There are significantly different expectations of a guest in someone's home compared to a roommate.
Guests are being hosted in someone's home and, as such, aren't expected to do chores or make any financial contributions to the household.
Roommates, on the other hand, are full-time residents of a home, and thus are expected to contribute to its maintenance and upkeep, including financially.
It's for these reasons that it's always a good idea to make it's always clear whether someone is a guest or a roommate, as they are two distinct lines that can be easily blurred.
The wife of Redditor N_dubz_sweeb who had a friend had fallen on hard times.
As a result, the original poster (OP) and his wife opened their home to her until she could get back on her feet.
However, when this friend's stay in their home continued to extend, the OP felt that changes needed to be made.
Having some doubts about how they handled things, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for kicking my homeless friend out of my house?"
The OP explained why he lost his patience with his friend's wife, who had been staying in their house:
{I (32 M[ale]) live with my wife (29 F[emale]) somewhere in France."
"Earlier this year one of her close friends (30 F[emale]) got dumped by her boyfriend and he kicked her out."
"She couldn't go to her mom because she lives with her grandma and she said it was too stressful, but it could have still be an option, they live like 6 hours away by car from us."
"My wife is very kind and invited her to stay with us during our wedding prep."
"She slept in our room for 3 weeks and the night of our wedding."
"It was supposed to be temporary, just until she figure things out."
"Now it's been 5 months."
"She never said when she plan to leave."
"I kept asking her to look for a job, but every time it looked like she was gonna start, she went on vacation instead."
"We helped her update her résumé and even sent her profile to a few companies."
"If we hadn't done it for her, she would've lost her benefits completely."
"She sent a total of 1 resume on her own in the last 10 month."
"She lives in our living room, which is half of our flat."
"She keeps the shutters closed all day until she wake up (12 or even 4PM) so we have no natural light."
"My wife and I both work from home, we do meetings from the kitchen on a stool because we don't want to wake her up."
"She almost never does dishes or clean, and when she does, it's half done."
"I told her many times I don't feel comfortable entering the living room while she sleeps, but nothing change."
"Few months ago I finally asked 'when are you leaving?'"
"She looked confused like 'leaving what?'"
"I said 'the apartment'."
"She said initially she was planning for September (she never said a word about that) now maybe October."
"I was so relieved because that talk was hard for me."
"Then mid-September she left for few weeks without telling us, leaving all her stuff."
"She texted the morning that she was coming back that day."
"I asked 'ok but then you leave right after?'"
"She said 'what do you mean leave?'"
"I reminded her of our talk, she said she didn't remember, then said she said 'if I don't find a job I'll see what I can do during October'."
"She didn't say that."
"We talked again recently."
"I told her she uses ambiguity to her advantage and that her silence is driving me crazy."
"She cried a lot but I still talked I tried to emphasize our feelings over hers during the conversation."
"I made her acknowledge and tell me what she understood of the conversation, felt like she understood."
"Fast forward to today, she still didn't give me a date."
"She just said 'I think I leave next week and take my stuff in November'."
"This time I said 'no, you give me a date, and after that you're not living here'."
"She said 'I don't know', which pissed me off and I told her that after the 1st of November she won't be living here."
"She said okay but later told my wife she was leaving 'around November'."
"Now I feel trapped in my own home and tired of this situation."
"I know we could have be more firm with her by establishing rules when she moved in but AITA for kicking my homeless friend out of my house?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for kicking their wife's friend out of their house.
Everyone agreed that the OP's friend had more than outstayed her welcome, and if she could afford to go on vacations, then she could either afford to pay rent or find a place of her own, with many curious as to why the OP's wife wasn't more vocal with her friend:
"NTA."
"If she can afford a vacation she can afford an apartment."
"Stop being doormats and give her a date she has to leave by, no 'when will you be ready', it's 'you need to leave by 31 October, if you're not gone I'm donating everything of yours to charity shop and changing locks'."- Urbanyeti0
"NTA."
"But I think it's high time your wife start dealing with her friend herself instead, kick her out asap though."- aadilsud
"NTA."
"How can she afford vacations after a year of not working?"
"Make sure to follow local eviction procedures, last thing you need is to lose a court case against her for your own home."- Latranis
"NTA."
"What's your wife doing during all this?"
"As you said it's Her friend."
"Your wife needs to have the best interests of both of you at heart."- gordiesgoodies
"NTA."
"You are being too kind."
"If you don't kick her out now she will be living with you forever."
"Say November 1st is the last day, no more discussion."
"You need to get your wife on board this too."
"Also is she sleeping in the same room as you at night or did I read that wrong?"-Agreeable_Form_9618
"NTA, I am all for helping a friend, and letting them stay at my bf and I place it they need it, but there's a line."
"I find it very strange that she has no job, but has enough money to go on vacations?"
"But she has no money to find an apartment, or motivation to find a job?"
"Give people the hand and they take the whole arm."- Dependent-Panda-2424
"Absolutely NTA."
"You have been more than accommodating - literally - now YOU need to give HER a date."
"2 weeks notice or the end of October."
"She leaves AND takes her stuff."
"Anything left in your place after that gets taken to a charity shop."
"Be firm for your own sanity."- Helena_Handcart1
"NTA."
"She isn't planning to leave by her own volition anytime soon."-SoulSiren_22
"NTA, where you might be TA is letting it drag on so long, inconveniencing others like your wife in the process."
"You should have set clear boundaries from the start."
"No sleeping in because we need the living room during the day for work, be up by 07:00 and have the area cleaned."
"Like everyone says, set a firm date and stick to it."
"If possible, contact her mother to come and help remove her stuff so she can move in with them."
"You babied her too much by being so lenient, doing here resume, applying for jobs on her behalf, washing up after her, letting her sleep in and essentially letting her set the house rules."
"You made it so comfortable that she doesn't want to leave, stop doing that and put your foot down."- AbleOperation6283
"NTA."
"It's definitely time."
"Just do it."- DogsReadingBooks
"NTA."
"Please speak with your wife and come up with a plan together."
"You need to be united in this, otherwise her friend will play the 'but she said it's okay' card and continue to stay with you."- CheezwizOfficial
"NTA!"
"You need to get your place back!"
"Where is your wife in this?"
"She needs to support your needs at this point, it's long overdue."
"I would tell the friend every fugging day that she needs to leave like yesterday."
"I know it's hard, or it was hard in the beginning but tbh by now I would have so much resentment which probably would make me overcome the uncomfortable conversation."
"And I would be have a serious talk with your wife about how your needs need to be put first now that the friend has overstayed her welcome by far."- emadelosa
The OP and his wife provided a charitable service for the OP's friend.
A service that this friend subsequently took serious advantage of.
If she wants to remain friends with the OP and his wife, then it will be in her best interest to start her life back up again, out of the OP's house.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.