One of the most intimidating moments of beginning a new relationship is when the time comes to meet the significant other's family.
This can lead to stress, so determined are some to leave a good first impression.
Sometimes contributing to that stress is when one's significant other makes suggestions as to how they might make a good impression.
This can include changing things about their personality or outward appearance.
One Redditor recently made such a suggestion to her boyfriend ahead of his meeting her grandparents, asking him to reconsider wearing one of his trademark items of clothing.
But her boyfriend did not take this suggestion well at all, leading to some unexpected strife in their relationship.
Wondering if she was out of line, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my bf he'll need to take his hat off during dinner when he meets my grandparents?"
The OP first shared her boyfriend has one highly defining physical trait, resulting in one constant addition to his daily wardrobe.
"I (22 f[emale]) have been in a relationship with my bf (30 m[ale]) for six months now, casually dating for much longer, and my family has been itching to meet him."
"It's important to note that he has very long, sternum length hair that he rarely brushes."
"To the point where large mats will form, he's had me cut some out in the past."
"So he almost always wears a hat."
The OP's parents didn't appear to be fazed by his hairstyle, or his hat, but her father hinted that other members of her family might not be as taken by either.
"He met my parents for the first time last weekend and he'll be meeting my grandparents for the first time this coming weekend."
"I will be driving the two of us around 1.5 hours to my grandparents' house for dinner cooked by my grandma."
"Yesterday I was chatting with my dad and he said, 'we like your bf very much, yada yada yada, does he always wear hats?'.
"I explained that yes, he is almost always wearing a hat."
"My dad then went on to explain that his parents, the aforementioned grandparents, had a very strict no hats at the dinner table rule when he was growing up, so it would behoove my bf to take off his hat during dinner out of respect/general table manners."
The OP shared this with her boyfriend, assuming it would not be much of an issue, but found herself in for an unpleasant surprise.
"That night I tried to casually explain this to my bf and he became very upset."
"He got really defensive and raised his voice saying things like 'I don't like to be told what to do… Why do I always have to change who I am for people… I never tell you to do anything around my family… how would you feel if I said you can't wear makeup anymore?'.
"And at one point implied that my dad didn't actually say that and that I was making it up to get him to take his hat off during dinner."
"Frankly, I don't care if he wears his hat or not at the table, but I would never want to risk offending my lovely grandparents by disrespecting theirs rules in their house."
"I tried explaining this to him but he shut me down and said he didn't want to talk about it anymore."
"Later that night I texted my dad 'Are [grandparents] really gonna care that much if he wears his hat at dinner?'.
"He responded, 'Yes. Sorry'."
"I took a screenshot and decided I shouldn't bring it up again for at least a few hours."
"Today I sent my bf the screenshot of the exchange and followed it up with 'Sorry babe, I tried :('.
"I was foolish to not expect another tantrum."
"He responded with, and this is verbatim:"
"'Why did you try?'"
"'That makes it worse.'"
"'Jesus OP cmon.'"
"Now I look like a f*ckin idiot.'"
"JUST F*CKING DROP IT OKAY."
"Why the f*ck would you ask your dad such a dumb question like that."
"'Now he thinks that I'm against taking it off wtf why on f*cking earth would you keep stirring sh*t up.'"
"'I'm mad'."
"'That's just completely setting me up to be in an awkward position at this dinner that I'm already not thrilled about.'"
"His response was so repulsive to me that it's been several hours and I still haven't responded."
"I don't understand why it's so hard for him to respect my grandparents enough to take his hat off for thirty minutes at their table to eat the food they prepared."
"Now I'm questioning if I'm really the asshole his reactions make me out to be."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believe the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community overwhelmingly agreed the OP was definitely not the a**hole by asking if her boyfriend would take his hat off during dinner.
Just about everyone agreed the OP's boyfriend sounded like bad news and she should seriously contemplate how healthy this relationship is.
"NTA."
"You sure this is what you consider a keeper?"
"At 22 you have plenty of time to set your sights a little higher."
"Like, someone who washes their hair."- Reasonable-Bear-1374.
"NTA."
"If you are dating a 30 year old man who does not brush his hair to the point you have to cut out rat's nests, he's got problems you can't solve."- Shaggymaggie.
"NTA."
"The issue isn't your bf wearing a hat to dinner, which is inappropriate, but that you're dating a 30 year old man who fails at basic hygiene and throws tantrums."
"You may want to rethink this relationship."- Consistent-Leopard71.
"NTA he doesn't practice basic hygiene like brushing his hair and he's upset that he looks bad?"
"This sounds like an exhausting future for you."- princessofperky.
"NTA."
"He can't take care of himself how is he ever going to take care of you? "
"There's a reason he's 30 and dating a 22 yr old."
"I rarely bring up age differences but this time I think it's warranted."- murphy2345678.
"NTA, but honestly, why are you with him?"
"He seems extremely rude and unhygienic."- ArrowsAndLightsabers.
"NTA."
"I promise you as someone who has dated every shade of red flag in my 20s, the fact that at 30 he insists on having long hair but can't be bothered to actually care for it...there's a rabbit hole of other major issues."
"Save yourself and runnnnnn."-Aggravating-Street28.
"30 year old that wants long hair but doesn't brush his hair and thus, wears hats to cover his head?"
"That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard."
"Break up with him."
"He lacks basic self care."
"NTA."- Coco_Dirichlet.
"NTA."
"From the get there was a massive overreaction on his part about this."
"You need to get rid of this guy because at 30 he shouldn't be acting like that, and the reason he's going for younger girls is because no woman his age will put up with it."-JCBashBash.
"NTA."
"Your boyfriend sounds dirty. Who wouldn't brush their hair that long? Why not just cut it off if he can't even bother with it? How embarrassing. That's probably what it is, he's embarrassed. Still though WTF.
He's 30 dating a 22 year old. Honey there's a reason he can't get women his age to date him.- glaciummm.
"Honestly this is one of those posts where it's impossible for me to imagine what OP finds attractive about her boyfriend."
"Long matted hair, wears a hat at all times, soesn't realize no hats at the table is standard social convention, has a tantrum when OP even makes a suggestion to him, which OP fully expects and yet is still with this guy."
"He sounds like a prince among men!"
"If there were one and only one man left on this earth, I would still be single forever rather than choosing this guy."-anon28374691.
"If he wants long hair, he needs to take care of it."
"Brushing/combing is the MINIMUM, along with washing it."
"Does he wash it?"
"And how can you stand being with someone so unable to care for his own basic hygiene?"
"I mean, you have no problem cutting matted hair off his head?"
"I'm sorry, that's just so unpleasant."
"You are NTA, except to yourself."-columbospeugeot.
"Don't date 'adults' with matted hair."
"Kempt dreads are a different thing, but your man's hair just sounds gross."-Gatorae.
"Your bf sounds gross as f*ck."
"Does he think he's kid rock or something?"
"He's 30 and acting like a teenager."
"You can probably do much better."
"I don't think YTA, but maybe you are for staying with the loser and subjecting your grandparents to him."
"I bet your bf doesn't have a job or a place of his own too?"-habitsofwaste.
If his resistance to simply not wear a hat at the dinner table wasn't enough of a red flag, perhaps the fact he seemed to openly state how he was not looking forward to meeting the OP's grandparents was.
It's hard not to agree with the rest of the Reddit community in that the OP might want to give this relationship a second thought.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp