Some people cut off their former partners after the relationship is over, and some maintain a friendship. But how that affects new romances can also vary.
On Reddit, throwawaybodyshaming was trying to navigate her two-year relationship with her boyfriend, even with his ex still being involved in his life. However, the ex's comments kept getting on the original poster (OP)'s nerves.
When she snapped, OP was left wondering if she took it too far. To figure it out, she asked for perspective from the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
The question asked was:
"AITA for 'bodyshaming' my boyfriend's ex?"
A lot of details were masked since her boyfriend is active on the forum:
"My (25F[emale]) boyfriend's (23M[ale]) ex (25F) loves criticizing my body."
"One of the things she can't get over is that he 'downgraded" from her to me, physically speaking. Which honestly I don't get, because while our faces and skin tones are totally different, we have a very similar build."
"The difference is I like to work out and she doesn't, so I look muscular."
"Still, she constantly attacks my body to anybody who will listen, and while it doesn't get to me, it's annoying to me and my mutual friends and acquaintances. She has almost become friendless due to this."
"As things started reopening and I moved houses, I found a new workout studio that I loved, and I started going there and have been for about 6 months. Guess who went there two days ago for a try out class?"
"Yes, the ex, along with a friend/cousin/idk. During the class she was struggling, and ended up passing out halfway the class. We helped her out and when we finished she was outside laying down."
"When her friend got out, they proceeded to openly criticize the place, and put ME as an example of not wanting to be built like a linebacker by doing this type of exercise."
"To which I snapped and told her to look herself in the mirror before criticizing me, and that in any case we were both built like linebackers but that her, unlike me, can't back it up with her fitness level."
"I added that she's a grown woman and that she's acting like a bratty child, and she should consider getting a hobby that took her time so she finds another productive thing to do besides criticizing me and being salty about a relationship that has been going strong for more than two years. She proceeded to cry and storm out of the place."
"I thought that was the end of it and my coach, friends and family were on my side saying she had it coming, but my boyfriend is beyond pissed saying I ruined his image of 'being the bigger person' and that I bodyshamed her, and should know better since I recovered from an ED. It's been two days and my boyfriend won't talk to me unless I apologize but I don't want to."
"I guess I'm just looking for validation? Idk, AITA?"
On the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit people explain their situation and their reaction and are judged based on what they do or in this case, are considering.
This is done by fellow users who include one of the following in their comment:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The commenters agreed that OP was not the AH in this situation, but couldn't understand why her BF was acting like this.
"I would say NTA. You've been putting up with her sh** for years and finally snapped. Maybe you didn't confront her in the best possible way, but you've been 'the bigger person' for years to someone who cant seem to get over the fact that her ex is, and has been, dating someone else."
"Let me tell you, I'm in a workout class that I also love, but its HARD. You cant fault her for passing out, but she seemed to put that fault on you, again attacking YOU for HER not being able to handle it. This time for being better at something than her, it sounds like."
"Long story short, I personally cant blame you for finally snapping. I would too. And no matter what anyone says, everyone has their breaking point. NTA"
"Ps, why hasnt your bf ever confronted her about her constantly talking sh** about you??" – kaetertot
"It's the same excuse always, that he is the bigger person and won't engage her because that's stooping to her level. And also, he says I'm a strong person and can take everything." - throwawaybodyshaming (OP)
"NTA. You didn't body shame her. Your bf is AH for letting her get away with saying such things about you and worrying about his image." - ImpressiveCollar5811
"Now that everyone is pointing it out, it has been like this since before we started dating. I waited months before going public in order to not hurt her feelings." - throwawaybodyshaming (OP)
"NTA. She likes dishing it out but can't take receiving. If you value your unsupportive strangely attached to his ex, wimp of a boyfriend then give her a passive aggressive faux apology and continue with your life."
"It's not over though. She's going to be even worse now." - No_Sail_3997
Others had questions about the ex-girlfriend and her relationship with OP's BF.
"NTA, but like why is she still in the picture? how are you able to know what she says about you prior of your class?
"If BF is in contact with her it's time to burn that bridge. if your friends are telling you this it may be time to tell them to no longer include you on the sh!t talking. let her be miserable in her own world." – geminibee
"We have a lot of mutual friends, that she drove away slowly from only talking about me and my bf. She also blasts me on social media an keeps creating new accounts to harass me. I keep blocking but she keeps popping up. :(" - throwawaybodyshaming (OP)
"Info: why is your boyfriends ex still in his life?" – anguspatrol
"Supposedly she is not? He is pissed just because he got out of the relationship as the 'good' one, and I'm damaging that image." - throwawaybodyshaming (OP)
"If you've been together for two years that sounds like bs no offense. Even if it's not if you're on a pedestal where you can't do anything because it'll change his 'image' of you that's still a problem."
"Hes known you for two years, he should already know what kind of person you are that this somehow destroying everything seems ridiculous." - Imaginary_Cow_6379
"Yeah, now that people are pointing it out I think it's more than obvious that something is going on :(" - throwawaybodyshaming (OP)
OP eventually updated on the situation in an edit to the original post:
"EDIT: I read all of your comments and I am seeing a lot of red flags in my relationship that I hadn't noticed before. It's hard because my boyfriend has the reputation of being liked by everyone and being a super good guy."
"I sent him a message saying that I want to talk to him tomorrow about the future of this relationship and his relationship with her, which was enough to make him go from the silent treatment he was giving me to panicking because I may leave."
"I also didn't apologize to the ex. I may have been an AH but honestly at the end of the day she had it coming in a way, and this is a direct consequence of my boyfriend not putting an end to this. It's his ex, not mine."
Maybe now OP's boyfriend will learn a lesson about supporting his girlfriend instead of his ex.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.