We can all agree that work life can be really rough at times, so much so that we might entertain the idea of quitting if we, by any stretch of the imagination, have the means to do so.
But that does not mean that the other people we live with will be happy about the decision, especially if it will impact their paychecks, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Significant-Eye-9353 knew that their wife, a nurse, was struggling to keep her head up at work and that she was entertaining the idea of what it would be like to not be a nurse anymore.
But when she insisted that she quit because her partner made enough money for the two of them, the Original Poster (OP) was not comfortable with the idea of being the sole breadwinner.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my wife she can’t quit her job because I don’t want to be the sole breadwinner?”
The OP’s wife was struggling with burnout in her work as a nurse.
“My wife recently told me she wants to quit her job because she’s burnt out and wants to ‘take some time to figure things out.'”
“We don’t have kids, and while I make enough to support us, it would mean cutting back on luxuries and saving less for the future.”
“I told her I don’t think it’s fair for her to just quit without a plan, especially since I’ve been working just as hard and don’t have the option to just stop.”
The OP’s wife accused them of not supporting her and her happiness.
“She got really upset and said I should want her to be happy.”
“But I feel like this is something we should decide together, not just something she can announce.”
“She says I’m being unsupportive and selfish. I think I’m just being realistic.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP that this was a decision a married couple should make together.
“The OP said, ‘I feel like this is something we should decide together, not just something she can announce.'”
“That’s 100% correct. The two of you need to sit down with a neutral third party (financial advisor or similar) to review exactly what her quitting would mean to your finances, savings, luxuries, vacations, new cars/replacement cars, etc.”
“If that doesn’t open her eyes, you have a bigger problem. NTA.” – facinationstreet
“NTA. It’s one thing if she had a plan, but just quitting and expecting you to shoulder everything indefinitely isn’t fair. Burnout is real, but so are bills, savings, and future plans.”
“You’re not wrong for wanting a say in a decision that directly affects your life too.” – VenitalPinson
“I think her saying she wants to quit is her discussing it with him. The post and comments are making it seem as though she came home and said, ‘I’ve quit my job!’ rather than, ‘I am burnt out and I would like a break from work, can we see how we can make it work?'”
“Also, life is short, and the husband might one day end up needing a break from work, whether for physical and mental health issues and end up being the one being supported.” – Bubbly-Syllabub-8377
“This decision needs to be discussed, and a plan that both agree on needs to be put in order. And if she’s not entertaining these discussions, even if she’s burnt out, that’s a problem.”
“You two have to discuss things like:”
“What is the timeframe they’re looking at for her to be out of her job? Are the any plans on getting back to earning money?”
“Is it possible to cut to part-time instead?”
“How is OP feeling about his job and his responsibilities?”
“What will she do meanwhile? Can she take care of other responsibilities to alleviate the extra weight on him?” – Robocop_Tiger
“This isn’t a decision one can make solo, and it’s a bit selfish. What about YOUR happiness? Why does her matter more? What if you told her you were burnt out and wanted to quit and take time to figure things out?”
“I’ve seen how this plays. She will quit regardless of what you say, and she won’t go back to work.” – Disastrous-Panda5530
Others agreed and questioned how the OP’s wife defined “happiness.”
“She thinks you should want her to be happy, but by the same token, she should want you to be happy. So that cuts both ways and is therefore a wash.” – Boeing267-80
“The wife not only needs to think about what quitting would involve resigning, but also what this would do to OP’s stress level. That’s another important factor. The weight of their survival, both physical and financial, becomes solely his. She doesn’t get to make that decision for him.” – OkHedgewitch
“I’d be really careful with what you agree with, OP, because she may view this as she can be a SAHW forever, not just short-term.”
“As far as ‘he should want her to be happy,’ it’s a two-way street. What about OP’s happiness? She’s going to live the life of Riley while all the financial burden is on him.” – mca2021
“NTA Tell her you have been feeling burnt out too and would rather be a stay-at-home husband while she continues working. See what kind of support she’s willing to give you.” – wlfwrtr
“NTA, this is definitely a joint decision that should be made after well thought out plans, goals, input from financial professionals.”
“Not to mention this economy, food prices, job market. Etc, etc, etc. All experts agree it takes a two-income household to make these days. She’s struggling this hard without children. Perhaps she needs mental/emotional help you can’t provide.” – PathA2020MLS2007
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in the comments.
“Wow, thank you to everyone who took the time to share their thoughts. I’ve read through so many responses, and I really appreciate the different perspectives, especially the ones that called me out. It’s been eye-opening.”
“I realize I left out some important context that might shift how people see this situation. My wife works as a nurse, and she’s been dealing with intense burnout, which I downplayed at first. The long hours, emotional toll, and constant stress have really taken a toll on her.”
“She’s mentioned feeling exhausted all the time, both physically and mentally, and I think I underestimated just how much she’s been struggling.”
The OP confided that there were other problems going on at home besides burnout.
“That being said, there are other layers to this that have made things difficult. Our relationship has been strained for a while.”
“Our intimacy has taken a major hit, and while I initially chalked it up to stress, I now realize it might be something deeper.”
“She’s also made some hurtful comments over time that I’ve tried to brush off, stuff like implying that I ‘wouldn’t understand real stress’ since I have a more predictable office job. I never really pushed back on those comments, but I’d be lying if I said they didn’t bother me. I think part of my reaction to her quitting came from resentment I didn’t even realize I had.”
The OP was willing to accept responsibility for his part of the conversation.
“I know now that I handled this conversation the wrong way. A lot of people suggested involving a neutral third party, and I think that’s a great idea. I’m going to suggest we talk this through with a counselor or mediator because clearly, this isn’t just about her job; it’s about our relationship as a whole.”
“I still believe quitting without a plan isn’t ideal, but I also don’t want to be the kind of partner who ignores their spouse’s mental health. So, I’m going to approach this differently and really listen this time.”
“Again, I appreciate all the feedback, even the harsh ones. You’ve given me a lot to think about.”
As a result of the update, some Redditors questioned how long this marriage would last.
“So the relationship is going sideways, and she suddenly wants to quit what is a normally high-paying job. If she refuses marriage counseling, go ahead and find a divorce lawyer. It’s a setup.” – Fuzzy_Department2799
“If she’s playing ‘compare who has a more stressful job,’ then on one level, she’s checked out of the partnership piece of marriage. Because that’s resentment right there, and it’s daring you not to get resentful too.”
“I don’t think finding herself is going to magically take that away. Resentment always finds its way back in through other avenues unless you proactively remove it from your life, through things like daily practice.”
“I get that she wants to downshift and work on recovering her mental health and probably her stress hormone balance, but she needs to see her marriage as a tool for achieving that, not a barrier. She won’t if she’s bringing all this resentment to the table and pushing some on you, too.”
“Can she shift to part-time or a less hectic nursing environment while spending time in some intense therapy to get back to herself?”
“Taking time off with no plan and becoming fully reliant on someone else for basic needs like food and shelter is not good at all for one’s self-worth. It can actually send self-worth into the toilet.” – rt_gilly
“There are at least three professions I wouldn’t argue and get into a competition with about who has a more stressful job: doctors, nurses and construction workers.”
“I’m sure it’s hurtful what she said but her job is awfully stressful.”
“That doesn’t mean she can belittle and treat you horribly. Comparing who has more stress is ridiculous because it doesn’t matter. Stress is stress, and someone is always going to have more stress or pain than you do.”
“She cannot just quit and expect her husband to carry everything without a plan. If the roles were reversed, I don’t think we would get the same reaction.” – hummingelephant
“Nursing is intense. I have a few friends who do it, and they’re all highly stressed, but there are options. If she can get a consulting job, where she can work from home, that would definitely be a move in the right direction. There are also sites like Just Answer that rely on consultants and allow you to set your own hours.”
“Pay is probably not as good as being in a hospital, but she’d still be working and making money without having to deal with the kinds of things an onsite nurse has to deal with.” – tresordelemer
“I am an RN with 36 years of experience. Seeing your update, I want to give you my perspective. I don’t know how old she is or what area she works in. I am curious as I think I could give you better insight if I knew.”
“Nursing can be a whole monster by itself. Schooling really doesn’t prepare you for the reality of it. I spent 15 years in Labor and Delivery before becoming a school nurse and doing geriatric care management. Then, after many years, I went back and did another five years of Labor and Delivery. I now work in an outpatient surgery center and could not be happier.”
“Allowing your wife to take a bit of a sabbatical may help her to get the mental health break she needs and then the ability to explore other options. As a married couple, you are a team, and as a team, there are times when one may need to carry the other.”
“My suggestion is that you do come up with a plan. If you need to sit down with a counselor or someone older and wiser that you both trust, consider allowing her some time to just regroup (a month or two). Then after a certain period, she (if you agree) needs to return to work, maybe where is currently or maybe something completely different.”
“There are so many options out there that many nurses are not aware of. There is something out there for her that will not drain her physically, mentally, and emotionally.”
“I also think that believing that there is ‘something deeper’ is a stretch. If she is truly ‘burned out’ physically and emotionally, she truly has nothing more to give. Burnout alone will cause your relationship to suffer. If you love and value her, listen to what she is saying.”
“Also, in her defense, some people have great difficulty dealing with the ‘unpredictable.’ She isn’t 100% wrong in telling you that you don’t understand. My husband is an accountant. Having 100s of returns to do is a different type of stress compared to running a code, delivering a preterm baby, or taking care of a patient in the ICU.” – JoyfunandHappy1965
While the OP seemed worried that there was more to the burnout than the burnout itself, fellow Redditors reassured the OP that burnout could be powerful and cause a lot of seemingly unrelated problems.
It was still important, however, for the couple to come up with a plan before the OP’s wife officially left her job. Though it might be the healthiest option for her, they still need to go over their budget, shared responsibilities around the home, and what her long-term plan was for going back to work if she ever intended to.