in the parking lot."
"Once my family got there, his mom was really reluctant to leave or let anyone else hold her."
"They only left because my nurse (an actual saint in scrubs) came in and told them to leave because there were too many people in the room."
"10 points to COVID for that."
"When it came time to leave, my sister came to help us with discharge."
"His parents, of course, show up as we're exiting (not invited, just waiting in the parking lot because they knew we were leaving like weirdos)."
"My sister works closely with new mothers/families and helps them to their cars ALL OF THE TIME as part of her job."
"We had installed one of the straps incorrectly, and she was helping us fix it."
"His dad had a different idea on how to install the seat."
"Which… come on, bro, you haven't installed a car seat in 34 years, please be seated."
"He proceeds to get in an argument with my sister, SCREAMING over our car because she's not installing it the way he's telling her."
"My sister simply tells him that she sees this seat a lot, and she has it under control."
"To which he turns around to innocent bystanders and goes, 'OH LOOK AT THAT, SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT CAR SEATS!'"
"And then calls my sister a 'dumb b*t
"So fast forward 4 years, and a lot of animosity toward my family from his parents, my husband has told them that >>>NO ONE<<< is coming to the hospital until the day after our second child is born, and everyone will get a time, and we'll let them know when to come."
"To which his mom just responded, 'Oh,' in a really weird tone, and then his Dad said, 'We'll discuss it when it gets closer.'"
"Like, there was any room for discussion???"
"It made me super mad, and then I talked to my husband about it, and now we're arguing about it because he told me that 'I'm kind of overreacting' and they're 'just excited.'"
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA because I'm keeping my in-laws from meeting their grandchild fresh out of my body?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"NTA and tell the hospital and your obgyn practice that they are not allowed in the delivery or recovery room, full stop."
"When your husband gives birth, he's free to invite anyone he pleases as soon as they please." ~ Sparklingwine23
"Why even tell his parents that she's in labor?"
"If she's having a C-section, then lie about the date."
"NTA. OP, you have a bit of a husband problem." ~ mca2021
"This is your medical procedure."
"No one decides for you, including your husband."
"The medical team will support you, they don't want anyone there who will stress the birth or recovery."
"Make sure your husband understands this."
"There is plenty of time when you get home to schedule visitors when you want them." ~ Regular_Giraffe_1879
"OP... you definitely have a husband problem."
"He is allowing his family to blast through your boundaries like they're made of feathers."
"He needs to come correct, or HE'S disinvited from the hospital too."
"The nurses will make sure of whatever decision you make."
"They are Valkyries." ~ Sufficient-Lie1406
"No! NTA!"
"What the absolute f**k?"
"These narcissistic behaviors are performative to make up for the time they were estranged and try to demonstrate they are grandparents of the year."
"If they can't handle keeping their kabuki theater home for 24-48 hours to honor their daughter-in-law's completely reasonable request -especially after the hell you endured last time - forget them."
"They will run over you the rest of your life, by the way, if they get away with this."
"And if your husband can't deal with it - forget him too."
"I have two dear friends whose spouses sided with parents on similar events like this -- and it was the beginning of the end for both." ~ DaveonReddit76
"NTA: Tell your husband to grow a spine."
"You are having a baby."
"Only you get to say who is in the room."
"His parents sound like a nightmare."
"I'd never want these people around my kids. Ever." ~ Vast-Fortune-1583
"That made my blood pressure spike just reading the recap."
"Tell your husband he'd better make sure they get the message and follow it, or they will feel the full wrath and fury of his hormonally turbocharged wife with 4+ years of built-up resentment. NTA." ~ PerspectiveKookie16
"NTA. I wouldn't tell them you are going to have the baby until WAAAAay after the baby has arrived, so you guys can have time together."
"I would also make sure your other child is with your family and make it clear not tell anyone, and when you have your baby, make it a mission to make sure your child meets the baby first."
"Then call your in-laws."
"Make this plain and clear to your husband and to the nurses that your in-laws are not to come in should they magically find out and arrive." ~ IntroductionNo1556
"NTA. After how they behaved the first time around, I wouldn't want them there at all."
"All they did was cause discomfort for you and problems for everyone else."
"Put your foot down on this, or they'll just be even worse this time."
"If your husband can't find his spine long enough to tell them no, do it for him."
"If they show up anyway, ask medical staff to remove them."
"'We'll discuss it when the time is closer.'"
"Discuss what?!"
"There's nothing to discuss."
"They don't get input, and it's not a democracy."
"You and baby need calm—not their nonsense." ~ HarharROFLcopters
"Absolutely 100% NTA."
"It's absolutely infuriating."
"Tell your husband not to even contact them until after you have delivered."
"Make sure they understand you will have them barred from the room if they show up before their allotted time."
"It would also be ok not to tell them until you're home."
"Or not at all." ~ Anonymoosehead123
"I can't believe you're having a 2nd kid with this guy after he allowed his parents to act this way the first time."
"Were they estranged for 10 years?"
'He should have told him they were estranged again after your dad called your sister and dumb..."
"I'm serious, your ILs are horrendous, but you have a much bigger husband problem."
"Why is he even in contact with people who treat his wife this way? NTA." ~ vrcraftauthor
"Your husband is an exceptional AH for letting his parents behave the way they did the first time."
"The fact they weren't escorted off the premises is unforgivable."
''I wouldn't have your husband in attendance either."
'Tell the nurses that visitors are not allowed, and let them do what your husband will not."
"NTA by any means." ~ Maximum-Ear1745
"NTA. Remind your husband that while delivering a baby, YOU are the patient and you can/will have hospital staff remove/ban anyone who shows up before you are comfortable with them being there."
I've given birth four times, and my husband has been by my side for every single delivery, but I wouldn't hesitate to have him removed as well if he were unwilling to advocate for me."
"I give zero f**ks what anyone else thinks, wants, or believes they're entitled to while I'm battling life and death to bring a child into this world." ~ Darkalleyandabadidea
Reddit is here for you, OP.
Your husband needs to stand up to his parents.
You need all the peace and help you can get.
And they've proven that isn't their priority.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp