So we're all familiar with the bridezilla jokes.
The entitled, easily-angered stereotype of the over-indulged bride is a trope at this point.
So what happens when the trope hits close to home?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Maleficent_Glove_420 when he came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
"AITA for saying no to my wife to be a bridesmaid?"
A wedding.
"I (am or was) going to be the best man at my brother's wedding next year."
"My wife was invited to be a bridesmaid and she Initially said yes."
An odd request.
"It turns out that the bride is now expecting my wife to get a whole new wardrobe for the bridal showers, bachelorette party, rehearsal, and reception dinner on top of her bridesmaid's dress."
"The only color she's allowed to wear to all of these events is the same lavender color as her bridesmaid dress."
"She was even given a few swatches of that material to take shopping with her. The shoes and makeup have to match for photos. Even pajamas have to match."
"The bachelorette party is a week getaway plus all of the other events it's like an additional 10 days of clothes that my wife will never wear again. She normally wears black or dark color clothes."
"I bring this up to my brother after he brings hands me the swatches of fabric."
"I told him this is the dumbest thing I have ever heard."
"He said that's why they giving me almost a year to get all of the items together for the bachelorette and weddings."
"I'm thinking of my wife's reaction because she's already not great friends with the bride."
"I told my brother that my wife can attend the wedding as a guest and not a bridesmaid."
"My bother gets mad saying I'm upsetting his fiancée's aesthetic that she's had planned."
"He's just asking for a few days of accommodation, and I said no. He tells me I'm no longer his best man for this, and I'm selfish for destroying his fiancée's dream wedding over a few dresses."
OP was left to wonder,
"AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
A realistic request?
"NTA - It's so incredibly selfish when brides do sh*t like this. It's unfair to expect everyone to spend what will ultimately be thousands to try and accommodate this type of request."
"Your brother is being delusional." ~ reginafelangi123
"Yeah there are reasonable requests like 'please pack one black dress and have other colorful outfits for photos' and unreasonable requests like this."
"Expecting somebody to purchase an entire new wardrobe for a bachelorette is insane."
"NTA" ~ willfullyspooning
The party is supposed to end.
"And a week-long bachelorette party? I'm using my vacation to go to a week-long event where I have to worship the bride 24/7? Thank God I'm too old for that sh*t." ~ MeganMess
"That part really got me too!!!"
"When my friends and I were getting married, the bachelorette was one night 'out on the town'. How in the world did they morph into week-long events???"
"Someone please explain it to me." ~ justloriinky
"Weekends are fine by me, especially since my friends are spread out all over."
"A weekend gives us a day to travel to get to the same place, a day to party, and a day to chill/recover."
"That's reasonable to me."
"A full week is bonkers though" ~ speakfriend-andenter
A word from our community.
"When I got married my bridesmaids were literally 1 teenager, 1 twenty something year old, 1 mid-thirties, and one almost 40 new mom."
"All with very different styles and body shapes, and budgets."
"I just said 'any color found on a peacock feather, any formal dress you love.'"
"They all looked radically different, but they had matching flowers, and since they were the ladies at the front and center of the ceremony, it was obvious they were bridesmaids even without matching dresses."
"And they all told me they wore their dresses several times after to other events. One bought her dress with another event also in mind." ~ throwaway1975764
"I did something very similar!"
"I said 'any color that could conceivably match a red wine'. I made them matching cloaks to wear, it was totally fine."
"Not sure why people make such a huge deal out of everyone matching perfectly as if a minor deviation would annul the marriage!" ~ CrypticMetaphr
"I did ask my bridesmaids to wear a particular dress."
"However, they were all black, off the rack, evening dresses with a matching short jacket."
"I picked those particular dresses so they could actually be worn again in real life and they all did."
"(Every wedding I was in the bride said I could wear the dress again. Uh no, never did.) And a white wedding dress definitely stands out in a sea of black dresses and black tuxedos." ~ mamabear-50
The Bad guy.
"NTA at all! And props for being 'the bad guy' so your wife's relationship with your brother doesn't become more strained."
"When you're married to someone and know them completely, you know how they'll react in extreme situations like this."
"It also removes the chance the wife will say yes to something she doesn't want to do at all, for her husbands sake. And the bride-to-be is so out of bounds on her demands."
"Who cares what the pjs look like?? Is the bride going to have a professional photographer take pics of them getting ready for bed and sleeping?" ~ Klutzy-Excitement419
"Essentially this."
"What other people are suggesting is passing the ball to her, and she'd be the bad guy for declining."
"I've been commenting on this a lot in this thread because I can relate to the situation."
"There are situations where it's hard to turn down people, especially when they're in-laws, so it's good OP is getting the brunt of the blame here instead of making his wife the person who 'ruined' the bride's ridiculous dream wedding." ~ lemonleaff
"My wife would be livid if I did that because then she would be the bad guy."
"She'd much rather I say no and she can always correct me if she wants and be the good guy who is stopping me from causing trouble."
"OP may have gone far with descriptions, but being the bad guy was the right thing to do."
"There is no way to ask and do that because the implication is that if you say no later the wife was the one who torpedoed it." ~ SubarcticFarmer
Entitled.
"You get a Wedding Day."
"Not a week or a month."
"I would wear whatever the bride wants on the Wedding day and just don't wear white to any of the events."
"The bride is not being a gracious hostess."
"You're already, gladly, putting yourselves out for this wedding."
"The Bride sounds like a childish control freak who should not be indulged. Don't reward bad behavior."
"She should be grateful that you gladly accepted her invite to be in the Wedding." ~ Key-Grade4418
"NTA."
"Having a wedding does not entitle a bride and groom to make unlimited demands."
"While the wedding day and related events should be special, the couple needs to consider whether their desires are reasonable."
"Being in a wedding can be incredibly expensive under ordinary circumstances."
"A considerate couple would be mindful of this and either cover the costs of added demands or modify the demands."
"Here, it's one thing to ask that the party guests being on lavender outfit. A whole lavender wardrobe is just plain ridiculous and very self-centered."
"All that said, I'm not really sure it was your place to withdraw your wife from the wedding party without first talking to her."
"She may have been able to find a compromise if given the chance to talk to the bride directly."
"For example, perhaps she could have remained a bridesmaid but skipped the bachelorette party."
"I've never heard of anyone being kicked out of a wedding because they couldn't attend (or afford to attend) a bachelorette party…" ~ Fit-Ad-7276
"Wow."
"People really do be out here thinking the ENTIRE universe revolves around them huh?"
"I've never ever heard of such a thing."
"You know, years ago, brides paid for all their bridesmaid's dresses?"
"At least that was the etiquette where I'm from back in the day. It shouldn't cost much for the maid of honour much less a bridesmaid."
"Things have become insane!"
"The fact that the Maid of Honour plans and throws the bachelorette party is a huge gift in and of itself."
"Coming to a wedding and getting gifts etc is ENOUGH. Chances are upwards of 50% a divorce is in the cards anyways."
"Lmfao" ~ Vicem1972
OP did return to add some clarity.
"I don't know why Reddit would think I didn't discuss this with my wife."
"I told her afterward and she laughed, saying 'Hard pass' Maybe when you grow up and get into a functional, healthy relationship, you'll understand that you can predict your partner's moods and boundaries."
Does this mean that all brides behave this way?
Of course not.
Sometimes the groom is a...groom...zilla?
Other times the whole party is wonderful.
The important part is to stick to and be clear about your boundaries.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and IÂ got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.'Â And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.