Sexual harassment is defined as “behavior characterized by the making of unwelcome and inappropriate sexual remarks or physical advances in a workplace or other professional or social situation.”
A hostile workplace is defined as “when one’s behavior within a workplace creates an environment that is difficult or uncomfortable for another person to work in, due to illegal discrimination.”
Despite local, state and federal labor laws prohibiting such behavior in the workplace, workers across the United States find themselves in situations like these. Workers still question if they should report supervisors or coworkers for such behavior.
A woman, uncomfortable with her boss’ comments, turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to ask a hypothetical “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA) question.
The Redditor asked:
“WIBTA if I reported my boss for making comments of my husbands ‘big black dick’ to his wife (also my boss)?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“For context, I (24) am a White woman married to a Black man (25) and work for my (White) bosses ‘James’ (31) and his wife ‘Jane’ (31).”
“When I was hired James was my only boss, but when his wife got pregnant he promoted her from a coworker to a manager, and recently he has ‘stepped down’ from his general manager position and gave it to his wife, Jane.”
“I’ve been working with this company for a year and a half and had multiple ‘big black c*ck’ jokes made to me about my husband. At first I ignored it because honestly I didn’t know how to handle it.”
“As time went on I got more and more frustrated with him constantly bringing up my husband’s d*ck, including at a group outting in November in front of coworkers saying that I ‘always talked about my husbands big black dick’.”
“I’ll admit that in college I was really annoying about sex, and at 18 would make sex jokes/d*ck jokes but as I grew up I realized how uncomfortable they made other people, and out of respect for myself, my husband and my coworkers I don’t talk about sex/penises with them because no one needs to know about it.”
“After the outing in November, I started making comments back saying ‘that’s gross’ or ‘icky’ or ‘that’s personal’ or ‘that’s not appropriate’.”
“A few weeks ago he made a ‘big black d*ck’ joke and I got fed up and told him those comments were racist, and in response he told me it ‘wasn’t a d*ck so I shouldn’t take his joke so hard’.”
“After I called him out on his racist comment all the comments had stopped for about 6 weeks, so I was going to leave it alone since the comments had stopped.”
“On Monday I walked into the back and James was talking to 2 other coworkers, and as soon as I walked back he said something that sounded like him offering me a pickle, to which I said ‘ew no thanks, I don’t like pickles’.”
“I’m not sure what he actually said because James took that as a chance to let me know in front of my coworkers that ‘he wasn’t offering me his pickle’ and ask me what I called my husband’s d*ck.”
“I told him that was personal, and he continued with ‘an eggplant?'”
“I’m pretty fed up with the comments about my husband’s d*ck, and I’ve talked to coworkers and I’m the only one he makes inappropriate comments like that to. I’ve asked James and Jane to sit down with me tomorrow morning for a meeting and haven’t given any other context to why I want the meeting.”
“I feel bad because even though I’ve made several comments about it being ‘icky’ or ‘personal’ I haven’t straight up told him it’s not okay, so maybe I should do that before I call his wife/our boss in?”
“I love my job and my coworkers, so I’m not trying to leave but I’m seriously fed up with the d*ck jokes (especially the ‘big black d*ck’ jokes) and they only come from him.”
“I only see James about once a week and the interaction is usually a decent/good one, I just don’t know how to handle the comments.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided unanimously OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA, this is sexual harassment.” ~ Redditor
“Racist bigoted sexual harassment for an extra special bonus.” ~ Stormdanc3
“NTA. There is historically deeply entrenched racism related to the penis size of Black men which needs to be addressed.”
“When Black people were stolen, the size of genitals Black men appeared to have, was a further tool slave owners used to de-humanise them and reduce their identity to their sexual function.”
“Furthermore it was used also as a way to defend the supposition that Black men were at the mercy of their ‘animalistic’ sexual urges and therefore had to be controlled.”
“If you want to keep your job, then try to keep it professional. Personally I would email the actual manager, rather than having a meeting.”
“2 against 1 which is not a good idea for you, considering the huge imbalance of power.” ~ Zenmeister321boom
“!!! Do NOT put anything in writing without speaking to a lawyer first!!!”
“(Source: I am a lawyer.)”
“I’m not against documenting sexual harassment. She absolutely should document it.”
“I’m simply advising OP to talk to a lawyer ASAP so she can understand all of the options and the best ways to document without destroying her credibility.” ~ Quirky_Bumblebee_461
“Keep a diary of every incident, the time, date and place it occurred, and the witnesses there.” ~ itsemmab
“She needs to be documenting each occurrence and witnesses every time starting now not as a consequence for future transgressions.” ~ jackieatx
“Right?? This guys has wrapped up racism and sexual harassment in the worse kind of package. NTA.” ~ ooiprocs
“And hostile work environment. She’s got a twofer that any lawyer would take on as a case.”
“I had my training on this for my new job just yesterday and in their presentation, they mentioned a case just like this.”
“And how the woman being harassed won a nice big settlement after the company in the example tried to down play the seriousness of her complaints.” ~ PracticalLady18
“Clear example sexual harassment with racist undertones. If you don’t report him, he’ll just keep getting worse and worse.”
“He’s probably rude/inappropriate comments all over the place. Someone needs to stop him. NTA.” ~ gaspagx10
“NTA. This is clear, racist, sexual harassment. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, and that these people are your bosses.”
“As for not having directly told him to stop (or, you know, to absolutely f’k off forever and ever), don’t feel bad at all. He knows.”
“The onus is on him not to harass you, regardless of how you react. If you bring it up now and he acts blindsided, he’s lying.”
“Is it possible to go above Jane on this? If possible, I might try to get some advice from a lawyer.” ~ vvitchofthevvood
The OP’s boss’ behavior was not only unprofessional, it was also illegal. Hopefully the OP was able to find a resolution that met her needs.