Being late is a really big deal for some people.
There are those humans who suffer heart palpitations at the thought of being "on time" and not a few minutes early.
And then there are people who view time as just "an idea."
This has been an eternal struggle.
Case in point...
Redditor throwatw5573322 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for leaving for an event without my G[irl]F[riend]?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (26 M[ale]) GF (25 F[emale]) takes hours to get ready."
"Her hair is very untamable and that alone takes her more than an hour to fix."
"Yesterday we went to a friend's surprise 30th birthday party who I've known my entire life."
"He was going to show up around 8 p.m."
"We were expected to be there by then."
"Even though I repeatedly asked her to start getting dressed hours before the event, she still somehow only started curling her hair at 7:30."
"I told her I was leaving, she could either tie up her hair and leave with me now or just show up to the party by herself later."
"She didn't budge and just whined till I got in the car and left."
"At the party, her parents asked me where she was."
"I told them she was still getting dressed."
"The surprise was fantastic."
"Everyone was having a good time and my GF shows up at 8:30."
"On the way home, she called me immature not only for leaving her but also for telling her parents she was late because she was getting dressed."
"According to her, as a couple, we are a team and instead of nagging her to get dressed faster and 'complaining' to her parents, I should have just patiently waited and told everyone we were late because of traffic.
"It sounds incredibly stupid to me but I wanted a second opinion."
"Was I the A**hole?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA, if she wanted to be a 'team,' she should have been a 'team player' and started getting ready earlier."
"It's a surprise party, so being on time is important, not to mention it's the polite thing to do."
'Nobody likes the a**hole who comes walking in with the person who the surprise party was for." ~ Bonnm42
"NTA. We have a couple of people in the family that we need to give a fake earlier time for them to be there."
"It's mostly when it's an important gathering, like meeting at a place that needs a reservation." ~Tolianie
"I used to do this with my dad, but like by 2-4 hours off."
"The latest he's ever been for something with me was 18 hours."
"Every time I'd call and check, he'd say they're in the car, just waiting on one person in the bathroom or something."
"He only lived an hour away too. Impossible to plan anything with a habitually late person." ~ Terradactyl87
"My sister was like this until we left her like in OP's story."
"We were headed to Arkansas (5-hour drive) to the lake and told my sister we were leaving 1-hour before our actual planned leave time."
"We were 2 hours later than our planned leave time when she woke up to start packing for a family reunion trip we planned last year, so we left."
"Her B[oy]F[riend] drove 2.5 hours at 100+mph to catch up with us and basically say 'please take her for the weekend so I don't have to hear about it.'"
"She is now always on time but we still give her hell for it."
"I don't approve of driving that fast but he put in some work to make that weekend happen for her." ~sendab*ssypic
"I did this with my ex-husband."
"Only it was an hour later."
"And then he'd be all like 'See? It's fine. We're not really late.'"
"I told him about 2 years after we divorced that I always told him an hour early and that's why we were never late."
"He wasn't amused. I didn't care."
"OP: NTA. She's rude."
"Constantly being late is rude."
"It's telling people that you don't care about them enough to ensure that you're on time and that you believe your time is more important than hers."
"She doesn't get to cry about wanting you to be a team player when she isn't one herself." ~ Ok-Mode-2038
"If she only STARTED her hair at 7:30, she had no intention of being on time even though it was important in this case."
"I have difficult hair, and I understand the procrastination, but she also knew what she was doing."
"Apparently, being there for the surprise wasn't important to her, but it was to OP. NTA." ~ babcock27
"NTA. It's SOOO disrespectful when people do this and one of my pet peeves."
"We once got a babysitter, went to pick up our friends... he was still doing yard work."
"We sat there for an hour before he was ready."
"So I paid an hour of babysitting."
"OP if I were you, I'd continue to do this."
"She knows how long it takes her to get ready and also when you need to leave."
"Leave without her... OR next time there's a really important event she wants to be at, reverse the tables and take your sweet a** time getting ready and purposefully be 30-60 minutes late."
"See how she likes it."
"I'm assuming she won't." ~ mca2021
"NTA. So she wanted you to miss the surprise part of the party because she's too slow to prepare? Selfish."
"Also, it's fine that you told the truth to her parents.'
"It's not like you paraded around and told everyone 'she's late and missed the best part because she's still curling her hair.'"
"But you replied to their question."
"Maybe it has a little educative effect on her." ~ InkedAlly
"NTA. It's extremely rude to be late to an event, and it shows she didn't care."
"You repeatedly told her to get ready and she didn't listen."
"She got what she deserved and tbh I would've done the same thing." ~ mini_beethoven
"And she's supposedly an adult who knows how to tell time."
"Why is he reminding her to get ready?"
"Why can't she figure it out on her own?"
"I can't imagine telling another grown-a** adult how to be ready on time."
"It just teaches them that they don't have to think or plan for themselves." ~ bogbeanbogbean
"NTA. She knew when the event was, but she made the decision to not start getting ready early enough."
"As for having a go at you for not making up a better excuse, or just waiting, that's rubbish."
"Play stupid games and you get stupid prizes."
"If she's not responsible enough to start getting ready in good time then she doesn't deserve you covering for her." ~ thegodcomplex17
"NTA. I see these posts from time to time."
"In them, there is a time-critical event such as a wedding or surprise party."
"One person either has poor time management skills or otherwise procrastinates starting a long task (your GF here)."
"The person leaves to be on time (or uses a clever trick to "make" the procrastinator be on time such as lying about the arrival time) and the other person is upset."
"Not once have I ever considered the 'be on time' person the AH."
"Your GF is an adult and knows how long it takes to fix her hair."
"She wanted you to cover for her procrastination."
"She deserved to be called out."
"And here, she is the AH by being late to the surprise party because of her procrastination." ~ bmyst70
"Not only is the GF an adult that knows how long it takes to fix her hair, but OP kept asking her to get ready."
"It would be one thing if time had just gotten away from her (we've all been there, where we look at the time and go 'oh sh*t.'"
"But it sounds like OP was continually asking her to get ready and she just couldn't be bothered."
"That's an a**hole move. NTA." ~ TheSecondEikonOfFire
"NTA. You know she has issues with lateness and tried to account for that."
"Even though it's not your responsibility."
"She still couldn't be bothered to get ready even though it'd mean missing the surprise."
'It's her own fault." ~ thecloudandcookies
"NTA. And this is a huge red flag, dude."
"She cares more about herself than anyone else currently in her life."
"Including you specifically."
"What do you do with that information? Up to you."
"But I bet you will decide faster than your girl can get dressed." ~ Background-Lab-4896
"NTA. She knew it was an event with a set start time."
"She had hours beforehand to start getting ready."
"I could understand if something had truly come up and she didn't have time to get ready but this more seems like she couldn't be bothered." ~ Inallea
"NTA - I have no patience for people who do this routinely."
"She knows when the event is, you told her when you were leaving, and she chose to delay."
"Her failing, not yours."
"I see people commenting about A[ttention]-d[eficit]/h[yperactivity] d[isorder] and autism; hi, I have both!"
"You learn to adapt because you are a single person and the entire world isn't going to change, as much as we might want it to."
"There's really no excuse for constantly being late or poor planning."
"Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine." ~ Shivaelan
Well, OP, Reddit seems to be with you.
You wanted to be there for the surprise.
Which your GF knew.
You made what you thought was the best choice.
Sounds like some relationship chatting may need to happen.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp