When you have your heart broken due to an ex calling it quits, it’s hard to move on.
One woman struggled after her fiance canceled their wedding engagement.
However, recently, it seemed he was struggling with problems of his own after having found another woman to marry.
When a surprise confrontation led to drama, the woman wondered if she was responsible for her ex’s situation.
So she visited the “Am I the A** Hole?” (AITAH) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, the anonymous Redditor asked:
“AITAH for not warning my ex about his new partner?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Just over a year ago I (35 f[female]) was engaged and totally in love. However, a few days before the wedding, he (42 M[ale]) dramatically called the whole thing off.”
“This was after I asked if we could have some therapy as I was finding some of his behaviours increasingly disrespectful, despite my attempts to tackle it. But he responded by flipping out and sent all the cancellations to guests without even consulting me and lots of other unkind and over the top behaviour which I felt was really unnecessary and really hurt me.”
“I was totally devastated and tried to make him come round but he wouldn’t, so eventually I stopped trying and just focussed on rebuilding my life without him.”
The OP continued:
“I was then shocked and to be honest, pretty gutted, when just three months after our break up, he was engaged to someone new and just another three months after that, married to her.”
“I know for sure that they didn’t know each other before we broke up, so it was not because they were having an affair. I think it was just a rebound thing and because he really wants to have a family asap, he just went for it.”
“It so happens that I know her (35 f[female]) vaguely from a couple years ago and don’t think very highly of her. She was often really miserable and would bring the happy energy of a room down as soon as she walked in.”
“She was highly defensive, taking almost anything anyone says to her, no matter how well intentioned, in the wrong way. So despite us being the same age and in the same community, I never bothered to befriend her as she was just not my sort of person.”
“She seemed to have a particular dislike of me, and made a couple of passive aggressive comments towards me. I don’t know what spurred it but didn’t care enough to pull her up on it. I assumed she was just a miserable in herself, so wasn’t something to take too personally. I never gave her another thought until a couple of years later when she married my ex.”
She decided to be passive in the situation.
“I didn’t say anything to anyone when my ex got engaged or married. I thought it seemed like a strange choice but thought maybe they will work out as I don’t know her well enough to know what nice qualities she has.”
“When they were engaged, a couple of people who knew both me and her wanted me to contact her to warn her about his behaviour with me, but I felt I couldn’t predict if he would treat her with the same disrespect. So didn’t want to involve myself, and just wanted to concentrate on moving on.”
Her decision to stay out of the drama, unfortunately, caught up with her when she overshared during an unexpected conversation.
“Recently, just a few months in to their marriage I bumped into him. We were both shocked to see each other and made polite small talk. He didn’t look in good shape, and I could see even though he was faking a smile, that he was actually really down.”
“He said he was married and I said I was aware and wouldn’t have put them together but was glad he found someone. I was about to wrap it up and go when he asked what I meant by I wouldn’t have matched them, and if I knew her.”
“I was surprised she had never told him she knew me, so said yes and told him how we’d met. He asked if I’d known (as apparently other people did but failed to warn him) that she’d been diagnosed with a host of mental health conditions and personality disorders.”
“Apparently it was common knowledge or assumed she had told him herself. I said I didn’t know, but it didn’t surprise me to hear.”
“He then got emotional and said I must have known he didn’t realize what she is actually like and not warned him out of spite. I said it wasn’t my responsibility at all. He left me, and what he chose to do with his life after that was none of my business.”
“But his reaction was so emotional, it made me think, even though he was an AH for leaving me, should I have warned either of them about the other and intervened to save two AHs from making each other even more miserable? Her mental health issues have exasperated since the wedding apparently.”
“AITAH in the sense that I should I have given it more thought and said something to either of them before they got married?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
‘He left me and what he chose to do with his life after that was none of my business.’
“This sums it up. He’s a grown man. He made his choice to call off the marriage and leave you; he also made the hasty decision to get married to another woman. Whatever he wants to call if (spite, anger. indifference, reluctance to meddle, etc.), he left your world behind, so everything beyond that point is on him. He owns these decisions, not you or anyone else.”
“NTA.” – do2g
“NTA. He left you with zero regard for your well-being. He is a grown man responsible for his own decisions. He chose to date this woman. He chose to propose. He chose to marry her. His lack of due diligence is no one’s fault but his own.”
“Go and live your best life reassured you dodged a bullet.” – Good_Ad6336
“Nta.”
“You don’t know her well enough to ‘warn’ him of anything outside of generalized dislike and vibe. Trying to talk to him would just make you sound bitter and like you’re jealous. It would have come across like that in either direction.”
“Also, at the end of the day, he subtracted himself from your life and is a grown adult. You owe him nothing. So he can throw his pity party somewhere else.” – LadyAime
“NTA, with the way your ex left (impulsive and dramatic), he likely has his own mental health issues he wasn’t dealing with. Honestly, him figuring out why he felt such an instant connection to this woman will likely play an important roll in figuring out and eventually dealing with what his own issues are.”
“I say that not to judge or to belittle either of them, but to reassure you that not only are you, not the AH, but ignoring it and letting him make those mistakes may very well be the thing that makes him finally get help. You did the right thing by butting out and focusing on yourself. It’s not only not your problem, but also the best thing you could do for ex’s long term healing.” – anon
“NTA. If you had of warned either of them, I guarantee you would have been painted as a bitter, jealous ex who wanted to sabotage their relationship. It’s not your fault that he’s butthurt by rashly jumping into a relationship without actually getting to know the woman properly.”
“You’re right; it wasn’t your place or your responsibility. Don’t feel guilty- he’s probably trying to shift the blame off himself for feeling crap about his poor decisions.”
“Honestly, I’d say the main emotion you should be feeling is relief that you didn’t end up married to this guy. You deserve a partner who respects you and is willing to match the energy you put into the relationship. I hope your next romance is a happier and healthier one OP.” – PhdamnD
“NTA How in the world did this person convince you you owe him a warning about the woman he married 6 months after he blew up your wedding? He would have just written it off as if you’re just jealous or want to ruin his life. No no no. His entire problem is you didn’t want him back. You didn’t fight for him. You were ok watching him screw his life up even more than he already did. He’s living regret to the fullest.” – Ok-Analyst-5801
Overall, Redditors thought the OP did the right thing by not intervening in her ex’s new troubled marriage since she owed him nothing.
They continued reassuring the OP that while the called off wedding was emotionally painful to deal with, not ending up with him was the best thing that could’ve happened to her.