Taking the next step with a partner, like exchanging keys or moving in together, is meant to be a happy occasion and a sign of all the good things that are to come.
But sometimes instead, it reveals red flags we didn’t realize were there before, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
To help her partner save on his cost of living, Redditor Basic-Fan-9880 offered for him to move in with her, with her paying most of their living costs.
But when he expected her to cover even more fees, the Original Poster (OP) began to question what she was getting into.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for refusing to pay half of my partner’s termination fee?”
The OP offered to allow her boyfriend of three years to move in with her.
“I (25 Female) own my house (not outright, I have a mortgage). My partner (27 Male) has been renting his current property for nearly two years, with a two-year fixed tenancy agreement. We have been together for three years.”
“He has recently been making little comments about having money issues, nothing direct, but I felt he was definitely hinting at moving in.”
“For example, he said that though he isn’t struggling to pay the rent (or the rest of his bills) he is unable to indulge in his hobbies.”
“As we’ve been together a while and it felt like the natural next step and felt like that’s what he was hinting at, I suggested he move in with me.”
“We agreed that as he isn’t gaining any equity in my house, he won’t contribute to the mortgage but he will split all utilities with me equally. So will be saving quite a lot of money monthly.”
The OP’s partner demanded she covers more, however.
“Now the letting agency has told him that he has to pay an early termination fee as he will be leaving his tenancy three months early. The fee is around £600.”
“He asked me to pay half of it today and blew up at me when I said no.”
“My reasoning was, he will be saving money in the long run by moving in with me anyway. I am covering the cost of my property, so he should be covering the cost of his. I don’t see this as a joint bill.”
“He thinks I’m the AH because I asked him to move in, so I’m the reason he’s leaving his tenancy early anyway so I should be responsible for half of it.”
The OP’s partner proceeded to gaslight her.
“When I told him he could stay at his and move in with me when his tenancy ended (and therefore would not be required to pay the fee), he got even angrier and said I was showing my true colors and didn’t actually want him to move in with me or have an equal partnership.”
“Unsure if it’s important, but for clarification, he has enough in his savings account to cover the whole fee. I have about double what he has in savings.”
“He is aware of this as I’ve loaned him money from my savings before.”
“I don’t think I’m the AH if I’m being honest, but he certainly does so I thought I’d get some other opinions.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some questioned the deal the OP was providing her boyfriend.
“So you basically offered him a deal where he gets free rent and only has to cover HALF of the utilities, and he’s whining that he’ll have to fork out all of £600 to get out of his current lease?”
“Do you really want to share a house with someone like that?”
“NTA, though you might upgrade that to E S H if you roll over and let him freeload off you.” – ieya404
“The free rent and split utilities blew my mind. I cover ALL utilities (and streaming services/groceries) and my partner covers the mortgage payment since it’s in their name. It makes it so we are both paying equal shares.”
“NTA OP, but red flags all around. He is choosing to break the lease, you aren’t forcing him, just extending an offer. He is acting entitled and you arent even living together. Just, noooooo.” – s0m3on3outthere
“Soon it will be, I hate my job and I want to spend more time on my hobbies. There goes the utility money. He’ll slowly have her paying for everything, cooking, cleaning, and basically mothering him.” – twilightswimmer
“NTA.”
“And if you have any sense, you’ll cancel your offer and not let him move in.”
“He’s already feeling entitled to your money. He’ll be living rent-free at your expense. He’s only offered half utilities, which is not enough. And he also wanted to move in, yet he’s somehow spinning this as some huge favor he’s doing you.”
“The h**l with him. His meanness over this 600 euros (actually 300) just cost him a rent-free home. And as you say, this is his bill, not yours.” – Unhappy-Prune-7400
“And if things don’t work out, I bet he will expect OP to help him get into a new place.” – Possible_Try_7400
“I owned and my partner rented. Granted, we were engaged, but still. They paid half of all the bills. Because guess what? It was still cheaper than both of us paying housing costs by a lot. And they were not officially on the title until we purchased our next place together.”
“This partner of yours is taking advantage. You need to sit down and have a very serious talk about finances and expectations BEFORE moving in together. And based on how they are behaving, I’d suggest a written contract. Or just don’t move in together.” – SabrinaT8861
Others hoped the OP would reconsider living together and the relationship altogether.
“This entire situation is a hand grenade with the pin already pulled! Do not let him put one foot in residency of your home or leave so much as a shirt behind! He is looking for you to support him and make your money and resources his.”
“He’s unbelievably selfish and frankly, this is a really good attempt at financial abuse. Do not let him get started this way. You need to seriously consider terminating this relationship immediately.” – Dipping_My_Toes
“NTA. But he is showing his true colors, though. He is moving in so he can save money to fund his hobbies rather than wish to live with you. I would rethink having him move in if I were you.” – phoenix_ekawa
“I would rethink the whole relationship. The fact he’s trying to save money to indulge in his own hobbies by moving in with her, and then forcing her to pay half the termination, and then now gaslighting her.”
“The next step is him asking for a joint account and start withdrawing money for his own ‘hobbies,’ and most of that money will be OP’s earnings.” – Al319
“He hints around that he wants to move in; you offer to let him move in and now he’s turned that around to where he was only going to move in to do YOU a FAVOR. HUH? This is gaslighting at its finest, OP.”
“All this nitpicking over trifles (I pay half utilities but you must also subsidize my termination fee), in what universe does that make sense? This is the deal of a lifetime for him and yet he presents it to you as you are some sort of ogre that is taking advantage of him.”
“This guy is brilliant. I would totally rethink this whole relationship. Listen to your intuition, OP; it’s telling you something is fishy here.” – briomio
“My heart sank for OP because this is similar to how I ended up with a bad dude who held me hostage financially.”
“The shock and confusion you feel sometimes keeps you off kilter long enough to sway you to accept their bulls**t as gospel. At that moment, you choose to turn a blind eye or run screaming like you’re on fire.”
“Don’t do it, OP. Let this one go and find yourself one that’s respectful and kind.” – Murky_Language_9740
“NTA, OP, consider this your opportunity to postpone living together. He is showing you who he really is; believe him.”
“If he is genuinely committed to you and to the relationship, waiting to move in together won’t be a big deal. If he’s using you and hoping to take financial advantage of you, he will refuse to honor healthy boundaries and will push you to do what he wants and not what’s right for you or for the relationship.”
“Consider this a warning shot and proceed carefully.” – blancamystiere
“It’s not even red flag territory anymore. This is a black flag.” – EndRed27
The subReddit could understand how couples might split their bills when they were first moving in together, they otherwise saw a lot of issues with how the OP’s living arrangements were being set up.
Not only was the payment plan severely imbalanced, but the boyfriend continuously demanding more money, after already having borrowed money from the OP in the past, didn’t say anything good about their relationship.