We can all agree that not all relationships are destined to last forever, but if we’re being honest, it would be nice to know sooner rather than later, wouldn’t it?
So we don’t have to waste our time with it?
But sometimes a toxic partner can take years to expose themselves, and when they do, it’s shocking, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
While on her period, Redditor No_Pomegranate_9081 was taken aback by her boyfriend’s reaction to her use of certain period products and even accused her of having alternate uses for them.
But when he went so far as to say that he couldn’t imagine still dating her if she continued having periods, the Original Poster (OP) couldn’t imagine what that medically meant for her.
She told the sub:
“My boyfriend says I ruined our relationship because of my period.”
The OP was in a long-term relationship with her boyfriend but not living with him.
“I (23 Female) and my boyfriend (30 Male) have been dating for two years.”
“We don’t live together because I don’t want to live with his roommates, and I won’t let him move in with me because I live in a small studio behind my landlord’s house.”
“The space just isn’t large enough.”
The OP was not raised in a supportive environment.
“My mom was very controlled by my father. She passed away when I was nine. My dad wouldn’t even drive her to doctor appointments. My oldest brother had to.”
“He never remarried, so it was just me and my five brothers. The school nurse is who helped me with my first period.”
“My best friend’s mom would take me to get things because he didn’t even want to talk about it.”
“The first time I threw away a pad in the bathroom trash can, my brother screamed at me for making him want to throw up.”
“I was the only girl in my house growing up with five brothers. I know men don’t like to know about this stuff, my dad and brothers always made me throw my ‘women things’ in the outside trash and I was never allowed to talk about it.”
“I haven’t talked to my father since I was 18. Most of my brothers, either. The third oldest has reached out since he got married. I don’t want any of them in my life.”
The OP had learned to use different products, depending on who was around.
“When I know I’m going to be with my boyfriend or if I’m at work or in public, I will use a disk. They work okay for short periods of time for me.”
“But at night when I know I’m going to be alone, I will use those disposable underwear. I don’t worry about tossing around at night and leaking, I don’t have to think about getting an infection, and honestly, I cramp less. But they look like a diaper and I know that’s not sexy.”
But the OP’s boyfriend recently changed plans without the OP knowing.
“My boyfriend had a weekend trip to Vegas, and he planned to leave on Friday and to come back on Monday.”
“I was on my period and knew he would be out of town, so I decided to sleep comfortably.”
“But something happened on the trip and they ended up coming back late Sunday instead of Monday. He decided not to tell me because he wanted to surprise me.”
“So I went to bed Sunday night around 9:00 PM like always. At some point in the middle of the night, he slipped into bed with me.”
“When he got into bed, he felt the period underwear and freaked out. He said I was gross for just laying there in the blood.”
“I got up, took a shower, and changed into a disk. When I laid back down, he just ignored me and went to sleep.”
The OP’s boyfriend accused her of ulterior motives after what he saw.
“I went to work and didn’t hear from him on Monday. Tuesday afternoon, he came over to talk and said when he thinks about me, all he can see is a child wearing a diaper.”
“He asked if I ‘used’ them, and I said of course not, but he said he didn’t believe me.”
“He said that I was a horrible girlfriend for hiding this ‘fetish’ from him and that he’s wasted all of this time and energy on our relationship.”
“I tried to explain why I used them when he’s not around and that I know they aren’t attractive. I said that I’d stop using them altogether because I love him, and I don’t want to ruin our relationship.”
The boyfriend gave the OP an ultimatum.
“He said he’ll think about it, but he wants me to talk to my doctor about getting on different birth control so I don’t have my period at all because now the thought of me having one grosses him out.”
“I told him I don’t want to change birth control.”
“So now he says I’m an a**hole for not being willing to do something so simple to make him feel better.”
“I didn’t know my boyfriend was like this until now.”
“I told him I needed a few days to get a hold of my doctor. I have an appointment on Friday.”
“Am I the a**hole if I decide not to change birth control?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP not to change her birth control plan over some guy.
“NTA, but you need to dump him. Pads are great to sleep in with some black boyshorts, or you could get the washable period underwear, but DO NOT get a serious hormonal birth control just so he can go back to picturing you as a smooth hairless bloodless Barbie sex doll.”
“I have the arm implant and I love not getting periods (endometriosis) but if you don’t have a SERIOUS reason for birth control, it’s not worth putting your body through unnecessary changes just to appease a manchild who is going to find something new to be grossed out by next week.”
“HE IS THIRTY!! This is insane behavior. By 30, most dudes I’ve known… know to buy the pads with wings and the tampons with a plastic applicator. Him feeling squicky is not a reason for you to internalize more shame about your body’s natural functions or chemically alter yourself.”
“My dad HATED the feminine product aisle when I was a kid, but when I had bad cramps, he went to three different grocery stores on a tiny island to try to find tampons with plastic instead of cardboard because he is a grown man.”
“You already know that if men got periods, you’d happily get him supplies and care for him because you like doing nice things for him. Why do you expect less from him than from yourself?” – Big_Zucchini_9081
“Heck no, throw the whole man out along with your used disposable underwear!”
“He does not get to make you feel bad about your bodily functions, and he certainly does not get to ask you to change birth control just because he does not like the fact that you have periods. If he doesn’t want to be with someone who gets their period, he may want to consider not dating a woman.”
“I’m so mad on your behalf, you did nothing wrong. NTA.”
“Just wanted to ask, have you ever heard about period underwear? Sounds like something you would like.”
“P.S. Your dad and brothers are major AH for shaming you at home for having a period.” – JollyForce9237
“This is just step one to establishing control over you. If he can’t handle the idea of a woman menstruating, he needs to be celibate. He is not worth another thought, and you have dodged a huge bullet.” – Super_Selection1522
“DO NOT CHANGE BIRTH CONTROL! Throw the whole man away like one of your disposable underwear. NO ONE should EVER dictate what you do with your body. EVER. Ugh, what a deplorable excuse for a human being he is.” – litt3lli0n
“Hi there, another man here chiming in to say NTA and throw that boyfriend in the outside trash so no one else has to see him. There are lots of grown men in the world who don’t have their head buried this far in the sand.”
“And by the way, your boyfriend is a straight-up misogynist. I don’t think there could be any clearer definition than someone who can’t tolerate exactly how a woman’s body functions. HE DOESN’T RESPECT YOU AT A FUNDAMENTAL LEVEL.” – videojay
Others agreed and had some carefully chosen words for the OP’s family, too.
“The fact that she grew up having to throw her ‘women things’ in the outside trash and never talk about it makes me really sad.” – far-from-gruntled
“Girl, your father is trash. I’m sorry to say it, but what kind of man doesn’t drive his wife to doctor appointments and makes his daughter dispose of her pads and tampons in the outside trash?”
“My husband bought our kids every size of pad and made sure they had cake for their first periods.”
“You’re dating someone who is just as bad as your father. I promise there are good men out there who will not tell you that you’re gross or act like you’re tainted for using feminine hygiene products.” – johnjonahjameson13
“My dad, who is a man’s man and worked a very traditionally manly job, was the one who was home when I first got my period and had to explain that I wasn’t hurt and I wasn’t dying, and everything was going to be okay.”
“He took me to the drugstore and we found an older sales lady (my dad didn’t want to embarrass a younger woman but assumed a woman his age wouldn’t be as embarrassed to help) and we found something appropriate.”
“One of my mom’s friends’ husbands tried to tease my dad about it and he turned it around, ‘Yeah, I’m such a sissy man, I care about my kid.’ He was 6’3 of lean, blue-collar muscle at the time.” – GreyerGrey
“I now mention to my teenage son when I have my period. My husband once questioned why I do it. I explained that he already knew what they were and he needed just to realize they were normal.”
“He will marry a woman that will have her period and maybe have daughters. It’s just a normal thing that happens every month. I want him to grow up and be a decent friend/boyfriend/husband one day.”
“He is not scarred, not grossed out, and life goes on. He even makes me Oreo milkshakes so I feel better.”
“That guy is a douche, as are the OP’s dad and brothers.” – Equivalent_Roll5376
“I think the fact that you grew up in a house of baby men who forced you to take your bloody tampons outside of the house means that you have a really skewed idea of what men think of stuff like this.”
“Real men understand that we bleed out of our vaginas once a month, and that’s just what happens, and there’s no way around it. I have never heard of someone having to leave the house to throw away their tampon! That is so insane, and I guess it set you up to think it’s normal for men to not be able to handle basic bodily functions like this.”
“The vast majority of men are not like this. Your father is a whiny little baby, your brothers are whiny little babies, and this id**t manchild you’re dating is a whiny little baby. Go out there and meet some real men.” – ranchojasper
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
“I canceled the doctor’s appointment. I’m reading through everyone’s comments, and there are so many, I can’t respond.”
“I took the little bit of stuff he had here to his apartment while he was at work. I met with him after he got off and told him I wasn’t going to change birth control, and after thinking about his reaction and a few other conversations we’ve had, I had no interest in being with him anymore.”
“He threw a tantrum, saying I’m never going to find someone who loves me like him and a lot of other gross things I don’t want to repeat.”
“When I got home, I thanked my landlord for telling me to post here and told her what the outcome was.”
“Just so everyone isn’t worried, you have to go through a gate with a code to get to where my studio is. I’ve changed my access code so he can’t get in, and I gave the night security his car information and a photo just to be safe.”
“There are so many comments, I can’t respond to all of them. Thank you for all of the advice not only about this situation, but many of you commented about my upbringing and that there are some things I need to work through. I’m going to do that. Thanks for everything!”
The subReddit was screaming at the top of their lungs for the OP to put her health and period preferences far, far ahead of any guy, but especially a judgmental guy like this one.
Between her upbringing and current dating choices, the OP clearly needed to meet some men with far different perspectives on menstruation.