It really is true that actions speak louder than words. No matter how much someone tells us that they love us, it will never matter if they don’t act accordingly toward us.
It’s also very true that their lack of care and consideration will add up over time, pointed out the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit, until we’ve had enough and decide to leave.
Redditor cherrycreampie had reached that point with her boyfriend, who repeatedly showed how he did not prioritize or care about her needs or expectations.
When he ruined a mug that was sentimental to her, because it was from her late grandmother, the Original Poster (OP) realized the mug was more than a mug. It was the cherry on top.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting for thinking about leaving because my boyfriend ruined my cup?”
The OP was fed up with her boyfriend.
“I just. I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if I’m valid in this.”
“I (26 Female) and my boyfriend (24 Male) have been living together for over a year now.”
“And while he’s mostly sweet, there are a few… mannerisms I have had issues with, as I’m sure he has some issues with mine.”
“We’re both from the south originally, so we have some strong personalities that sometimes clash. Together, we have worked on those things.”
“One of these things is that he doesn’t always pay attention to my important things and what he’s doing with them or being careful with them.”
“For example, I have a $2000 PC, and he is aware that when he messes with the light switch in our room, it short-circuits everything in here, and he’s almost ruined my PC twice with this thoughtlessness.”
The final straw was a special mug from her late grandmother.
“Now. There’s this cup that I have. I’ve had it for nine years, it’s made 12 different moves with me, and I have protected and cared for this cup. It’s a beautiful hand-painted cup that my grandmother had made for me to match my first tattoo after I got it done (an underwater scene), and it was truly breathtaking.”
“This morning, I found it in the dishwasher. Ruined.”
“Mind you, over the entire course of our relationship, I have reminded him repeatedly when he’s going to do the dishes, please remember that cup is hand-wash only.”
“I’ve said it to him so many times, the last time I did, he actually snapped at me a little, said he knows, and I don’t have to remind him all the time.”
“So I stopped mentioning it. And then boom, this morning happens.”
“I am heartbroken over this cup. It meant the world to me. I’ve been crying all morning.”
The OP needed some distance from her boyfriend.
“I’ve asked him to go to a friend’s house because I’m so angry with him.”
“This isn’t the first time he’s just been thoughtless with my things. But it’s the first time he’s actually ruined something so special and important to me.”
“He’s making jokes, he’s giving me emotionless and monotone, ‘I’m sorry’s.”
“I had to ask him THREE TIMES to leave, and I think it’s because usually when we argue, it isn’t this serious, and he waits for me to just be okay with him again, or waits for me to calm down and accept his apology.”
“It’s been four hours. I’ve not calmed down. I want him out of my house, and to not come back tonight. It’s my house solely, and I’m not sure if I want him to come back.”
“I’m honestly considering ending the relationship because of the constant disrespect and lack of caring towards my things, when I’m nothing but cautious and careful with his guitars and s**t all over the place?”
“It’s obviously not just about the cup; the cup just feels like the final straw.”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that this was a much bigger issue than the mug.
“No, you’re not overreacting. It wasn’t some crazy, clumsy moment. He’s habitually careless about your feelings and cherished things.”
“S**t shouldn’t be this hard with someone you’ve only been living with for a year. If you’re feeling disrespected and uncared for now, when you’re supposed to be young and in love and having fun, it only gets worse from here.”
“Not because he doesn’t love you or because he’s not a good person, but because the longer we’re with someone, the more likely we are to go through hard times at some point.”
“And if he can’t handle the basic stuff, like apologizing when you hurt someone you care about and actually meaning it, how’s he going to handle whatever challenges and joys the future throws at you. Because, and I’m sure you’ve heard this a million times, you deserve better. So much better.” – wildeap
“NOR. This has clearly been an issue for a long time, and he hasn’t cared enough about the stress (and now loss/grief) his habits have caused you to work on changing them.”
“My partner has had this issue in the past (he has severe ADHD). You know what he did? He got into therapy, got medicated, and started working every day to change those habits.”
“If your boyfriend put literally ANY effort in, I’d say to give him grace and talk to him about how you feel once you’ve cooled down. But in this situation, why bother?” – NoVisibleTumors
“Comparisons aren’t exact, but I have multiple disabilities, which affect my awareness of my body, so I’m extremely clumsy, affect my long/short-term memory, and energy levels to perform tasks (so some get done with less care just to get it done).”
“When I moved in with my partner, we talked about what items (especially the kitchen) were very beloved or needed special care. I spoke to them about the likelihood that I will break things 100% by accident, and that due to my memory, he needed to remind me and put up with me asking many, many times what the special care/circumstances of items are while I learned.”
“It took maybe eight weeks, and I know his special items and how to care for them as well as I know my own belongings. The ones that are irreplaceable (or I can’t afford to replace) are treated with the priority and care of my own dearest treasures.”
“OP, he barely said sorry. He didn’t care how much it hurt you if it was ruined from his failures to remember or perform the special care. He didn’t care to soothe your clear worry over this outcome by working at all, even a little, to listen and remember the times you spoke to him or reminded him. He doesn’t have a single excuse for not having learned this simple thing.”
“You are not overreacting to consider leaving someone who doesn’t listen to you, or care about what you communicate, is important, and not only hurts you so deeply, but didn’t react in a caring or concerned way after.”
“Also, I highly recommend getting a crazy long corded surge protector and running your rig from a different outlet. I run mine from 12 feet away to avoid the light switch thing it isn’t worth the stress.” – Resource-Even
“OP, it’s time to reconsider this relationship. Your partner should take care of the things important to you.”
“And yes, mistakes do happen. However, his lack of a proper apology makes it seem like he did this on purpose, or he really just disregards you. Whichever that is, it’s not worth it.” – UndercoverBFF
“Honey, I’m sorry, but I’d be done with him when he almost ruined my PC, let alone a precious cup from your grandma. Please leave.”
“At best, he is a thoughtless id**t, and at worse, he’s showing signs of weaponized incompetence, which is abuse.” – Select_Secretary_770
Others agreed and urged the OP to end the relationship before the situation got worse.
“I hope that we all end up with people who actually care about us.” – voltinc
“Do you want to stand over the shoulder of a thoughtless idiot the rest of your life to make sure he doesn’t wreck your things or do things correctly? Don’t need a grown toddler as a partner.” – Jazzlike_Rip_996
“They don’t get better. They get worse. If he is disrespectful now, he will continue to be so and worse as time goes on. Don’t waste any more of your energy or youth on this person who cares so little about what means a lot to you.”
“NOR.” – Sexy_Madness
“OP, this hit something. Last year I was in a relationship, but it wasn’t healthy. It never escalated to something physical, but still.”
“He kept ‘joking’ that I was a hoarder and he would get rid of my stuff if it got worse. One day, he decided/commanded that we were going to move in together (we had known each other for less than three months at this point). He told me that when he moved in, I was either getting rid of my plants, which he knew I loved, or my decor, which he also knew I loved.”
“I got mad, he said it was a compromise, something had to go, but I got to keep something. I asked what he was getting rid of then.”
“Then he said the most absurd thing ever, ‘If I were addicted to drugs and sex workers and you asked me to quit one of them, what would you have to sacrifice then?’ It was so absurd.”
“I had to check into a psych ward very shortly after who helped me realize that it was not healthy. So I broke up with him, it’s been a year today exactly. We were only together for a very short amount of time, but it did a lot of damage and escalated fast.”
“Sometimes I wonder if I overreacted, but then I come across a post or comments like yours that just hits a spot and makes me realize yet another thing in that relationship that wasn’t healthy. So thank you for sharing. I never thought about the ‘his vs my stuff’ thing.” – DuckRubberDuck
“You know, I once read something in a way more intense thread that changed my perspective entirely on this forever, and maybe changed my life.
In that thread, the girl’s boyfriend had gotten drunk and destroyed her houseplants, it was devastating, she loved them, and he did it while angry and drunk.”
“He’d broken her things before, but ‘only angry’ and ‘he was always sorry,’ and ‘he just can’t control his emotions when he’s angry, he breaks things.'”
“Someone asked in the comments, ‘if he can’t control his emotions when he’s angry and just breaks things, does he ever break his things, or just yours?'”
“Just that one question led me back years in my terrible, toxic, abusive (now ended) relationship. So many times my things got broken. Or were called useless, or I was told they were ‘taking up space.’ Anything and everything that was ‘mine’ prior to our life together was up for trashing. I was told I was overly sentimental, hoarding, living in the past, etc.”
“This… will only get worse, and it will begin to isolate you from yourself. The things around you aren’t yours anymore; you start to lose little pieces at a time, until you look up one day and exist in a house that doesn’t even look like you live there.”
“He does not care about you or your things, because you are no more than a possession to him. His possessions don’t need things. They need to sit still and look pretty and not have opinions or things or needs.”
“Please don’t overlook this. He may not be quite malicious yet, but this was either on purpose to ‘show you,’ or on accident, and he doesn’t care about your feelings.”
“Either way, you deserve better. It is not about the cup. Although, I really am sorry about that. I sobbed over a bookmark that my sister gave me that I kept for more than a decade before my ex made sure it got ruined.”
“It’s hurtful, it’s mean, and I have found it to be unforgivable in my personal experience, and I do not think you are wrong at all to consider this the straw that breaks the camel’s back.” – doomweaver
The subReddit felt terrible for the OP, not only the loss of her grandmother’s mug, but also the other things her boyfriend had ruined during their relationship, including the respect directed at the OP.
It was time for a new power surge cord to come into the house and for the boyfriend to leave it.