Many people love to be asked to be a part of other people’s weddings.
To be in the immediate circle and share in the behind-the-scenes can be a fantastic experience.
Then, sometimes, that request seems like a burden.
Not everyone in the circle is feeling the love.
Redditor Horror_Library_9244 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA, Am I an idiot for not accepting to be the best man at my niece’s wedding because she wants me to enter with my ex-wife?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Me (36) and my ex-wife (34) were married for ten years and have been separated (Divorced) for 4 years because she cheated on me with one of the interns.”
“This betrayal was a blow to me because we had built a whole future together.”
“Even without children, something that, as I was sterile, I could never provide her, something that had never been a problem for us until she made a point of throwing it in my face when I caught them in the act to justify herself.”
“My whole family knew about it and stood by me in the separation except my niece, who was always very attached to both of us, especially to her, and said that I should forgive her.”
“And although it hurt me to dislike I couldn’t go on with the marriage.”
“After the separation, I was able to gradually rebuild my life and even found a new G[irl]F[riend] who I will call Jane (32) who has two adorable children, John (14) and Anne (6) and I love them as if they were mine.”
“Four months ago, I received the invitation to my niece’s wedding and promptly accepted.”
“Until she told me that she hoped that my ex-wife and I would be her best men at the wedding.”
“I was shocked, and I made a point of firmly saying that I could not accept the invitation and that if she was a bridesmaid, I would not go to the wedding and much less enter together.”
“She got upset and broke down crying, and now my family is telling me that I’m being too hard and that I should do this for the sake of my niece.”
“My girlfriend also feels guilty and said that it would be okay for a day, but I don’t think it’s fair.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Am I an idiot?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“You can’t avoid your ex being at the wedding, but you definitely don’t need to walk in with her.”
“This is some weird action on your niece’s part to have ‘the old family’ back together for a moment but it’s not appropriate.” ~ Less_Watch7655
“If you want to be nasty, ask your niece to invite the man your ex was in bed with if she wants so much to go back in the past and not acknowledge your new life.”
“Hard no for that ‘offer.'”
“This might be your niece’s big day, but it doesn’t mean that she rules your life for that day. NTA.” ~ Renbarre
“Yeah, I have to agree: You shouldn’t enter with your ex-wife if you don’t want to, and asking you to do it isn’t cool (at the very least, you could justify niece asking, but accepting that you’re not willing with grace).”
“But you shouldn’t refuse to go, provided your niece understands that you have no desire to talk to, socialize with, or make eye contact with your ex-wife.”
“It’s not cool for your niece to invite her when it feels like she’s not accepting that it’s over, but she’s allowed to invite whoever she likes within reason, and I think your ex is just on the good side of ‘within reason’ if only barely so.” ~ Khaymann
“This family part is quite disrespectful.”
“To your niece: You don’t need to play family for a grown woman when there is no family… for a reason.”
“Your niece seems to accept your ex’s behavior.”
“You could ask her too, would she do the same with her fiance when he cheats on her?”
“Maybe she would understand then, that you have some trouble fulfilling her wish?”
“She needs to understand you also have boundaries – why was she crying like a baby who couldn’t get her favorite ice cream?”
“Is she 16?”
“So much drama.”
“She can’t have you both at the same time.”
“She has to decide.”
“And the reason is the behavior of her maid of honor 4 years ago.”
“Seems weird to me to have a cheater so close to the bride on the wedding day.”
“I wouldn’t understand this as the groom.”
“Luckily I’m not 🤣.” ~ RabbitridingDumpling
“NTA Is your ex still single?”
“Or has she moved on herself?”
“You’re finding a new role as a stepfather, and a new partner; you’re growing as a person. What has your ex done?”
“Is she remarried?”
“Still with the intern?”
“If you do decide to go to keep the peace, treat your partner to a new dress, treat her to the full works (stepdaughter too) hair, nails, makeup.”
“All arrive together.”
“Spend as much of the day with them let people see how you have grown and moved on and how proud you are of your choices.”
“Tell your niece you will not sit next to your ex (different ends of the top table), and you will not dance with her in fact apart from your basic obligations in the wedding party, as soon as the meal is over, you will be joining your partner and your family.”
“Tell her you expect the niece to acknowledge and respect your new partner.” ~ armoury896
“Tough toenails to them then, unfortunately.”
“Sounds like you’re having perfectly normal feelings and handling them well while being able to put yourself in others’ shoes.”
“Keep looking out for yourself and those you love.” ~ Uncynical_Diogenes
“Oh well, good for f**king them.”
“Their lives weren’t upended by betrayal and lies.”
“Your life was.”
“It’s idiotic to think that you would want to do this, and incredibly selfish on her part for even wanting to invite that trash (knowing what she did).”
“NTA OP, and stand your ground.”
“How dare she and anyone else s**t on what you had to go through, and the happiness that you now have.” ~ TepHoBubba
“Does your niece’s fiance know about this?”
“Perhaps you should speak to him.”
“Frankly, your niece doesn’t sound mature enough to get married.”
“Idealizing your past relationship (which may not have had much basis in reality given your ex’s cheating) and wanting to ‘recreate’ it for a day is childish.”
“Your family’s attachment to your cheating ex is also bizarre.”
“None of these people seem to grasp the irony in you standing next to your cheating ex while the minister intones, ‘Do you take this man/woman, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS…'”
“Sheesh. NTA.” ~ FitOrFat-1999
“It’s one thing if the ex attended the wedding as a guest.”
“Almost anyone can suck it up to please the bride for one day.”
“But having her in the wedding party — let alone both of them in that party — that is a deal-killer.”
“Further, I wouldn’t be surprised, based on what OP tells us, that OP would be the only one not to attend this wedding if the ex is part of the wedding party.”
“Oh, NTA.” ~ FunnyAnchor123
“NTA Regardless of the reason, you two have been broken up for 4 years.”
“Your niece needs to accept that.”
“She can have a close relationship with your ex, but she doesn’t have the right to impose that on you.”
“Asking you both to attend and be civil is one thing, but to ask you to enter together, sit together, or interact in any way is too much.”
“Hasn’t your ex also moved on?”
“Or does she want to get back together?”
“Could it be her manipulating your niece into trying to get you two back together?” ~ SoMuchMoreEagle
“NTA. This is your niece using her wedding as a manipulative tool to attempt to make her delusional, immature fantasy of your reconciliation come true.”
“You don’t have to agree.”
“She gets to invite anyone she wants.”
“You can celebrate her wedding and support her in another way if you don’t want to go.”
“She doesn’t get to control your legitimate feelings.”
“You get to decide whether to go or not.”
“I don’t think you’d be doing her a favor by agreeing to this regardless because the reality is the normal, obvious, and understandable tension if this actually happened would detract from her day.”
“Let’s be real.” ~ Antelope_31
“Hard NTA, that is so disrespectful.”
“I already thought NTA, but this makes it so much worse.”
“You should be able to sit with your family at a wedding, and your girlfriend is clearly your family now.” ~ kiwipixi42
“Your current girlfriend and her children get to stay by themselves with a family friend while you are expected to stay with the family, which apparently still includes your cheating ex???”
“That’s worse than expecting you to walk down the aisle with the ex as part of the wedding party!”
“NTA… if you and your girlfriend decline the invitation, but if you do agree to attend as a guest, book your own accommodations for you and your girlfriend and her children to stay in together.” ~ SavingsRhubarb8746
“NTA!! That would be a HARD NO for me.”
“She needs to respect you and your new relationship.”
“You have a history with your ex; she was the ultimate reason for divorce.”
“It’s okay that your niece still has a good relationship with her, but it doesn’t mean you have to be put into a situation you’re uncomfortable with.”
“And your current gf and kids shouldn’t have to be excluded from the ‘family.'”
“They didn’t do anything to deserve that.”
“You have clearly moved on, and your niece should, too.”
“It’s quite rude to expect you to separate yourself from your current relationship.”
“If she is saying you’re only separated for dinner, maybe you should ask to be seated with her and the kids since they don’t know anyone.”
“I don’t blame you for not wanting to sit next to your ex.” ~ JMK1013
“This is really a stupid demand at this point.”
“Your niece must know that you’ve been divorced for four years.”
“You don’t need to see your ex for even five minutes. NTA.” ~ DrKiddman
“NTA. Ask your family why they don’t care about your feelings.”
“Then reach out to your niece’s fiancé and ask them if it is really the best idea to start their marriage off with the reminder of broken wedding vows and having an adulteress in the wedding party.” ~ LindonLilBlueBalls
“NTA for not wanting to walk with your ex, especially given the context of your breakup.”
“I think you should still go to the wedding, though.”
“Your niece might have been thoughtless about this particular situation, but you should still be there for her on her day.”
“I’m sure you can be an audience member and keep your distance from your ex.”
“I’m sorry you still have to see a person who brought you so much pain, though.”
“Super shi**y.” ~ teatimehaiku
“NTA and you really need to have a serious talk with your niece.”
“You need to make it crystal clear you and your ex will NEVER be getting back together, like ever!”
“She seems to be trying to parent-trap you both in an attempt for you to reconcile.”
“You need to be firm with her.”
“She probably also thinks your current girlfriend is in the way, so you need to make it clear that even if you were single, then it’s still definitely a hard no.”
“It’s never going to happen.”
“She’s going to ruin her relationship with you if she carries on.” ~ Jumpy_Succotash_241
“NTA Your neice is being either naive or just plain selfish and uncaring.”
“She Can want that, she can ask for anything for her wedding.”
“No one has to agree to her demands.”
“Either she has some messed up idea that you and your r ex can get back together.. or she isn’t the brightest, most perceptive person you know, and severely lacks the capacity to understand the pain you went through.”
“She is thinking like a wishful teenager, and maybe getting married when she’s so immature isn’t the best idea.”
“Stay away. Protect your peace.” ~ Rohini_rambles
“NTA. You don’t get to use your wedding to violate people’s boundaries and make them uncomfortable doing your bidding.”
“That’s emotional manipulation.”
“Now depending on how long you’ve been with your current girlfriend, I wouldn’t have invited her either just because I consider those to be events for people that have been in my life for a long time.”
“You can go to the wedding but you don’t have to walk.”
“If she’s still upset about that then she 100% is trying to put you guys back together.”
“It’s also ok to move on and continue to detest the cheating wart of a human being who turned your life inside out.” ~ OliveMammoth6696
“NTA. Fingers crossed your niece’s marriage won’t end in such a way as to make her understand why you won’t be prancing down the aisle with a person who had an affair with their intern.”
“Yuck.” ~ Famous_Specialist_44
“NTA, your niece sounds like a naive little girl trying to get her way, don’t put yourself through that crap.”
“When her new husband cheats on her support her then.” ~ FarrenFlayer89
“NTA at all.”
“Why do people try and force people together who have tried their best to move on with their lives?”
“A total lack of empathy from your niece.”
“Do not go.” ~ Timely-Profile1865
Reddit has your back, OP.
This is an outrageous request.
You could go ahead and do it… IF you feel like you can.
This is entirely up to you.
You are allowed to feel how you feel.
Don’t let anyone guilt you into something you don’t want to do.
Good luck.