When someone we love reaches an important milestone, like a birthday or a promotion, we tend to want to go all-out to make them feel special and loved during that time.
But sometimes other people like to involve themselves in the planning, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor LiveZebra7180 wanted to have a special, international trip for her niece who was turning 15 instead of a large Quinceañera.
But when her boyfriend tried to alter her plans for the trip, the Original Poster (OP) felt torn between pleasing her boyfriend and giving her niece the best possible birthday present.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not taking my boyfriend’s daughter on my trip?”
The OP had a nice relationship with her boyfriend’s two daughters.
“I (28 Female) have been dating my boyfriend (35 Male) for about 2 years now, and he has 2 daughters from a previous marriage.”
“We took things slow, and it took a while for me to meet his kids since I was his first serious relationship after the divorce. Now I get along with them.”
Also, sidenote in case it’s important, we live in America.”
The OP also had an amazing relationship with her niece and had a big plan for her birthday.
“My oldest, and I will admit, favorite niece just turned 15. We are Hispanic, so this is a big deal for us (a girl becomes a woman at 15).”
“She is my sister’s daughter. She was from a teenage pregnancy, and she was raised in my house with my parents, my sister, and me.”
“I asked her what she wanted for her birthday and gave her several options: a trip around Europe, a really big party (Quinceañera in Hispanic culture), or if she had anything else in mind, to let me know.”
“She chose the trip and the countries she wanted to visit.”
“Since she is in school, we are planning the trip for the summer.”
“I will admit that I am not looking at prices. I make very decent money, and I wanted her to have the best birthday ever, so I looked into first-class tickets, and the nicest hotels, I started booking tours, and I offered for her to use my CC (credit card), so she can start buying herself outfits.”
When the OP told her boyfriend about it, he tried to change her plans.
“Now, I was talking to my boyfriend about the trip, and he asked me if I would be willing to take his oldest daughter. She is 12 and loves Italy.”
“I said no.”
“He said he wasn’t expecting me to pay for her, he would, but that she loves Italy, and that is one of the countries we are going to.”
” I said no, because this is my niece’s gift, and I want her to get all the attention.”
“Plus, my niece doesn’t really speak English, and his daughter speaks 0 Spanish, and I can’t travel with 2 minors.”
“He said I was being selfish and spoiling my niece, and he said he couldn’t believe I wouldn’t do that for his daughter.”
The OP felt torn between including her boyfriend’s daughter and treating her niece.
“I asked my niece about it, and she said she would understand but would rather if it was just us.”
“That was the end of it for me, and I said no.”
“My boyfriend has been really mad at me and is barely even talking to me, though he did say I still have time to change my mind.”
“Now IDK (I don’t know), my niece said she would be okay with it, but I feel bad.”
“AITA for not taking her with me?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said it was a gift for the OP’s niece, not something the daughter was purposely being excluded from.
“NTA. If it’s just a solo trip between you and your niece to celebrate her birthday, then no.”
“His daughter isn’t being left out. It’s a present for your niece, and you have EVERY right to not want to travel with two minors, especially when you aren’t technically the guardian to either.” – guessmyageidareyou
“What is your BF on about? You’re not doing anything to his daughter. You’re going on a trip with a relative.”
“The entitlement to think he can just add his daughter to your trip is enormous.”
“NTA.” – lotus_eater123
“LMAO (laughing my a** off), it’s ‘selfish’ of you not to take one of his daughters, so… I guess his other daughter is chopped liver? Annnnnd does the mother of this girl get a say?”
“NTA, and honestly, this boyfriend is doing you a favor by showing you who he really is. If you get married, he’ll want to add his 2 cents about every dime you spend that ISN’T on him or his offspring.”
“And, when you fight, he’ll give you the silent treatment until he gets his way. It’s not a shocker that he’s divorced.” – ladytypeperson
“NTA. That seems weird to me. You are taking Your niece on a trip for Her birthday. His daughter has no involvement in this.” – ServelanDarrow
“NTA as long as you don’t change the trip. Dump the boyfriend. You’re a good aunt.” – deqb
Others agreed and said the boyfriend was imposing on the OP’s efforts.
“NTA, your boyfriend is offloading his child onto your trip. He can be an adult and take both his children on holiday.” – whatsmypassword73
“NTA. Why is he forcing his daughter on you? And telling you that there is still time to change your mind is manipulative.” – Tunaversity
“NTA. What is it with people trying to piggyback on other people’s trips?”
“If your boyfriend really cared about his daughter, a trip like that could come for HER 15th birthday to make her feel special, but instead he’s trying to pawn off his parental responsibility on you.”
“Take your niece and have a blast, it’s nothing against his kid.” – Strigo1234
“NTA! My sister has a daughter and I’m child-free by choice. I’m spending my money on that child as if she was my own, because, in a way, she is. I totally understand your reasoning and why you want to do this for your niece’s quince.”
“Your ex (you misspelled that word in your post as a boyfriend, but that’s okay) wants to use you and hijack your special trip with your niece.”
“The fact that he’s deployed makes it even worse. If he has the money, he can just wait and take his own kids on a Euro trip.”
“You mention that he has TWO kids, yet he only wants you to take the oldest? You just wait; if you agree to take the oldest, he’ll start bullying you into taking the other kid as well.”
“Stand your ground OP; this is your hill to die on. Good luck and enjoy your trip with your niece!” – ProgrammerBig6254
“NTA. He’s more than welcome to take his daughter to Italy on his own time if he wants her to go so badly. Your boyfriend is emotionally manipulating you, sulking, giving the cold shoulder until you cave in.” – Melissacarranza
Some suggested maybe doing something for the daughter’s 16th birthday.
“NTA. This would be an awkward trip with your boyfriend’s daughter because she can’t fully communicate with your niece.”
“Maybe explain to your boyfriend how special 15th birthdays are in your culture.”
“Would you be willing to say that you would do the same thing for your boyfriend’s daughter when she is that age?”
“(I am not suggesting cultural appropriation type thing or that you should do it for her, more like are you okay with explaining to her the importance of turning 15 in your culture, and let her pick something special to do).” – Chelular07
“I think you should suggest to your boyfriend that for his daughter’s 16th birthday, the three of you can take a trip to Italy together, and you can have her help plan it, etc. That seems like a fair solution if it’s within your means.”
“But you’re definitely NTA for not taking her on this trip. This is special for your niece, not anyone else.” – lisiinwonderland
“She’s 12. She can go another year. She can go with her dad when he is able to take her. I don’t like his attitude toward you. NTA, but he is.” – Alive_Good_4138
“NTA. Your boyfriend says his daughter likes Italy. So he’s expecting you to cater her around to all the other countries in the meantime?”
“I don’t know how long you anticipate this trip being, but maybe explain to him that if his daughter specifically loves Italy, it would be better for him to do a separate trip to JUST ITALY so she can actually appreciate it versus hopping around.”
“Also, this is a gift, not a family vacation that you are excluding her from. Your boyfriend needs to get over himself and realize that his request is over the top.” – Taru-Shinkicker
“NTA. Strange request. The trip is nothing to do with his kid. He can do a trip for her when she turns 15/16. Or take BOTH his daughters to Italy?”
“12 is pretty young to send away for an extended period without a parent, too…” – Sel-Reddit
“NTA. Italy isn’t going anywhere. Your boyfriend can take his kid there when he’s ready. No need to try and hijack a trip you’re gifting to someone else.”
“This trip has absolutely nothing to do with him or his girls. His entitlement is astounding.” – KingsRansom79
The subReddit could understand the OP wanting to also take care of her boyfriend’s daughter and trying to bond with her, but they drew the line at compromising her niece’s birthday present.
If the OP was taking a trip just for a trip’s sake, then taking her future stepdaughter might make sense. But taking her on the trip that was meant to be a Quinceañera, the subReddit argued, would be a huge disservice to the OP’s niece.