Friends are there for each other in times of distress. Sometimes said friend may be in a relationship that could complicate things but as long as there is consent it is usually not an issue. One such friend however found themselves amidst conflict.
When a friends boyfriend got upset for him comforting her when she was in pain Redditor AITAthrowaway509 turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit for judgement on the situation.
He asked:
“AITA for helping a friend in a way that made her bf uncomfortable?”
The OP (Original Poster) explained:
“My(22m) friend (22f) and I are really close and have known each other for around 10 years and she has a condition known as endometriosis. This can cause severe chronic pains and even more while menstruating.”
“I have always tried to be as helpful and supportive as possible when she is in pain. We haven’t seen each-other in a while because of you know what.”
“My friend, her bf (22m) and I are all vaccinated so I was going to spend the month there. She had her period today and her bf got promoted at work so he got blackout drunk and was passed out on his bed.”
“She was in a lot of pain today and was hurling over the toilet in pain so I was trying to be as helpful as possible by rubbing her back/ and holding her hair. And putting my arm on her shoulder in a half hug kind of way to try and comfort her.”
“Her bf was up a little later and came into the bathroom and saw us. He asked what was happening and I explained and he told me not to do that and I told him that I was sorry but didn’t want to leave her alone in pain.”
“He rolled his eyes and went about his business . He pulled me aside later and told me that he didn’t care if he was drunk and told me that I had no right to do that.”
“Now I think I may be the a**hole because of the fact he is kind of right in that I should have woken him or informed him in some manner to see if he was comfortable with it or some alternative so AITA?”
The OP asked Redditors to weigh in and rule:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided they were NTA.
“NTA This has toxic male bull all over it. If he didn’t like the behavior, he should be discussing it with her. Because, you know, she consented to it all and you weren’t forcing anything.”
“Instead he blamed you because you didn’t have his permission. Aka she doesn’t get to give permission. Aka she is his property. Aka don’t touch my property.”
“Now I’m not saying that is exactly what is going on in his mind. I believe we call this internalized misogyny. Also known as rules that have been in practice since the days when women were property.”
“It’s not questioned because it’s always just been an unspoken social rule. In more recent times it would be bro code. Don’t touch another bro’s girl.”
“Tell him if he doesn’t like that you were comforting his gf to take it up with her, because you know you had the consent of the only person whose opinion matters. His permission doesn’t count when it comes to your interactions with her, only she can say what the boundaries are.”~Logical_Ruse
“NTA. Thank you for being a good friend. The boyfriend should have thanked you for being there for her while he was blackout drunk and useless.”
“He probably also needs to have a look at his drinking habits. Speaking as an alcoholic, getting blackout while your partner is not, on the excuse of a promotion…raises questions.”~lorealashblonde
“NTA Lol no you’re not. He doesn’t govern how you interact with her.”
“All you were doing was supporting her when she didn’t have anyone else to. You might want to let her know about that bc it’s a bit red flagy.”~FloatingSpaceTrash
“NTA. Personally, I find someone rubbing my back to be annoying, uncomfortable and creepy. That is the last thing I would want someone doing if I was puking or sore.”
“But that isn’t what your friend seems to think, since she consented and didn’t tell you to stop. The only opinion that matters in this instance? Your friend.”
“Her bf’s opinion matters just as much as mine does – which is absolutely zero. Bf is currently jealous and feels like you’re just being a Nice Guy (TM) who is playing the long game to get with your friend.”
“Make it clear to him that this isn’t the case and he has nothing to worry about. I’m assuming you and the bf haven’t known each other long or don’t know each other very well yet.”
“So he’s feeling threatened and insecure, and while he’s definitely an ass for telling you how to treat his gf… his feelings are also somewhat understandable if he doesn’t know you at all. Personally I would give him the benefit of the doubt, I’d reassure him and leave it there.”
“If he reacts to that in a way where he still tries to control your interactions then I would tell your friend. Because controlling is wrong even if you try to control the OTHER people and not just your partner.”
“That’s very wrong and unhealthy and she deserves to know about it. But if he was just feeling a bit insecure and guilty then I’d maybe cut him some slack.”~Ohcrumbcakes
“NTA- what did he expect you to do? Have his drunk ass take care of her? Bet you he wouldn’t have.”
“He sounds like your typical example of toxic masculinity and your friend needs to re-evaluate her relationship. You were being a good friend watching out for her.”
“Endometriosis and period pains are not something to take lightly. They’re next level pain and no man will ever understand that unless his testicles flared up and caused him to vomit at least once a month..”~jupiter0342
“NTA. Your friend gets to decide her own body autonomy. Her boyfriend does not get to decide for her.”
“Now if he is uncomfortable with her friends hugging her & comforting her, he can certainly tell her BUT she is also completely welcome to then tell him to eff of.~shepassedthebeautyon
Although everyone is entitled to their own friendship boundaries in this case Redditors found the only person who should have been concerned about those boundaries is the woman who’s choice it was to consent or not-not he boyfriends.