Financial privilege refers to the advantages someone has due to their personal or family wealth. This can include having unlimited access to money for unexpected expenses, or having job security or overall financial stability.
For someone who has spent their entire life in that form of privilege, understanding the needs and challenges for everyone else can be difficult.
A woman whose boyfriend grew up with and continues to enjoy financial privilege turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after an argument about her limited finances.
Remarkable_Cow2557 asked:
"AITA for being frustrated with my rich boyfriend for trying to give me money advice?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My boyfriend (24, male) and I (24, female) are moving in together in June. We have been together for 3.5 years."
"I have been in grad school for the past few years, have significant student loan debt and will not have any steady income until September after I graduate and start my job."
"I have some money in savings so am planning to use that to survive and pay rent the next few months. He was trying to be helpful and help me create a budget, but kept overstepping and making me feel stupid."
"I don't think this was his intention, but I felt very frustrated and I told him to back off as I felt he just couldn't understand."
"For context, he makes a ton of money, has a trust fund, a huge inheritance coming his way in a few years, and he receives from his parents yearly THREE TIMES the amount I am trying to survive on for the next 6 months. So financially we are on different planets."
"He said something along the lines of 'you're lucky I love you and am paying more for rent because it's not really equal'. He is paying 2:1 based on his income, family money and my debt, which we agreed on."
"I kind of lost it on him. I told him he has no idea what it's like and his advice means nothing to me because he comes at it with such a sense of privilege. Of course he took this the wrong way and stormed out and said not to talk to him."
"AITA for getting frustrated with him and bringing up our differences in finances?"
The OP later added:
"For context, my hard situation is that I am in graduate school and am getting paid via grants (very little amounts) it's confusing. He was trying to help me be less stressed and tbf had really good intentions."
"I felt like he wouldn't let me figure it out on my own despite me saying over and over I wanted to because frankly he was just making me more stressed. He has not and never has made any comments about what I spend my money on."
"I had also found out he had taken my post grad job salary and made a note of how I should budget it which I found insulting and overstepping."
"I am financially literate and have a lot in savings, I am good with money overall. I just have been in school now for 7 years for an advanced degree and at the moment am low on funds."
"Part of the situation is that his lease is over in June, so he needs a new place then. I do have a job lined up, but I will work in the schools, so I can't start until September."
"The money will be coming, it's just 6 months or so until I can get it."
"I am not POOR. I just am simply a student and have been a student for SEVEN years. So I don't have a ton of income or savings, but I live overall very frugally."
"I am wise with money. I am currently living with my parents and off my very little income coming from grants, I am still saving. I am just in a hard situation with grad school."
"I am by no means drowning or deeply struggling. He does not pay for anything for me besides date nights here and there (which I also pay for on occasion)."
"He was not telling me to spend less money on things I enjoy, but just trying to help me get a grasp on what I can spend monthly until I start my job in September. Which is important."
"He just kept butting in when I told him I would figure it out and eventually I snapped."
The OP summed up their situation.
"Being upset with him and bringing up our financial differences because he was just trying to help and be caring."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"'You're lucky' and 'it's not really equal' are not phrases I'd want to hear from my significant other (SO). He might want to help you, but he's got a hell of a way of saying and showing it."
"You're definitely NTA. I'd be concerned, for future reference, that when you ARE able to work, that your income still won't match his and it will continue to be an 'it's not equal' type of relationship and that will be an issue." ~ mrsroperscaftan
"Yeah, the holding his financial input/contributions over her head is gross and manipulative." ~ witchofwestthird
"I'm going to reply right here because I think you are absolutely right. NTA, OP."
"So the two of them need to sit down with a money manager and get on some sort of equal footing because financial issues are often times the reasons for break ups and divorces."
"He can't help being rich, but he needs to have a little bit more common sense than to hold it over her head—which he is doing."
"I don't think the income is the issue. It is about power."
"The one with the money does by default hold all the power unless they stay vigilant."
"He needs to hear how to discuss things and she needs to say something bland like, 'Thanks for the suggestion' even if she's going to ignore it."
"But they need to get the plan for their combined household finances on the table right now with an expert who knows how to defuse things." ~ Square-Swan2800
"I can only imagine how many times that comment is going to be thrown in her face when he's frustrated. OP pump the brakes on the moving in."
"He's already characterizing you as a burden and a mooch. He will continue to weaponize his financial position over you. That will only get worse. NTA." ~ TieNervous9815
"NTA. Yeah, I wouldn't be trying to link up with someone who is talking to me like this now. Because the later is not going to be good either."
"So 3 and a 1/2 years in, he already feels comfortable enough to insult you. Based on his privilege, I'd be pumping my brakes and then putting on a full stop."
"Anyway, you got with him so young. Go out and explore, see what else is out there?"
"Because him having money, he's not even being nice about it now. So later, he'll be super horrible." ~ IceSensitive4563
"NTA. I come from privilege, not trust fund privilege, but my rock bottom will always be a bed of privilege, which is incredibly privileged."
"With my partners I've lived with, I have said they can pay what is equitable or what they were paying prior. If they want to do things to improve their life like classes or hobbies, they can take it out of the rent money and pay less."
"If a breakup occurs, I let them pay no rent for the month (or two) until they find a place. I also am very clear, if I ever hold finances over their head, they get to pull a knife on me."
"A lot of people don't understand a financial disparity in a relationship and what that power dynamic can become. Be careful with anyone who tells you that you should be grateful."
"Especially when it's not something they worked for. He got lucky, he should feel happy to make your life a little lighter by sharing what was shared with him."
"It is by no merit of his own that he has abundance. To be honest, this guy might fall onto my 'eat the rich' list with his behaviour." ~ Noble_Hieronymous
"Hearing him say 'You're lucky I love you and am paying more rent' would definitely make me put the brakes on moving in with him. So what is he saying?"
"If he gets upset at OP for not making breakfast, he might withhold money for utilities or something? Saying something like that feels like a threat.
"'Keep me sweet or you won't have a place to live'. I'd take a massive step back, and feel, I dunno, like the rug had been pulled from under me." ~ Ich_bin_keine_Banane
The OP provided an update:
"I also have had a conversation with him and he has apologized for the 'you're lucky' comment."
"He realizes that even the amount we are splitting isn't equitable and says he didn't mean it that way."
It sounds like things ended amicably for the OP and her boyfriend.
Since they have a few months left before they move in together, there's plenty of time to have calmer discussions about their soon to be combined household finances.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.