Sometimes we need a swift reminder from the “Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should,” department.
And that definitely includes dating familial in-laws, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
After his sister got married, Redditor Upbeat_Definition_64 developed a friendly relationship with her father-in-law.
When the family discovered the two men had been texting each other fairly inappropriate messages, the Original Poster (OP) was blamed for starting the drama and potentially ruining her marriage.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for sending my sister’s father-in-law a ‘lewd’ message and ‘interfering with her married life’?”
The OP was feeling conflicted about something that had recently happened.
“Alright, well. I’ve got an embarrassing conflict that I’d rather not present to my friends, so I need the anonymous power of Reddit and all you judgment-giving strangers to help me out.”
He recently developed a relationship with his sister’s father-in-law (FIL).
“My sister (28 Female) got married in late April. I (25 Male) have been hanging out with her father-in-law, Thomas (mid-40s), ever since.”
“It’s not like we’re seeing each other on the daily, just every other weekend or so. We grab drinks or just hang out at his home, nothing nefarious.”
“Still, I’ve never brought it up to my sister because it’s never come up.”
“I should also mention that I am bisexual, and he is single, and I’m not totally against the idea of something happening with him. He’s a handsome, mature dude who has his s**t together.”
“Nothing much is going on, though.”
The OP’s latest visit with Thomas led to a questionable exchange.
“Last night, we were hanging out like we usually do. I’m typically in charge of playing music for us, and ‘Cyber Sex’ by Doja Cat came on the playlist I had queued up.”
“Thomas was amused by the lyrics and was asking me where I found the song.”
“It was a funny moment. We moved on, and I left after a while.”
“This morning when I woke up, I sent him a text along with a link to the song as a joke.”
“The text said, ‘Morninggg. Putting this on this A.M. and thinking of you, lol (laughing out loud).'”
The text message led to a serious stir.
“As it turns out, my sister and her husband were visiting at this point, and my BIL was in the middle of looking at something on Thomas’ phone when the message came through.”
“Apparently, it caused a huge stir and resulted in BIL confronting his father about the whole thing.”
“My sister called me later and asked why I was sending her father-in-law ‘lewd’ messages or hanging out with him at all.”
“She now thinks something is happening between the two of us and objected to me sending the text and song lyrics and us even hanging out without her knowledge.”
“I tried to explain the situation as I did here, that he and I grab drinks and catch up occasionally after finding things in common during her wedding weekend, but it is not going well.”
“I’m starting to feel guilty about the whole thing because she said I was interfering with her married life.”
“I’m lost. AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some didn’t think it should be a problem for the two men to be friends.
“NTA. You are all adults.”
“Hopefully, your sister is feeling more comfortable now that she is in the loop.”
“Only you and Thomas can decide what the dynamics of your friendship should entail.” – AdaptableAilurophile
“NTA. What does this have to do with her marriage? It’s a little weird you never mentioned it, but you can hang out with whoever you want.” – BetterDay2733
“I’m friends with my mate’s dad. He’s 20-something years older, but I’ve always just seen him as one of the boys. When we hang out, it’s just like hanging with anyone else really, and all we get out of it is each other’s company.”
“If anything, the generational gap just makes our friendship more interesting as we share things the other isn’t aware of or hasn’t experienced.”
“I don’t think there’s anything weird about their friendship. And I think that people who feel the need to be suspicious about it is close-minded and cynical.” – Danceman2000
“NTA. You probably should have mentioned to your sister that you’d become friends with her FIL but her and her husband’s reactions both seem crazy out of proportion.”
“Makes me wonder if there isn’t some other weird baggage with the husband’s father that you’re not aware of.” – RedHandedWind
“NTA. It is kind of weird that a man in his 20s is hanging out with his sister’s 40-something FIL. But you were just sending him inside joke lyrics, and it’s unhinged of everyone to freak out and your sister to say you’re interfering with her married life, lol (laughing out loud).” – Few-School-3869
“I mean, I can see how that could be misinterpreted, but only you and her FIL know the dynamics of your relationship at the end of the day.”
“I’m going with NTA. Your sister doesn’t get to police who is friends with who, and I don’t see how you being friends with the FIL impacts her marriage at all.” – VogonShakespeare
“I see nothing wrong with your relationship with the FIL. Your sister and now BIL sound kind of petty with their over-reaction and are trying to make the situation worse than it is. You should tell your sister to mind her own business, and the FIL should tell your now BIL to mind his own business. NTA.” – Cheddarbaybiskits
But others understood how messy the situation could potentially get.
“NTA. You guys are adults and can do whatever you want.”
“Just keep in mind, if you guys take it somewhere and break up later and either one gets hurt… It would be very uncomfortable for your sister or BIL to support either one of you. That could get very messy for everyone involved.” – dcookie22
“Something’s not adding up here. I don’t buy the fact that you and your new BFF, who is 20 years older, are just hanging out, drinking beers, and listening to Doja Cat. Either you’re leaving something out, or FIL is up to no good.”
“It’s not unusual to have friends of different ages, but you are literally a generation apart. Your sister is right to be suspicious.”
“I just reread the post and noted that the OP is bisexual and FIL is single, and based on that, I am definitely going the YTA route. Even if FIL is single, this is a completely inappropriate friendship for both parties involved.” – atomic_golfcart
“YTA, because you mentioned that you would down for stuff between you two to happen. You may not be related or anything, but yeah, that does put your sister and her husband in a very uncomfortable position.” – Lonelylittleacademic
“YTA. You’re flirting with your sister’s FIL and said you’d be down for something to happen.”
“You’re putting her in a precarious position and also just being straight-up tacky.” – Wheresthericeson
“Do you have no concept of boundaries?! This is your sister’s life and in-law! What is WRONG with you?! There are millions of men out there, and you go for her FIL?! Seriously?!”
“You don’t think it’ll be weird for her if you end up with him? You’d be brother AND FIL! What the h**l?! Stop hanging out with him, cut him off, and find someone else. Stop screwing up your sister’s life. YTA.” – queenlegolas
“YTA. This is incredibly inappropriate and disrespectful to your sister and BIL.”
“You need to learn to be less self-serving and learn some boundaries, as well.” – Important-Fondant646
“Looks like a flirty and suggestive text. Given the situation, I’d say YTA.” – whats-reddit17
“NAH. You can flirt with whomever you want if it is consensual. But they are also not a**holes for being upset about the unusual family dynamics this could affect (you could end up being your sister’s stepfather-in-law) and the perceived shadiness of not disclosing the relationship.”
“But I do caution you to think about the potential fallout from pursuing a relationship with him if it goes beyond the boundaries of friendship. It may not affect her marriage, per se, but extended family dynamics can fall under ‘married life’ because in-law stuff is definitely a part of being married.”
“Also, the weird part isn’t the age gap. It’s the keeping it quiet because it ‘never came up.’ How is keeping regular contact with your sister’s father-in-law (i.e., actively visiting him at home regularly to the point there is a ‘normal’ routine) something that doesn’t come up?”
“That feels like something you have to consciously not talk about for it not to be relevant. Like, there was no, ‘I talked to your wedding weekend. We seem to have a lot in common, and he seems great’?”
“Maybe I just talk to my siblings more, but I’d be surprised if any of them got a new close friend and I didn’t hear about it, especially if it’s somebody I know because they are my in-law.”
“My brother and brother-in-law are best friends and talk regularly. After they first met, my brother said, ‘I didn’t know he was cool.’ Do… siblings not share this kind of thing?” – a_little_biscuit
The subReddit couldn’t help but side-eye the potentially complicated dynamic of this family relationship, now tied together by marriage and possibly another side relationship.
If the OP were only seeking out friendship from an older man, that would be one thing, but the somewhat suggestive nature of the text message, assuming there was only one, and the fact that he was open to more happening left the family concerned for what this could mean for their connection.