Blended families due to divorce and remarriage can be complicated.
Blended families due to infidelity make the usual complications seem mundane.
A woman with a complicated history with her half-sister turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Elegant-Solute asked:
"AITA for not accepting and returning the birthday present my half-sister gave my son?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My (27, female) parents got divorced when my brother and I were around six because he had a mistress and another child, our half-sister (25, female)."
"On the day my parents finalized their divorce, and my dad received full custody, both she and her mom came to live with us. Suffice to say, we didn't like either of them."
"When she was a child, she didn't understand why we didn't want to spend time together. She would complain to our dad about us, and then he would punish us."
"This added to our hatred."
"Growing up, she was his precious child, and he would celebrate her birthdays and her milestones while ignoring ours. He always catered to her wants and desires, but never bothered to learn about ours."
"Any of her wrongdoings would be easily forgiven, but if my brother and I made any mistakes, like dropping the TV remote, he'd severely berate us. Despite belonging to a wealthy family, my brother and I struggled financially and we couldn't even apply for scholarships."
"After all these things and more, when we became mature enough, we moved away and had no contact with any of them. I thought that we'd never meet again."
"Unfortunately, the universe played me a fool and I met her at my in-laws' family dinner. She was currently dating my husband's brother and he brought her over to introduce her to his family for the first time."
"I was in disbelief, and I wanted to ignore her, but she saw me and happily had a reunion with me. She told them that we were friends."
"Fast-forward to the present day—they're now engaged."
"I have a one-year-old son, and except for my husband and his brother, no one from their family knows that we are half-sisters. I suppose I have to accept that our lives will remain intertwined."
"Recently, we celebrated our son's birthday, and we held a small party with just our friends and family. Brother-in-law came to the party, she didn't."
"But when we were going through the presents my son received, I saw a gift with her name on it. It was addressed as 'from Aunt (her name) to (my son's name)' and it made me feel uncomfortable."
"I told my husband that I'd return it, and I don't want anything from her in my son's life. He was reluctant but supported me. So I did it."
"Later, when she received the returned package, she called me and asked me why. I told her my reasons."
"She said that I was being immature by denying a gift meant for someone else. And she gave it to him as his uncle's fiancée."
"While my husband agrees that I shouldn't have returned a gift given in goodwill, I haven't done anything wrong. But according to my brother, I'm being an a-hole to someone who has respected my wishes and remained distant."
"AITA for returning her present?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"Maybe the AH for rejecting someone's heartfelt gift given to someone else because I couldn't move on from our past or forgive her for actions that weren't hers."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
A handful of Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA, but you really should sit down with her and work out how things are going to go. Like it or not she's part of your family now." ~ NovaStar92
But the overwhelming majority thought the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
"YTA. She was a child. She didn't choose to be born or the circumstances of her birth. She was just as much a victim of your father's bad behavior as you were."
"While you had another sibling, you two isolated her, a small child. I don't know if your father's favoritism was in response to this or not, but either way that was also his poor behavior."
"You are continuing to punish someone for something another person did that hurt you. Other than your anger at your father's actions, do you really have any reason to be cruel to her like this?"
"At this point, you are also punishing your own child by denying them a family member who didn't do anything wrong and seems to want to be a loving Aunt."
"If you continue to let your anger at your father dictate your actions, you are going to remain miserable and continue to hurt innocent people. Please find a therapist and work on this." ~
"She is your sister and soon-to-be sister-in-law. The only thing she did here was treat your child with kindness, and you threw it in her face, which is what makes YTA."
"It seems like you've held on to a lot of hurt and anger that was almost entirely caused by your father. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life angry and avoiding family functions, it may be time to start addressing issues from your past." ~ PomegranateNo4660
"I'm sorry for the horrid way your dad treated you. But YTA here."
"Half-sis tried to respect your wishes by not showing up. She's also trying to be a part of this family she's marrying into and be kind to her fiancee's nephew."
"A kid who doesn't need to carry your past around as part of his baggage with family. He just needs to feel the love of his family."
"You need to accept that you and your half-sister will have your lives intertwined. She may not have been a great half-sister to you, but the bulk of that responsibility lies with your dad."
"She may turn out to be a decent SIL to you."
"I get that it won't be easy and that old hurts can easily raise their head whenever her mom and your dad enter the picture."
"If she can respect how hard that is for you, then I think all of your lives will be better if you can let her try to build a fresh, less directly connected relationship with you... and a loving relationship with your child." ~ swillshop
"OP, YTA for lying to your family about how you are related and continuing to hold a grudge against your half-sister over what your father did raising you. It is unfair to her."
"You could still have a beautiful relationship with your sister in spite of your father if you can choose or learn to focus that anger where it needs to go." ~ Zarboned
"Everything you mentioned was things your dad did to you, and you didn't mention anything your half-sister actually did to make your life a problem. Did she actually do anything besides being born?"
"If your half-sister gets married to your BIL, she will be in your life in some way no matter what. She's going to be part of your extended family."
"Your actions are going to create problems for your husband and his family. You are going to create rifts between you and your husband's family and this isn't smart. YTA." ~ HarveySnake
"YTA. Your anger seems misplaced. Your father was the a**hole."
"Also, how (and why) the hell are you keeping the fact that you're half-sisters a secret? That's going to come out, and people will be pretty cross they've been lied to." ~ TopAd7154
"YTA—It wasn't her fault that she was born or the circumstances of her birth. I get that there was favoritism, and that wasn't right, but that wasn't really her fault either."
"That being said, if you don't want to have a sisterly relationship with her that's fine. But here's why I think you are the a**hole:"
"'But according to my brother, I'm being an a**hole to someone who has respected my wishes and remained distant'."
"Your brother is absolutely right. This woman came to the conclusion that you wanted nothing to do with her, that you weren't going to have a familial relationship, and it sounds like she moved on with her life and wasn't pushy about trying to have a relationship."
"Then, by some crazy fate, she ended up in your in-law's family. When she first met instead of telling everybody you're sisters, she followed your lead and said you were 'friends' instead of family because I assume they knew nothing about her."
"But as far as I can tell, she didn't really push a relationship then either. Then she was gracious enough not to show up at the party."
"You could have done the polite thing and accepted the gift."
So when are you coming clean to all the in-laws? It's not like you can give back gifts and not want to be around her at family events and all the in-laws not start talking about why."
"They are going to want to know why you don't care for her when she seemingly has done nothing to you." ~ judgingA-holes
The OP added:
"I don't hate her. I mean, I don't think I do. But I'm uncomfortable with her."
"I've gone through therapy for my childhood issues and it's a never-ending battle. But perhaps I also need family therapy with my half-sister."
"I have no other reason except for a dad and a past."
"This doesn't make me look any better, but I can only blame her for the ignorance in the past and now for being a reminder."
As the parent, the OP always has the right to decide who is or isn't in her child's life.
But it sounds like the OP realizes she needs to come to a peaceful resolution with her half-sister unless she wants to damage her relationship with her in-laws.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp