Every parent has different methods of parenting.
With this in mind, it’s very easy for other parents to judge or look down on parenting methods different from their own.
When parents leave their children in the care of others, however, they usually expect their personal rules and regulations to be followed and enforced.
A recent Redditor felt very lucky to have her in-laws provide frequent, free childcare.
The arrangement proved to be a happy one for the original poster (OP), her in-laws, and her toddler.
However, the OP was furious to discover that her in-laws had been breaking her one cardinal rule of childcare, and did not keep her displeasure hidden.
Wondering if she was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for setting a limit on screen time for my toddler when she is at my in laws?”
The OP explained why she found herself forced to confront her in-laws:
“I (28 F[emale]) and my husband (29 M[ale]) have a toddler (1.5 F).”
“My husband works full time and I work 2 days a week and have summers off.”
“During the majority of the days that I work, my in laws watch our daughter for free.”
“In general, my in laws love their days with our daughter and I want to keep it that way, so we let them do basically whatever they want with her.”
“There are quite a few things that get shut down immediately in our house that they allow in theirs (mostly just rude behavior like hitting, screaming and temper tantrums) bc they ‘don’t like to say no’ but I let it go and don’t say anything bc I feel like it’s not my place, and also, at the end of the day, it’s not significantly affecting her behavior outside of their house.”
“If they ask for my opinion/advice, I give it, and if not, I don’t bc nobody likes unsolicited advice and like I said, they are doing us a huge service by babysitting.”
“Yesterday, I went over to their house with my daughter and noticed that she was running over to their TV and kept requesting it.”
“My FIL went to turn it on and I asked him to please not.”
“That’s when I found out that they have been allowing her to watch TV (and a significant amount too, my FIL said they watched a whole Pixar film), which is something I’m adamantly against (we don’t do screens of any kind with the exception of 10 minutes tops of supervised FaceTime a few times a week with my parents, who live 2 hours away).”
“I didn’t really say anything about the TV in the moment, but later talked to my husband about it.”
“We decided that we are not comfortable with more than 10-15 minutes of TV or any screen per day for her when she is at their house.”
“He spoke to his parents and they said they understood.”
“However, when I was telling this to my mom (who did not think this was unreasonable), my dad said I am an a**hole bc I shouldn’t be telling my in laws how to watch our daughter.”
“I’ve been asking around and a surprising amount of people have said that I shouldn’t have had my husband say anything.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, who largely agreed that she was, indeed, the a**hole for the way she treated her in-laws.
Everyone agreed that since the OP’s in-laws were providing regular, free childcare, then they had the right to do whatever they wanted with her daughter… as long as she was safe and happy. Many others were surprised and concerned by the fact that the OP was more upset about her daughter watching TV than she was about her violent outbursts:
“Oh, the horror, she watched a children’s movie with her grandparents.”
“Of all the things that could be done your complaining about her watching a movie a child’s movie.”
“I’d be more worried about the behavior issues.”
“You also have to remember that they don’t have the energy they used to, and a one-and-a-half-year-old has tons of energy.”
“They may be doing it because they can’t keep up and they need a break.”
“If you don’t like it, you can always pay the outrageous daycare fees.”
“YTA.”- AvailableBuilder4817
“She’s 1.5 and hitting and screaming and having temper tantrums?”
“But you’re worried about screens?”
“YTA.”
“Also- free childcare means you get what you pay for.”- MisunderstoodPeg
“YTA.”
“First, it’s mind-blowing that hitting is okay at grandma’s, but TV is where you draw the line, really.”
“Secondly, I guess you make any rule you want but better start saving money up because babysitters are jot cheap, and if I were grandma and grandpa, I would be saying it’s time for the free babysitting to stop.”- Material-Solution748
“YTA.”
“Not for setting a screen limit, but for using people as free babysitters and telling them what they can do in their own home.”
“If they want their TV on, they can.”
“Remove your child from the situation and pay for childcare if you want to dictate terms.”
“Sad to see you will bend the rules for violence and aggression.”
“I’d be trying to stop that first.”- Naige2020
“YTA.”
“Free child care is not free.”
“Get it together with some paid child care where you can call the shots.”
“Don’t let family watch your kid.”
“They’ll do whatever they want.”
“Your kid is the one who will suffer ultimately.”- pixyfire
“YTA.”
“If you want them to put in more effort to raise your kid, you need to pay them, or just take you kid to a daycare.”- Heavy_Shelter902
“In general, I would say NTA for wanting a limit on screen time and for having some rules you ask people to follow when they’re watching your kids.”
“But I think the hitting and screaming being allowed seems WAY worse than watching a movie sometimes.”
“YTA.”- Thin-Memory8561
“YTA.”
“You are being unreasonable as to what is and isn’t allowed when someone else is watching your kid for free.”
“2 hours of screen time a day is not going to harm your child.”
“There’s also a massive difference between a kid having their own iPad where they’re in their own world with it and if the TV is on where they are watching something together with the whole room.”- Meowth_the_kitten
“YTA.”
“You’re well-meaning in your rules, but expecting grandparents who are babysitting for free to keep your baby entertained constantly is a big ask.”
“A paid babysitter may be a better option for you.”- yeahipostedthat
“YTA.”
“Because the hitting is more problematic and you let that slide.”- ElleArr26
“YTA.”
“They are providing free childcare.”
“FIL watching a movie WITH the kids is likely a memory they will remember.”
“It’s not like they are having the kids watch Days of our Lives.”- Dramatic-Jello1053
“I am in between ESH and YTA here.”
“Your rules for your kid are obviously the most important thing.”
“But when you have someone else watching your kids, you do also have to factor in the sacrifice they make when they follow your rules.”
“You may be able to entertain your kids more than their grandparents are so your rule for screen time fits your lifestyle while it may not fit theirs.”
“Ultimately, you can tell them these are your rules, and if they won’t follow them, they can’t keep your kid, and then you deal with the consequences of the boundary you set for them.”- keesouth
There were, however, a select few who did side with the OP, feeling her displeasure with breaking one of her rules was valid:
“Based on comments I’m seeing it looks like I’m going against the grain, but I’d say NTA to try and limit screen time.”
“Child specialists recommend zero screen time before the age of 2.”
“It is definitely best if you’re able to avoid it.”
“In situations where it’s unavoidable, they recommend at least trying to keep it interactive and engage them about what they’re watching (not letting them become zombies watching).”
“When kids do start watching, the recommendation is under 1 hour.”
“Personally, I would be more focused on what the content is.”
“Certain shows are more harmful than others (ex., CoComelon is the worst!).”
“Some things to look out for: go for shows with natural colours you would see in real life (not super bright unrealistic colours), more slow paced with cuts lasting at least 5-7 seconds, nothing floating around/ added graphics and animation, characters modeling good behavior.”
“Overall you don’t want it to be too stimulating.”
“There are many amazing shows to choose from that follow that general guide (can provide a list of my favs if you want!).”
“If you are trying to be flexible, I would personally extend the timeline to maybe max 45-60 min with a list of safe shows that they can choose from that aren’t overstimulating, with the recommendation to avoid TV completely when they feel like they can.”
“There is so much time to watch all the Pixar and Disney movies imaginable, it doesn’t have to be at 1.5 years.”- NefariousnessIll2135
It’s not unusual for parents to want to keep their children away from screens.
It’s much less common for parents not to be terribly concerned about their child hitting and screaming at people.
It seems safe to assume that letting the OP’s toddler watch a movie will stop her from doing just that to her grandparents…