Financial privilege refers to the advantages someone has due to their personal or family wealth. This can include having unlimited access to money for unexpected expenses, or having job security or overall financial stability.
For someone who has spent their entire life in that form of privilege, understanding the needs and challenges for everyone else can be difficult.
A woman whose boyfriend grew up with and continues to enjoy financial privilege turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after an argument about her limited finances.
Remarkable_Cow2557 asked:
“AITA for being frustrated with my rich boyfriend for trying to give me money advice?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My boyfriend (24, male) and I (24, female) are moving in together in June. We have been together for 3.5 years.”
“I have been in grad school for the past few years, have significant student loan debt and will not have any steady income until September after I graduate and start my job.”
“I have some money in savings so am planning to use that to survive and pay rent the next few months. He was trying to be helpful and help me create a budget, but kept overstepping and making me feel stupid.”
“I don’t think this was his intention, but I felt very frustrated and I told him to back off as I felt he just couldn’t understand.”
“For context, he makes a ton of money, has a trust fund, a huge inheritance coming his way in a few years, and he receives from his parents yearly THREE TIMES the amount I am trying to survive on for the next 6 months. So financially we are on different planets.”
“He said something along the lines of ‘you’re lucky I love you and am paying more for rent because it’s not really equal’. He is paying 2:1 based on his income, family money and my debt, which we agreed on.”
“I kind of lost it on him. I told him he has no idea what it’s like and his advice means nothing to me because he comes at it with such a sense of privilege. Of course he took this the wrong way and stormed out and said not to talk to him.”
“AITA for getting frustrated with him and bringing up our differences in finances?”
The OP later added:
“For context, my hard situation is that I am in graduate school and am getting paid via grants (very little amounts) it’s confusing. He was trying to help me be less stressed and tbf had really good intentions.”
“I felt like he wouldn’t let me figure it out on my own despite me saying over and over I wanted to because frankly he was just making me more stressed. He has not and never has made any comments about what I spend my money on.”
“I had also found out he had taken my post grad job salary and made a note of how I should budget it which I found insulting and overstepping.”
“I am financially literate and have a lot in savings, I am good with money overall. I just have been in school now for 7 years for an advanced degree and at the moment am low on funds.”
“Part of the situation is that his lease is over in June, so he needs a new place then. I do have a job lined up, but I will work in the schools, so I can’t start until September.”
“The money will be coming, it’s just 6 months or so until I can get it.”
“I am not POOR. I just am simply a student and have been a student for SEVEN years. So I don’t have a ton of income or savings, but I live overall very frugally.”
“I am wise with money. I am currently living with my parents and off my very little income coming from grants, I am still saving. I am just in a hard situation with grad school.”
“I am by no means drowning or deeply struggling. He does not pay for anything for me besides date nights here and there (which I also pay for on occasion).”
“He was not telling me to spend less money on things I enjoy, but just trying to help me get a grasp on what I can spend monthly until I start my job in September. Which is important.”
“He just kept butting in when I told him I would figure it out and eventually I snapped.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“Being upset with him and bringing up our financial differences because he was just trying to help and be caring.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“‘You’re lucky’ and ‘it’s not really equal’ are not phrases I’d want to hear from my significant other (SO). He might want to help you, but he’s got a hell of a way of saying and showing it.”
“You’re definitely NTA. I’d be concerned, for future reference, that when you ARE able to work, that your income still won’t match his and it will continue to be an ‘it’s not equal’ type of relationship and that will be an issue.” ~ mrsroperscaftan
“Yeah, the holding his financial input/contributions over her head is gross and manipulative.” ~ witchofwestthird
“I’m going to reply right here because I think you are absolutely right. NTA, OP.”
“So the two of them need to sit down with a money manager and get on some sort of equal footing because financial issues are often times the reasons for break ups and divorces.”
“He can’t help being rich, but he needs to have a little bit more common sense than to hold it over her head—which he is doing.”
“I don’t think the income is the issue. It is about power.”
“The one with the money does by default hold all the power unless they stay vigilant.”
“He needs to hear how to discuss things and she needs to say something bland like, ‘Thanks for the suggestion’ even if she’s going to ignore it.”
“But they need to get the plan for their combined household finances on the table right now with an expert who knows how to defuse things.” ~ Square-Swan2800
“I can only imagine how many times that comment is going to be thrown in her face when he’s frustrated. OP pump the brakes on the moving in.”
“He’s already characterizing you as a burden and a mooch. He will continue to weaponize his financial position over you. That will only get worse. NTA.” ~ TieNervous9815
“NTA. Yeah, I wouldn’t be trying to link up with someone who is talking to me like this now. Because the later is not going to be good either.”
“So 3 and a 1/2 years in, he already feels comfortable enough to insult you. Based on his privilege, I’d be pumping my brakes and then putting on a full stop.”
“Anyway, you got with him so young. Go out and explore, see what else is out there?”
“Because him having money, he’s not even being nice about it now. So later, he’ll be super horrible.” ~ IceSensitive4563
“NTA. I come from privilege, not trust fund privilege, but my rock bottom will always be a bed of privilege, which is incredibly privileged.”
“With my partners I’ve lived with, I have said they can pay what is equitable or what they were paying prior. If they want to do things to improve their life like classes or hobbies, they can take it out of the rent money and pay less.”
“If a breakup occurs, I let them pay no rent for the month (or two) until they find a place. I also am very clear, if I ever hold finances over their head, they get to pull a knife on me.”
“A lot of people don’t understand a financial disparity in a relationship and what that power dynamic can become. Be careful with anyone who tells you that you should be grateful.”
“Especially when it’s not something they worked for. He got lucky, he should feel happy to make your life a little lighter by sharing what was shared with him.”
“It is by no merit of his own that he has abundance. To be honest, this guy might fall onto my ‘eat the rich’ list with his behaviour.” ~ Noble_Hieronymous
“Hearing him say ‘You’re lucky I love you and am paying more rent’ would definitely make me put the brakes on moving in with him. So what is he saying?”
“If he gets upset at OP for not making breakfast, he might withhold money for utilities or something? Saying something like that feels like a threat.
“‘Keep me sweet or you won’t have a place to live’. I’d take a massive step back, and feel, I dunno, like the rug had been pulled from under me.” ~ Ich_bin_keine_Banane
The OP provided an update:
“I also have had a conversation with him and he has apologized for the ‘you’re lucky’ comment.”
“He realizes that even the amount we are splitting isn’t equitable and says he didn’t mean it that way.”
It sounds like things ended amicably for the OP and her boyfriend.
Since they have a few months left before they move in together, there’s plenty of time to have calmer discussions about their soon to be combined household finances.