No two people have the same taste in food.
Including domestic partners.
This can make cooking meals together somewhat challenging, as one half of the couple might absolutely loathe certain foods their other half positively loves.
Some couples look for a compromise, while others end up with slightly more one-sided results.
Redditor Hot_Fan_132 and her boyfriend enjoyed cooking for one another.
However, whenever the original poster (OP)'s boyfriend was the one doing the cooking, he always made food that the OP simply couldn't tolerate.
No matter how many times she told him.
On a recent dinner in, the OP caught her boyfriend, almost literally, red-handed cooking her least favorite foods, and called him out on it.
After being called "ungrateful" for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not eating the spaghetti my boyfriend made?"
The OP explained why she and her boyfriend came ot a head over a plate of spaghetti:
"Me (24 F[emale]) and my boyfriend (23 M[ale]) have been together for about 4 years now going on 5."
"We live together and both of us cook every now and then for each other."
"I absolutely CANNOT handle anything spicy, sorry if I am a wuss, but it just ruins any food for me."
"My boyfriend knows this, and every single time he cooks, he makes it spicy."
"He thinks I won't notice because he puts other things in it and denies it every time I ask him if he did."
"Today he made spaghetti, and I begged him, PLEASE do not put anything hot in it."
"If he chooses to put whatever ingredients to make it hot in his, I have no problem with that."
"I serve myself a bowl and guess what?"
"It was spicy ASF!"
"I then asked him what he put in it, and he said, 'Nothing, maybe it was the sausage.' I then proceeded to go look at the stove, and I saw red pepper flakes all over the pot."
"I go tell him what I just saw, he then admits to putting red pepper flakes, but only a little bit."
"I told him I was not eating it."
"I leave the room and he starts yelling at me about how ungrateful I am."
"So my question is am I the a**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to eat her boyfriend's spicy spaghetti.
Everyone agreed that not only was the OP's boyfriend being inconsiderate, but many found his blatant disregard for her spice tolerance grounds for ending the relationship:
"NTA."
"What else does he know about you that he chooses to blatantly ignore, lie about, or do the opposite of and then gaslight you on?"- RefrigeratorFun4676
"You're NTA."
"What is his game plan here, anyway?"
"Is he trying to make sure he never has to cook for you?"- Dittoheadforever
"NTA."
"Are you sure you want to be with someone who treats you like this?"
"I have a lower spice tolerance than my partner."
"Whenever my partner makes shared food, they always keep that in mind. Similarly, when I cook for us, I keep my partner's preferences in mind."
"That's how it should be in a healthy, loving relationship."- apocketfullofcows
"NTA."
"'I absolutely CANNOT handle anything spicy, sorry if I am a wuss, but it just ruins any food for me. My boyfriend knows this, and every single time he cooks, he makes it spicy,' is freakin hostile."
"When I cook for myself and my bf, I tone down the spices for his portion and spice the heck out of mine."
"No one needs to serve someone else food that's spicy af if they love that person."-TemptingPenguin369
"This is a control thing."
"He doesn't seem to like you very much, and he's a liar."
"Not sure how much more you need to know about him to make it obvious that you're in a bad relationship."
"NTA for leaving the room, or the relationship."- IllustriousBowler259
'NTA."
"Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?"- OkManufacturer767
"NTA.'
"You're not ungrateful for not eating something you specifically asked him not to sneak into your food, and he did anyway."
"If this is something he does a lot, it's on purpose, and the intent seems clear."
"He wants you to feel bad for not wanting to eat something he knew you wouldn't like when he made it."
"Ask yourself what possible reasons someone would have for that."
"Are any of them good?"
"What else is he gonna sneak into our food?"
"Or what is he already sneaking into your food?"
"Probably nothing, but that he wants to be able to should be setting off alarms."- Kitastrophe8503
"NTA."
"This guy is awful."
"I like spicy food; lots of people don't."
"Lots of people don't simply dislike it; they can't eat it."
"Different people have different tolerances for spice/heat."
"Why is he so fixated on making you food and sneaking hot spice into it?"
"This is very weird."
"WORSE, he is lying about it."
"And trying to make you feel guilty about it."
"He sounds terrible."
"Honestly, due to all these issues I'd consider dumping him."
"Of course, he'll tell everyone it's because 'she didn't like spicy food' but you will know the whole story, and should tell it."
"It wasn't really ever about spicy food."
"Also, use spice however you want, but spicy spaghetti?"
"Somewhere an Italian grandma has a wooden spoon with his head's name on it."-MarionberryPlus8474
"NTA."
"He is deliberately choosing to make all your food spicy and inedible."
"That is not okay."
"You need to have a conversation about what that behavior says about him."
"It's completely disrespectful, and the fact that he then gets mad you won't eat the food is next level."-Donutsmell
"NTA."
"He thinks you're so dumb you won't NOTICE the food is spicy."
"Let that sink in."
"You deserve so so much better."
"End this."- thoracicbunk
"NTA."
"He makes food that he knows you can't eat, lies to your face, and then yells at you over it?"
"Dump him."
"Life's too short to spend with someone who doesn't respect you."- DarkLadyNyara
"NTA."
"What else is he controlling about?"- Few-Quit6799
"Absolutely NTA!"
"He is totally TA here."
"My husband knows I can't handle spicy, and he does most of the cooking anymore."
"He cooks without it or does it mild for me, then puts all the tobasco, chilies, and spice on his after."
"When we do our green chilies sauce, I actually make it spicier than he does, and he prefers mine over his."
"So that says something after 34 years of marriage."
"But you either need to get rid of him or just make your own dinner every night."
"He does not care enough about you to cook FOR you the correct way so you're not having to do without."
"He's being totally selfish, controlling, and not empathetic at all to you."- Ravynwolf_moon
"NTA."
"This person doesn't respect you."
"Why are you still with him?"
"He's doing this intentionally and gaslighting you when you call him out on it."- PicklePillz
"NTA."
"He lied."
"You had already determined that this food was too spicy for you."
"You have your limitations, and he knows them."
"There are some ingredients that can be added after cooking to achieve the same result."
"Garlic is not one of those, but pepper flake is."
"He could have saved that for his own portions."
"He either forgot and fibbed, thinking you might struggle through it and 'adapt', or he didn't care."
"It doesn't matter, though: you're NTA for not being able to eat it, especially since you have made your spice limitations clear."
"He lied."
"Messing with other people's food is unacceptable."
"Lying is just as bad."
"He did both."
"You need to address that when you're both calm."
"He might not understand how bad these actions are."
"Not everyone does."
"Explain that lying about ingredients and preparing foods for you that you cannot eat is unacceptable and why."
"If he does understand and he is trying to make you adapt without your consent or exercise some sort of control or something else for which he should obtain your consent, then you need to reconsider eating anything he cooks and how mealtime will work."
"Or reconsider the relationship, depending on his motives and commitment to whatever these motives are."
"The lying is a huge problem."
"Either he cannot admit he messed up, or he thinks you are stupid, or something else that isn't good. I can't think of an acceptable reason for lying about adding ingredients to food he serves you that you cannot tolerate."
"But my experience is limited to my own life."- 5Tapestries
It's bad enough that the OP's boyfriend constantly ignored the OP's dietary requests.
But that he did so and lied about putting red pepper flakes in the spaghetti makes one question if the majority of the Reddit community is right, and the OP should consider leaving this relationship.
By which time he will have most likely realized that he was the "ungrateful" one, far too late...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp