The holidays are a wonderful time of the year for many.
They can also be super stressful.
And making travel arrangements for the holidays can make anyone gulp down spiced eggnog at warp speed.
Not all of the family is going to be satisfied.
So what can one do?
Redditor Rare-Notice3487 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for 'canceling' the holidays?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (28 F[emale]) and my husband (29 M[ale]) are expecting our second baby."
"I'm due in mid-December, and the baby literally could come anytime between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
"In the past, we have traveled to his extended family (about 1.5 hours) for Thanksgiving and spent the weekend, and for Christmas, we spend 3-5 days before with my family (2.5 hours away), come home Christmas Eve, and then spend Christmas Day afternoon/a few days after with his immediate family, who are nearby. "
"Because of the timing, my husband asked me what I wanted to do, and I said we could probably attend a Thanksgiving gathering, but I want to stay local."
"For Christmas, I said I don't want to make any plans, but we decided that if in the moment, we feel up to going somewhere, or if my toddler and husband want to go, or we want to have guests, then we can, but we don't want to commit or make any promises."
"We gave everyone a heads up that we won't be traveling for the holidays, and everyone was initially fine with it; however, as people are making holiday plans, there has been pushback from both sides."
"My family is upset that they don't get to see our toddler, and have said that we are 'canceling' the holidays at her expense."
"Most recently, my in-laws said they wanted to have Christmas Day at our house so everyone could meet the new baby and so we wouldn't be excluded."
"My husband firmly said no and shut the conversation down, but now they are annoyed at us, too."
"Many family members also think that we are being unreasonable, especially since my husband and toddler are not planning on going to gatherings."
"They said they understand me not wanting to go, but that my husband still should be able to."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. But both y'all's families sure are."
"Keep firm on this, and just don't go anywhere at all."
"Enjoy the time with your new little and tell the family they can come around AFTER the new year since they decided to be such entitled AHs about it." ~ SheWhoIsNot
"Your families are seriously complaining that you want to keep the month around your due date open??? NTA." ~ clairejv
"Not to mention they are ok with leaving her alone by herself, ready to pop or by herself with an infant so that they can have their time with the toddler and hubby."
"Bruh, what an inconsiderate AH family."
"They should sincerely be more understanding here that one holiday away doesn't mean the end of the world."
"They could even celebrate early for f**ks sake."
"That way, everyone would be included."
"Now I'm sure they're going to make her out to be the villain."
"Oh, let's blame the pregnant lady who literally can't control when an 8 lb tiny human being will pop out of her."
"Sorry, OP."
"I'm infuriated for you and the fact that they are ok with you being alone."
"Good for hubby on shutting that s**t down." ~ Select-Promotion-404
"I think it's time for OP and her husband to create their own family holiday traditions."
"Dragging themselves and their children all over the place for multiple holidays makes for stressful times and not great memories, especially with extended family clamoring for 'their turn' and 'their time,' as if they are entitled to demand that nuclear families give up the idea of starting their own traditions and perhaps quieter, more enjoyable times."
"OP: Do not give in on this."
"Your families are selfish and thoughtless."
"Expecting your husband to take your toddler and leave you alone, either ready to pop or with a newborn, is absurd."
"Demanding that you travel for any holiday this year, during the cold, flu, etc. season, without a care for your health and the health and well-being of your children is just."
"I doubt I'm allowed to say what I think about that here."
"Make sure you and your husband stand strong against the pressure from extended family and always remember that the two of you and your children are your primary, nuclear family and matter more than anyone else."
"I'm not saying don't ever visit family over the holidays, of course, but I urge you to limit those times and free yourself and your children from the expectation that you must travel here, there, and everywhere in order to please everyone else."
"Believe me, your children will thank you for it and you'll likely find it very rewarding too." ~ Wackadoodle-do
"NTA. My kids were all due around Thanksgiving (1 before and 2 after), and to anyone who pressured me, I said, 'I will not make any plans or commitments, and if I happen to be home, I will order pizza.'"
"Make no plans."
"Commit to nothing."
"I was pressured as well."
"Don't give in — you get to make this entirely about you and your comfort, and everyone else can suck it." ~ Pearlr2
"NTA. Your families are being ridiculous."
"It's also peak cold/flu/covid season… isolating for a bit before baby actually arrives isn't a bad way to do it."
"And no way would I be hosting a holiday at my home with the entire family with a newborn."
"We had an end-of-October baby last year (supposed to be early November) and we just told everyone we were doing our own stuff for Thanksgiving and Christmas."
"It was quiet and peaceful, and everyone stayed healthy despite the older kids being school-aged." ~ ellanida
"100% on this, I work in healthcare, and Thanksgiving is the holiday that kicks off flu season, and then it's all downhill from there, each holiday more people spread it around until everyone is sick."
"For myself, that doesn't stop me from going as long as I'm not sick, but I'm also due soon after the holidays, and this year we aren't traveling for them either."
"Also, you may not want to be that far from home if you go into labor, then you either have to drive home to the hospital you plan to deliver at or deliver at an unknown hospital." ~ Complex_Chipmunk_194
"NTA and anyone who thinks it's remotely reasonable for an extremely pregnant person or a family with a newborn to host a gathering is absolutely out of their minds."
"Your toddler really won't care, and the idea of 'cancelling the holidays' at your toddler's expense? WTF?"
"I had a baby right before Christmas, and we didn't see anyone for a couple of months!"
"We didn't want any sickness!"
'Which failed because our toddler went back to preschool and brought a cold home, and it was absolutely miserable."
"Don't risk it." ~ esmerelofchaos
"NTA - Everyone does not need to meet an infant."
"The risks of flu, R[espiratory] S[yncytial] V[irus], etc, are too high."
"Plus, are they all going to get vaccinated for whooping cough?"
"Expecting you to do that at your house 2-4 weeks postpartum is ridiculous."
"Just say no." ~ whatev6187
"NTA. What kind of supervillain suggests you host Christmas while recovering from birthing a whole human so everyone can spread their RSV and other assorted germs all over your unvaccinated, no-immune-system-having newborn?"
"I'm so glad your husband shut that absolute garbage take down."
"As far as depriving your toddler of holiday memories, um, your toddler will absolutely not remember missing out this year. "
"Also, this would be a great time to start thinking about creating your own holiday traditions."
"You have your own family now, and your traditions should start to be more focused on them." ~ ambersloves
"NTA. You and your husband and children should be together for the holidays, and with a newborn should be under no pressure to host guests or travel anywhere."
"You will be in recovery and bonding, and family should know better." ~ moonlightloop31
"Exactly this."
"OP has no idea when exactly the baby will be born, how the birth will go, and how they'll be feeling from one hour to the next in the first few weeks."
"Seriously, this is what Zoom and FaceTime were invented for."
"Toddler and Daddy can call grandparents during the family gathering and show them everything Santa brought, or even open some gifts on camera."
"If Mommy and Baby are up to it, they can make an appearance, too." ~ mColdandImTired
"NTA. My first was due on 6th December."
"She was born on the 22nd December and we only came out of the hospital on Christmas Eve (c-section)."
"Babies have their own plans, and you have no idea what is going to happen."
"I think your plan is an excellent one and exactly appropriate for the situation."
"Other people being butt-hurt over it is not your problem."
"You also don't want a toddler bringing germs back into the house, because we all know toddlers are disgusting germ bags."
"Hold firm and put yourself and baby first; healing and bonding time is irreplaceable, there will be more family time." ~ CAPalmer1
"NTA. You won't be in any shape to travel then."
"And if you have your baby, then you have even more on your hands to deal with, and it's great that your husband would rather be there with you and your baby than ducking off with your toddler to go to Christmas parties with his family."
"Both of your families are being unreasonable and selfish to even question your plans." ~ Skankyho1
Reddit is with you, OP.
You are prioritizing your own and your family's wellness.
The rest of the family will just have to get over it.
You do what is best for you.
Congratulations and good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp