Forgetfulness is something we all struggle with from time to time.
We forget our keys or our wallets, and we view this as a moral failing.
The issue isn’t always a lack of consideration or caring though – it can be any number of other factors getting in our way.
So, what happens when someone who knows they have a problem with forgetfulness lashes out when you try to assist them, and when you don’t?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) TAourtrip when they came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for leaving my boyfriend behind and going on the trip with our friends?”Â
OP began with the background.
“I’ve been with my boyfriend (I’ll call him Paul) for 3 years and living together for 6 months.”
“Paul has serious problems with forgetting important documents, and after the 4x he did this, I became responsible for carrying our documents in my purse.”
“According to him, all documents have a digital version, and that is enough, not all are digital (passport), and not all places accept the digital form.”
“But he is stubborn and maintains this position. I don’t mind being responsible for the documents and most of the time, I have them in my purse.”
“That is until one day (2 months ago) he called me asking about his identity because he needed it for something and they didn’t accept the digital version, I was at work, and I informed him that I had with me.”
“He gave me a huge scolding, saying that their documents should be at home, and told me to stop ‘holding’ his documents.”
“I handed his documents over to him and said that I would no longer be responsible for this or warn him about it because I was doing a favor for someone I love who is a capable adult (27).”
OP then got to the problem at hand.
“For the situation: We and our friends decided to travel to another country on New Year’s from the 12/27-01/03, and a passport is needed as it is on another continent.”
“We would go to the capital where we would stay at our friend’s house until our flight time. Our city is 2 hours away.”
“We decided to go to the airport 4 hours before (visit the VIP room) and I went to check all my documents first.”
Everything was fine, until…
“Paul was on my side, and when he saw only one passport, he asked about his, and I just said ‘You have it'”.
“He panicked, saying he thought I had taken even more passports as usual and left it at home.”
“He decided to run home and come back, he asked me to go with him, but I didn’t want to spend 4 hours in the car.”
“He went to get his passport (but complained that this was something to remember him by) and I went with my friends to the airport.”
“In short, he didn’t arrive on time, and I decided I wouldn’t miss my trip because of him. I turned off my cell phone and made my 12h trip.”
“When I arrived, several messages from him saying that he couldn’t believe that I had gone on a trip without him and that I had done it as a form of revenge because of his scolding.”
“The flights are all booked up or too expensive, so he probably won’t come. He’s still accusing me of leaving him behind after purposely not remembering something I know he struggles with.”
“My friends are on my side, but I feel doubtful.”
OP was left to wonder,
“AITA?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:Â NTA
Some commenters were very direct.
“So he b*tched you out for holding on to his documents after asking you to do just that.”
“Now he’s b*tching because you followed his wish but afterward did not baby him and remind him of his password.”
“He needs a mommy, not a girlfriend.”
“Maybe your solo vacation is enough of a wake-up call for him, good on you for sticking to your guns. NTA.” ~ SamRhage
Others felt there might be ulterior motives.
“She wrote him a list of what he needed to bring and the passport was on it.”
“So she DID still baby him and remind him, and he STILL forgot it… or possibly ‘forgot’ it.”
“At this point, I’m leaning towards thinking that he’s doing this to make up something she keeps doing ‘wrong’, or he didn’t actually want to go and either deliberately or subconsciously left it behind so he’d have an excuse.”
“ETA: And he wanted her to go with him to fetch it! So it’s possible he was trying to sabotage the trip for her, too.”
“I realize this sounds nuts, but so does the way he’s trying to make everything her fault even when she changes what she’s doing because he asks her to.”
“And ‘shortly after moving in together’ is a common point for AHs to think they’ve got their partner locked down and it’s safe to start showing their true colors.” ~ snootnoots
“You’re on to something.”
“Is there a name for being a horrible, arsehole,b#tt head in a relationship in order to make your partner so miserable they break up w you – so that you don’t have to to the breaking up.”
“Chrissy Metz has song lyric ‘You made me do the leaving, and you made me take the blame.'”
“My ex did a version of it for 5 years.”
“Joke was on him.”
“I was miserable but not looking at leaving (bc again the unreality, I couldn’t make a sound decision).”
“Lol, can you imagine trying to be the worst, meanest schmuck you can be for 5+ years and your partner won’t leave?”
“😆 he was I-Rate! 24/7…that his wife wouldn’t leave & chose to keep tolerating his crap.” ~ No_Appointment_7232
For others, it came down to how OP was being treated.
“Actually, it’s possible that he legit can’t do it himself, but he’s still an a**hole either way.”
“I don’t have enough context to suspect this dude has ADHD, and I’m most certainly not trying to excuse sh*tty actions with the mental illness card, but my point is, this is something people with ADHD really do struggle with.”
“It’s not something we do on purpose or just don’t care about enough, it just happens. We forget important stuff sometimes no matter how hard we try.”
“The real issue here is his attitude about it.”
“The way he continually blames OP for his own failures, whines about it, refuses to cooperate with her solutions, and then expects her to sacrifice her time and comfort to fix his mess are just beyond awful.”
“It’s also a huge red flag that he chewed her out for taking his documents last time when he should know damn well why she felt the need to do so.”
“I have a shiny piece of paper that proves I have ADHD, aka a learning disability, which says it’s not my fault when things like this happen.”
“What I don’t do is expect my partner to manage my disability for me because that is not their job. I am grateful and appreciative when someone tries to help me with reminders, checklists, asking me to check my purse before we leave, etc.”
“They are doing me a favor.”
“It can be grating and a bit annoying at times, but I keep any resentment in check because while my disability is not my fault, it is still my responsibility to manage it.”
“And when inevitably I mess up and inconvenience others, I am embarrassed and apologize.”
“I don’t throw a tantrum, and honestly in the situation OP describes I’d be happy that my partner could go without me, that I at least didn’t ruin the trip for both of us.”
“The way OP’s boyfriend treats her is so far out of line it really doesn’t matter whether he’s just lazy or legit can’t do this himself, he’s a major a**hat either way.” ~ TheRealSaerileth
“Agreed.”
“He’s an adult and is solely responsible for himself. The fact that he expected you to just miss the trip due to his incompetence is ludicrous.”
“NTA. Reconsider this relationship OP. This won’t change.” ~ Emmyxo212
OP did return to add one last detail.
“I forgot one detail: I always make a list for our trips of what to take, his passport was on the list, and he still forgot it.”
Dealing with our own faults can be a challenging task.
We have to accept that we are flawed and that there are shortfalls about ourselves that we cannot tackle alone.
This can be embarrassing.
Lashing out at the people trying to help isn’t the way to handle it though, and can actually do more harm than good.
Be kind.