Every parent has different methods of parenting.
With this in mind, it's very easy for other parents to judge or look down on parenting methods different from their own.
When parents leave their children in the care of others, however, they usually expect their personal rules and regulations to be followed and enforced.
A recent Redditor felt very lucky to have her in-laws provide frequent, free childcare.
The arrangement proved to be a happy one for the original poster (OP), her in-laws, and her toddler.
However, the OP was furious to discover that her in-laws had been breaking her one cardinal rule of childcare, and did not keep her displeasure hidden.
Wondering if she was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for setting a limit on screen time for my toddler when she is at my in laws?"
The OP explained why she found herself forced to confront her in-laws:
"I (28 F[emale]) and my husband (29 M[ale]) have a toddler (1.5 F)."
"My husband works full time and I work 2 days a week and have summers off."
"During the majority of the days that I work, my in laws watch our daughter for free."
"In general, my in laws love their days with our daughter and I want to keep it that way, so we let them do basically whatever they want with her."
"There are quite a few things that get shut down immediately in our house that they allow in theirs (mostly just rude behavior like hitting, screaming and temper tantrums) bc they 'don't like to say no' but I let it go and don't say anything bc I feel like it's not my place, and also, at the end of the day, it's not significantly affecting her behavior outside of their house."
"If they ask for my opinion/advice, I give it, and if not, I don't bc nobody likes unsolicited advice and like I said, they are doing us a huge service by babysitting."
"Yesterday, I went over to their house with my daughter and noticed that she was running over to their TV and kept requesting it."
"My FIL went to turn it on and I asked him to please not."
"That's when I found out that they have been allowing her to watch TV (and a significant amount too, my FIL said they watched a whole Pixar film), which is something I'm adamantly against (we don't do screens of any kind with the exception of 10 minutes tops of supervised FaceTime a few times a week with my parents, who live 2 hours away)."
"I didn't really say anything about the TV in the moment, but later talked to my husband about it."
"We decided that we are not comfortable with more than 10-15 minutes of TV or any screen per day for her when she is at their house."
"He spoke to his parents and they said they understood."
"However, when I was telling this to my mom (who did not think this was unreasonable), my dad said I am an a**hole bc I shouldn't be telling my in laws how to watch our daughter."
"I've been asking around and a surprising amount of people have said that I shouldn't have had my husband say anything."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, who largely agreed that she was, indeed, the a**hole for the way she treated her in-laws.
Everyone agreed that since the OP's in-laws were providing regular, free childcare, then they had the right to do whatever they wanted with her daughter... as long as she was safe and happy. Many others were surprised and concerned by the fact that the OP was more upset about her daughter watching TV than she was about her violent outbursts:
"Oh, the horror, she watched a children's movie with her grandparents."
"Of all the things that could be done your complaining about her watching a movie a child's movie."
"I'd be more worried about the behavior issues."
"You also have to remember that they don't have the energy they used to, and a one-and-a-half-year-old has tons of energy."
"They may be doing it because they can't keep up and they need a break."
"If you don't like it, you can always pay the outrageous daycare fees."
"YTA."- AvailableBuilder4817
"She's 1.5 and hitting and screaming and having temper tantrums?"
"But you're worried about screens?"
"YTA."
"Also- free childcare means you get what you pay for."- MisunderstoodPeg
"YTA."
"First, it's mind-blowing that hitting is okay at grandma's, but TV is where you draw the line, really."
"Secondly, I guess you make any rule you want but better start saving money up because babysitters are jot cheap, and if I were grandma and grandpa, I would be saying it's time for the free babysitting to stop."- Material-Solution748
"YTA."
"Not for setting a screen limit, but for using people as free babysitters and telling them what they can do in their own home."
"If they want their TV on, they can."
"Remove your child from the situation and pay for childcare if you want to dictate terms."
"Sad to see you will bend the rules for violence and aggression."
"I'd be trying to stop that first."- Naige2020
"YTA."
"Free child care is not free."
"Get it together with some paid child care where you can call the shots."
"Don't let family watch your kid."
"They'll do whatever they want."
"Your kid is the one who will suffer ultimately."- pixyfire
"YTA."
"If you want them to put in more effort to raise your kid, you need to pay them, or just take you kid to a daycare."- Heavy_Shelter902
"In general, I would say NTA for wanting a limit on screen time and for having some rules you ask people to follow when they're watching your kids."
"But I think the hitting and screaming being allowed seems WAY worse than watching a movie sometimes."
"YTA."- Thin-Memory8561
"YTA."
"You are being unreasonable as to what is and isn't allowed when someone else is watching your kid for free."
"2 hours of screen time a day is not going to harm your child."
"There's also a massive difference between a kid having their own iPad where they're in their own world with it and if the TV is on where they are watching something together with the whole room."- Meowth_the_kitten
"YTA."
"You're well-meaning in your rules, but expecting grandparents who are babysitting for free to keep your baby entertained constantly is a big ask."
"A paid babysitter may be a better option for you."- yeahipostedthat
"YTA."
"Because the hitting is more problematic and you let that slide."- ElleArr26
"YTA."
"They are providing free childcare."
"FIL watching a movie WITH the kids is likely a memory they will remember."
"It's not like they are having the kids watch Days of our Lives."- Dramatic-Jello1053
"I am in between ESH and YTA here."
"Your rules for your kid are obviously the most important thing."
"But when you have someone else watching your kids, you do also have to factor in the sacrifice they make when they follow your rules."
"You may be able to entertain your kids more than their grandparents are so your rule for screen time fits your lifestyle while it may not fit theirs."
"Ultimately, you can tell them these are your rules, and if they won't follow them, they can't keep your kid, and then you deal with the consequences of the boundary you set for them."- keesouth
There were, however, a select few who did side with the OP, feeling her displeasure with breaking one of her rules was valid:
"Based on comments I'm seeing it looks like I'm going against the grain, but I'd say NTA to try and limit screen time."
"Child specialists recommend zero screen time before the age of 2."
"It is definitely best if you're able to avoid it."
"In situations where it's unavoidable, they recommend at least trying to keep it interactive and engage them about what they're watching (not letting them become zombies watching)."
"When kids do start watching, the recommendation is under 1 hour."
"Personally, I would be more focused on what the content is."
"Certain shows are more harmful than others (ex., CoComelon is the worst!)."
"Some things to look out for: go for shows with natural colours you would see in real life (not super bright unrealistic colours), more slow paced with cuts lasting at least 5-7 seconds, nothing floating around/ added graphics and animation, characters modeling good behavior."
"Overall you don't want it to be too stimulating."
"There are many amazing shows to choose from that follow that general guide (can provide a list of my favs if you want!)."
"If you are trying to be flexible, I would personally extend the timeline to maybe max 45-60 min with a list of safe shows that they can choose from that aren't overstimulating, with the recommendation to avoid TV completely when they feel like they can."
"There is so much time to watch all the Pixar and Disney movies imaginable, it doesn't have to be at 1.5 years."- NefariousnessIll2135
It's not unusual for parents to want to keep their children away from screens.
It's much less common for parents not to be terribly concerned about their child hitting and screaming at people.
It seems safe to assume that letting the OP's toddler watch a movie will stop her from doing just that to her grandparents...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp