Parenting is not an easy task.
There are many MANY ups and downs.
Yes, for many, it’s one of life’s greatest gifts.
But that doesn’t mean that there won’t be issues.
And parents with different types of parenting styles about said issues can clash now and again.
Redditor Bb89101 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not letting my niece near my daughter’s cake?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Okay, so my (26 F[emale]) husband’s (30 M[ale]) family is really the only family we have.”
“We celebrate holidays and birthdays with only them.”
“My niece (almost 3) is daughter to his sister.”
“She was the first grandchild until my daughter came along (1).”
“Last week was my daughter’s birthday, and I refused to let my niece near her cake.”
“Background: my niece is the center of attention for every event.”
“Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, Easter, she makes everyone sing Happy Birthday to her whenever it’s time for dessert.”
“Even for other people’s birthdays, she has to sit in their lap and have ‘Happy Birthday’ sung to her with their name in place of whoever’s birthday it is, and she needs to blow out the candle on their cake.”
“I just don’t want to teach my daughter to do that to others, so I don’t want others doing it to her.”
“Mind you, yes, I judge silently in my head, but I’ve NEVER said anything to her or her mom.”
“Last week was my daughter’s first birthday, and it was time for the cake.”
“I was sitting with my daughter in my la,p and my niece confidently came over to take her place in front of the cake.”
“I had previously told my husband not to let her do this as I wanted my daughter to have her moment and also for photos and videos, etc.”
“So my husband picked her up and moved her away to her mom and said she’s not going near the cake.”
“My niece started screaming and wouldn’t let anyone sing Happy Birthday as she was wailing and crying.”
“EVERYONE was telling me and my husband to just let her stand in front of the cake, what’s the big deal, or to let her blow out the candle, but we refused.”
“My M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] ended up taking my niece outside so we could sing happy birthday and get it all over with.”
“Everyone in the family said we were being ridiculous for that, and it’s not that serious.”
“I agree it’s not that serious.”
“I don’t care what my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] does with her kids and how she parents, but I do feel in this situation it was also my parenting style that would be compromised.”
“I grew up with others blowing out my candles, and honestly, it felt like it took away from my special day.”
“It might be stupid, but I want to make sure my daughter knows her day is for her and her moments are special for her.”
“I know she’s 1 but still I think better to start from the beginning to set up for future birthdays.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Anyway I don’t regret my decision but am I the a**hole?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA, what is ridiculous is how an entire extended family is terrified of a three-year-old girl!”
“She won’t ‘let’ you sing Happy Birthday?”
“She ‘needs’ to blow out the candle?”
“What the heck is wrong with her parents, and the rest of the family, that this child, alone in all the world, is never told NO?”
“Jesus. What is going to happen when she’s six? Sixteen?”
“Your SIL is raising a monster, and the rest of your family is complicit in it.” ~ MarionberryPlus8474
“I feel so bad for the nice,e too.”
“She’s only 3 and surely has no idea that what she’s done is wrong since her whole life the cake comes out and people sing to her and that’s just the way it is.”
“Three-year-olds are super rigid, they know a script and they’ll want everyone to follow it and will throw a fit if something happens that doesn’t match their expectations.”
“That’s normal.”
“But the script your family has handed her isn’t.” ~ hahasadface
“Exactly. And what happens when she starts getting invited to her friend’s birthdays?”
“When there is a celebration in kindergarten, school?”
“That family is doing her no favors socially; they are spoiling her and creating entitlement.” ~ MarieQ234
“NTA. Niece is spoiled and entitled.”
“She’s being set up for some serious difficulties in life by her enabling parents.” ~ FoxxFluxx
“NTA. My sister always got to blow out my candles.”
“I cut my whole family off when they all pitched in and bought her a brand new car on my birthday.”
“Nobody had wished me a happy birthday yet and they had been weirdly silent on me for a couple of weeks so I was low-key expecting some sort of birthday surprise when my sister posted on social media photos with her new car and how grateful she was to her family members for buying her first ever new car (she’s been through dozens of used cars).”
“I know it’s not about material things but I’m trying not to cry typing this out now and that happened years ago.”
“Anyway, my point is you are NTA, and thank you for standing your ground.” ~ SuperiorityComplex87
“Your niece is a young kid, but she is definitely old enough to be taught that the world doesn’t revolve around her, and this occasion was a perfect start. “
“You are absolutely NTA.” ~ Spiritual-Bridge3027
“Jumping on this to add – in the future, it might be worth giving SIL a heads up when you know you are deviating from what their normal is.”
“It’s not your job to parent your niece, and it is 100% your right to protect your and your child’s experiences.”
“But to your niece (and SIL, although I have less empathy there), the rules changed out of the blue.”
“Of course, she will throw a tantrum.”
“Setting expectations ahead of time gives your SIL time to prep your niece, and you time to get SIL on your page.”
“Or, if SIL is not willing to respect your rules for your child, you can…”
“(1) hold the line and say if they can’t respect the rules, they can’t come, or…”
“(2) go the petty route, and stop respecting their rules for their child (allowing the child to participate in everything), because that is the bar that has been set.”
“Good Luck!” ~ Background_Lunch5408
“NTA. If you encourage this behavior at a young age, it’s harder to break later.”
“My daughter had a big party last year (she’s in primary school) and just before the cake came out, one of the mums came up and asked if her daughter could sit next to mine during the cake cutting.”
“I said, of course, and was about to think nothing of it till she said that she’d also prefer if we didn’t sing the birthday song and her daughter got to blow out the candles.”
“After that, I straight away said no, that this was my daughter’s birthday, not her daughter’s.”
“She then got angry and started to cause a scene, but I put my foot down and said no.”
“I refused to let her sit next to my daughter (I put her at the other end of the table) and when she threw a tantrum and tried to blow the candles out, I blocked her way.
“This is your niece’s future.” ~ForkliftGirl404
“NTA. Whoever let that child get so spoiled is an a**hole.”
“School will be hell for her, especially if she gets invited to birthday parties.”
‘Someone (the parents) needs to teach that child some manners.” ~ Internal-Unicorn1629
“NTA. I’m honestly shocked that anyone would go along with the idea that a kid should get to be the birthday girl for every birthday party they attend.”
“Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but where I’m from it wouldn’t happen in 100 years.” ~ GitLegit
“NTA… but your husband’s family is for allowing that little girl to behave that way.”
“If they allow that in their home, there’s nothing you can do.”
“But in your house, it’s your rules.”
“If they don’t like it, they don’t have to bring the kid over for special occasions.” ~ ImpossibleIce6811
“The child is going to have trouble making/keeping friends if she is allowed to keep behaving like this.”
“It’s one thing for her to help her Grandma blow out her candles it’s another thing entirely to not let other children blow out their own candles.”
“She has to learn.” ~ zeugma888
“NTA. You are right to stand up for your daughter.”
“Your niece needs to learn it’s not always about her.” ~ iwonderwhatsinsideof
“NTA, your daughter should be able to celebrate her milestones without her cousin being front and center.”
“Three-year-olds are a handful.”
“However parents need to set boundaries and let them know that it’s someone else’s special day.”
“What happens when this little girl goes to school and tries the same thing at one of her classmates’ birthdays?”
“Maybe you and your husband should have a conversation with his sister to smooth things over and set expectations for future events.” ~ PravinI123
“NTA and I’ve never known any family to do this with a kid for everyone’s birthdays etc either.”
“It’s not normal at all… lol.” ~ thebeatsandreptaur
“NTA, poor girl, she will have a difficult time when school starts.” ~ Consistent_Ad_805
“NTA… my daughter knew even at this age to not steal someone’s moment like this.”
“This is 100% the result of bad parenting.”
“She’s going to have a tough time if she keeps this up at birthday parties because other parents won’t allow it.”
“She likely won’t be invited anymore.” ~ CAgirl17
Reddit is with you, OP.
You were standing up for your daughter.
Your SIL and her daughter need a few lessons in this area.
That sort of behavior is uncalled for.