It’s common knowledge that not all marriages last forever.
In many – but certainly not all – cases, partners move on and begin new relationships.
Unfortunately for their partners, though, it’s apparently not common knowledge that when a new relationship starts, the previous one should be over.
A dad on Reddit is devastated that his husband of three years cheated on him with his ex-wife, at their son’s birthday party, no less, so he turned to the “Am I The A**hole Here” (AITAH) subReddit to seek advice from fellow Redditors.
Redditor Majestic_Designer781 asked:
“WIBTA for not forgiving my husband for cheating on me with his ex-wife?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I’m honestly a mess and I don’t know what to do, so any advice would be appreciated.”
“I (27/m[ale]) and my husband (37/m[ale]) have been married for 3 years, dating for six.”
“He has an ex-wife (37/f[emale]) which he divorced a year before we met.”
“We have a son (7/m[ale]) who was adopted after we got married and who I love as my own child, because he is.”
“I know my husband, Peter (fake name) is bisexual, I have no problem with it and I had no problem with his ex-wife, Allison (Also fake name), I did have a problem with his family as they’re a bit homophobic and are always telling Peter he should get back together with Allison.”
“Well, two weeks ago, we were at his family’s town because it was my son, Jack’s (fake name) birthday and we wanted to spend it as family.”
“My mother in law, decided it would be a good a idea to invite Allison so she arrived in the middle of the party, I didn’t want to ruin Jack’s birthday so I stayed quiet.”
“I spent all my time with Jack, playing with him and his cousins at his request.”
“When it was time to cut the cake, I noticed Allison and Peter weren’t there, so I went inside and looked for them around the house.”
“I found them in Peter’s old bedroom taking their clothes off.”
“I stood there in shock for a moment but then I left and went back to celebrating Jack’s birthday.”
“Part of me wanted to scream and cry but I also was in shock and I refused to make Jack’s birthday about me.”
“We cut the cake and opened the presents, people were already leaving when Allison and Peter came back.”
“Peter took me aside and started saying that I shouldn’t have cut the cake without him present and it was disrespectful.”
“I stared at him and just said ‘I’m sorry, I just thought you’d be too busy getting into your ex-wife’s pants.’He got quiet so I took Jack and left the house to go back to the hotel.”
“Once I put Jack in bed and made sure he was asleep, I locked myself in the bathroom and broke down.”
“I called a friend, and he tried his best to console me.”
“I only calmed down in the morning when I took Jack for breakfast because I didn’t want him to see me like that.”
“I’m now watching him play in the park, and I don’t want him to suffer, I don’t want him to have a broken family, I don’t want him to know that relationships aren’t a happy ever after.”
“Peter has been calling and texting, apologizing for everything, and I’m tempted to forgive him.”
“I’m tempted just to have my family back, and all my friends are saying that it was just a mistake, that he was vulnerable, and Allison is his ex-wife.”
“So what am I supposed to do now?”
“I need the advice from people who don’t know my husband or me personally.”
“Please, any advice is helpful.”
Redditors weighed in and decided OP was not the a**hole for feeling devastated and offered their advice.
“NTA but you should leave.”
“I know it won’t be easy, but if you stay, think of it as showing Jack that it’s okay for your husband or wife to treat you badly.”
“If you want him to know about happily ever after, you need to show him that it’s okay to not settle and you work hard for your goals no matter what they are, and work towards them with kindness, honesty, and integrity.”
“Kids are far more impressionable than we give credit for, and as someone who has known so many families where the person being hurt hasn’t walked away, that hurt spreads until it damages everyone.”
“Relating to just yourself here there is a huge safety factor.”
“Regardless of the sex of each individual involved, staying with a cheater also puts you in danger because you don’t know everyone they’re sleeping with and, more importantly, what STIs they can be carrying.”
“So think about your son and your health, and leave.”
“Emotionally, if you’re surrounded by people telling you to forgive and forget, those people are not safe to be around as you have no clue if they’ve been hiding this from you for a while either.” – Redditor
“It would be one thing to forgive him for cheating, but he cheated with his ex-wife, who his homophobic family is going to cram down his throat for the rest of his life, and who he has demonstrated he has absolutely no ability to set a boundary on that and not do it.”
“Your son is going to do best seeing both his parents pursue their own happiness as well as his.”
“Taking people back and staying in sh*tty relationships just because changes are hard on kids is just gonna be kicking the can down the road and if anything teaching him to accept unacceptable treatment imo.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I know separation will be hard on him, but children are resilient.”
“I don’t think you should take him back just for a dream that your SO isn’t participating in correctly.” – Ok_Copy_8869
“Yeah man, your family is already broken.”
“His family disrespects you with inviting the wife….who has nothing to do with your son.”
“Your husband doesn’t stand up for you coz he’s going to bang her….with everyone there knowing what’s going on.”
“Then he has the audacity to tell you you should have put the birthday cake on hold while he was having sex with his ex??”
“Show your son what self-respect looks like and leave this Ahole.”
“And get an std test.”
“Gotta think if he was bold enough to smash at the party with everyone present,…he’s been creeping” – VegetableBusiness897
“You’re not an a**hole if you want to get a divorce because your husband cheated.”
“You can co-parent your child in a healthy way.”
“I think the alternative of growing up in a house where your son’s parents don’t love each other could be potentially worse for him than growing up with divorced parents.” – ChanceAd3606
“Please don’t be one of those parents who sets his child up for failure and future hurt by pretending bad things don’t happen and life is a fairytale.”
“Your son needs to know that people make mistakes and you can forgive them for those mistakes without allowing them to have the same access to you.”
“There are consequences for our actions.” – RandomReddit9791
“Not only did your husband cheat on you with his ex-wife, he did it at your son’s birthday party.”
“The fact they were very comfortable and quick to jump into bed together would make me think they haven’t stopped sleeping together even though Peter is married to you.”
“Let that sink in…… just because you have a son together doesn’t mean you have to accept being cheated on.”
“Staying for the kid never works out.”
“You need to be a role model to your son, and you should never let someone disrespect you like that.”
“You can have a healthy co-parent relationship with Peter and find someone that will be loyal to you.” – No_Client1841
“NTA.”
“You were cheated on – that is unforgivable for most of us.” – DevotedRed
OP took to the platform once again and offered two updates.
He first addressed some questions his fellow Redditors had.
“1. Peter and Allison didn’t notice me when I saw them. There was music very loud downstairs, and they weren’t facing the door.”
“2. I didn’t stop them because I was in shock. I just stood there for a moment, and I heard my son, so I unconsciously focused on him. I was pretty much on autopilot.”
“3. Peter didn’t come to the hotel with me because I changed to a different one, he did try to follow me but I took a taxi and left. As far as I know, he’s staying with his parents and Allison left.”
“4. We met when I was 20 and he was 30, we started as friends, and we ended up dating. Yes, we’re both men and no, I didn’t feel manipulated by him.”
OP also shared that he and his husband did finally speak in person at which time OP said he wanted a divorce.
His husband did not take it well.
In his second update, OP said he had to take some time off of work because his husband had been following him to work.
He also wrote that he made an appointment for Jack to see a therapist and that he will be making an appointment for himself next.
His fellow Redditors are wishing him and Jack all the best as they navigate this new chapter.