Some say the most important aspect of a relationship is communication. The most important aspect of communication if relationship expectations. It doesn’t matter if it’s a serious or casual relationship as long as all parties involved are aware of the dynamic.
Redditor lowesman102 encountered an issue with his girlfriend. So he turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
“AITA for not consulting my GF on a ‘big’ decision?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So I (29M) own my house and my girlfriend of 2 years Molly (28F) stays over frequently.”
“So our situation is that Molly doesn’t like her apartment so she stays most of the week at my house. I’m cool with it as I love having her around obviously.”
“I pay for all the bills and have never asked Molly to contribute. She does buy groceries for us and will buy crafty items for the house. But she’s never been asked financially to contribute as she still has her own apartment she stays at about once or twice a week.”
“I’d say the cooking and cleaning is split at my place pretty fair with us each doing about 50/50. We haven’t discussed moving in together or anything like that.”
“So I have a finished basement that isn’t really being used but is a great space.”
“Molly has always had these plans to make it into something. I’ve always wanted to make it my man cave but Molly wanted to make it like a basement living room and dining space.”
OP’s girlfriend loves decorating.
“She would always watch HGTV and say things like ‘see we could turn that basement into this.'”
“But we haven’t made any sort of decision in over a year and the space was being left unused.”
“So, Molly left last week for a week long trip to see her parents. During that time my best friends Shea stayed for a week due to some housing issues at her place.”
“One night I was scrolling through TikTok and saw this badass man cave set up. I talked to Shea about the idea and she was down too. We went to Home Depot that night and started the project.”
“We designed everything and over the course of a week finished everything.”
“Painted, designed the bar, built a bar, found an old ping pong table on marketplace, got all my sports memorabilia out of boxes, hung a ton of pics, hooked up a speaker and a projector screen. We created this really badass man cave.”
OP’s friend brought a lot to the table.
“Shea works in construction so she offered a lot of experience and I wouldn’t have been able to do it on my own.”
“When Molly got home on Sunday she flipped out. Saying she couldn’t believe I did this without consulting her.”
“I was kinda ticked off because it looked awesome and she didn’t even say anything positive. Just got offended she wasn’t consulted. I said she doesn’t pay for the house, didn’t have any real plans for the space, it’s my house and I don’t see why I need to consult her to make a decision on my house.”
“She’s been acting all standoffish since and won’t even hang out in the basement while I’m spending a lot of my time here.”
“My friends say that I’m right and it’s my place.”
“That we’re not married or even living together so it’s my choice what happens to my house.”
“But my mom called me an idiot. AITA?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed there were conflicted in this case.
“You two have been together two years, are almost 30, and have had conversations in the past about potential mutual plans for the house. She’s clearly thinking that marriage is on the horizon and that she’ll move in and merge finances. You’re thinking….‘man cave time!’ So yeah, technically you had every right to do this but you also clearly communicated to your girlfriend that the two of you aren’t on the same page. NAH, but you are a bit clueless and self involved.”
“Also…why would she want to hang out in your man cave? Isn’t that kinda the point?” ~ Temporary_Badger
“I was thinking along similar lines. Although I did have a thought that while the ‘man cave’ is the trigger but that it could be a wider issue. She’s practically living as she’s there 5 days a week. Has moving in together been discussed at all?”
“Edit: She making plans for his house and buying ornaments for his house that she stays in 5/6 days a week. It’s pretty clear she sees herself moving in there in future as you say.” ~ DoobleTap
“Definitely. She’s discussed plans for their future, even discussed using the spaces together specifically , and doesn’t seem like he shut them down. She probably views it as their home. And if she stays over most of the time + they are serious, why shouldn’t she? OP doing this is a majorly dumb move – his communication skills are most certainly lacking.”
“Also, why did OP decide to do it a) with another woman, and b) exactly when Molly is out of town? Spending time with your female best friend is one thing, and carrying out a major home renovation that he didn’t discuss with his girlfriend beforehand is a whole other matter. Does OP think Molly would object to his plans (which she did) and thus chose this time so she wouldn’t be able to ‘interfere’? There’s definitely something suspicious here. It’s understandable if Molly feels betrayed or blindsided by OP’s decision.”
“OP, be honest: do you see a future with Molly? Given your ages and relationship length, it’s not surprising she’s thinking of a commitment. But you’re tailoring the space to fit your needs and yours only as a bachelor. It doesn’t seem like you guys are on the same page here.”
“I don’t know about the judgment, but OP’s mom is 100% correct.” ~ GoodGirlsGrace
Have they talked about living together?
“This is exactly what I was thinking. I have a suspicion that OP left out the fact that Molly was upset about Shea staying there for an entire week and doing a home renovation together, without her knowledge or even at the least without her creative input. I’m just guessing but I don’t see how it couldn’t be part of the issue.”
“If my boyfriend made a major change, while I was gone, with another woman, on a space we had loosely agreed would be a mutual project, I would feel pretty unimportant to him.” ~ HelloKalder
“100% your last paragraph. It’s just shady. There’s a lot of things to be said about miscommunication (or just not communicating at all while she was away) or just not seeing the obvious signs she’s giving off about moving in together, etc but this, a major change done with another woman, I’d feel betrayed too.” ~ lilys_toady_bestie
“I’m usually chill about men in relationships having women that they’re friends with, but even if Shea and OP have no feelings for each other, it seems like he valued her opinion more than his basically live-in gf. Also have they talked about the gf moving in at all?” ~ TotallyWonderWoman
They are not on the same page.
“Yeah, this is what gets me. They are not on the same page in the relationship. Honestly, I think OP is subconsciously out but doesn’t really realize it himself yet.”
“They have been talking about what to do with the space but nothing has happened for years, but then all of a sudden Molly goes out of town for a week and the renovation is completed without warning? That is deliberate, sorry. Even though she doesn’t own the house, she basically does live there (she only stays at her place once a week for crying out loud) and it’s clear the next step in your relationship would be for her to move in.”
“You’ve been together two years, you’re in your late 20’s, a next step is due. Shit or get off the pot.” ~ EveningJellyfish1
“NAH. But if I were his GF, I’d break up over this. At two years into a relationship, I would be thinking about marriage and kids (not saying everyone does, but she definitely seems to be thinking their relationship is moving forward).”
“If I was talking about plans for a house together, then came back to see the person I was dating disregarded all my thoughts and made a man cave, I’d probably think, ‘this guy has no plans for a future with us, and even if he did, he will always see this house is his.’ I’d end things and let him enjoy his man cave.”
“I didn’t call OP an A-H because technically he can do what he wants with his house, but his oblivious response and general lack of awareness that this is about more than a man cave says a lot about this guy. He seems to lack empathy and only sees things from his POV. He’s probably not, maturity-wise, ready for a long-term relationship.” ~ crystallz2000
The man cave is just the symptom of a much larger problem.