A mom was stressed out while planning an elaborate sweet 16 birthday party for her daughter.
In the family, it’s a huge deal, but the birthday girl only had one specific request she asked of guest who are attending the specially-themed event.
When that request was challenged, the mom got caught in the middle of the conflict and made a firm stance that was met with drama
So she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Jamie12087 asked:
“AITA for siding with my daughter (15 f[emale]) when she enforced the no RED dress code w/ my aunt for her sweet 16?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“AITA or more like are we TA We have been working on my daughter’s (15f) Sweet 16 party planning for almost a year. My daughter picked the theme of Nightmare Before Christmas (NBC).”
“This is a formal/semi-formal event. She has been lax on letting her Aunts, Grandma, and cousins pick out almost everything except the colors and clothing assignment for Sweet 16 court. She chose basic colors of black, white, and purples for her main colors.”
“The guests pick a NBC character and use it as inspiration for their formal ware. Birthday Girl – Red Inspo (Jack as Santa)”
“Her ONLY parameters for her Sweet 16 was that she and her boyfriend be the ONLY ones to wear red because she wanted to be Jack when he turned into Santa Claus. She told all family and friends and made it VERY clear- NO RED.”
The OP continued:
“Now here is the part where I need to know AITA. The party is 6 days away, I ran into my Aunt, and she was very excited to show me a pic of her outfit. The shoes were beautiful but they worried me a little bc they had some red on them. I brushed it off bc who looks at shoes anyway.”
“Then she showed me a beautiful bright RED dress. I was shocked and it showed bc her smile fell and she looked at my mom and said ‘it isn’t red it’s burgundy. You told me I could wear it bc it isn’t red.’ My mom agreed it was much darker in person.”
“I was trying to fix my face and not panic. I told myself it would be ok and that I would talk to my daughter about it. Skip to a few hours later when I did talk to my daughter and was able to show her the dress picture.”
“My daughter asked if my aunt could please wear a different color dress but my aunt said no bc she ordered that dress for her party. My daughter told her it was the only rule she had and if she wasn’t willing to follow it she would miss having her there but if she was willing to change colors we would love to have her.”
“I backed my daughter up but my mom and sisters are upset with me bc ‘my aunt doesn’t have a lot of money and can’t buy another dress… or she won’t come if she can’t wear that dress.’ My daughter very clearly stated to them that she told my aunt and everyone else not to wear red and burgundy is a shade of red, she should have taken that into consideration when she ordered her dress.”
“She is sorry but she is not changing her mind not about this ONE thing. She gave into all the other things they wanted.”
“AITA for siding with my Daughter when she stuck to the no Red dress code for guests. Also for not giving in when they tried to guilt us about it.”
The OP explained how this in an important family tradition.
“There are a lot of people saying it is just a birthday party; however, it is not to my daughter. My mother started the tradition of giving her granddaughters a sweet 16 extravagant party when her first one was born 23 years ago.”
“She has given upwards of 5-7 so far, and it is finally my daughter’s turn. It is a right of passage at this point in our family. My daughter will have the court, the shoes, the dances, the tiara. Normally they get to plan every single thing with my mom, the aunts, and other female cousins.”
“So no this is not ‘just a birthday party.’ It is a once in a life time memorable moment in her life that she will never be able to replace.”
“My mother, two sisters, and two nieces are helping us plan the party. When trying to make decisions, my daughter just gave In to all their choices instead of making a fuss over things. She is not big and over the top but this type of party traditionally is.”
“They wanted her to wear two dresses: a big poofy ball gown and a slimmer one. She only wanted a slim one, but she ended up giving in to make my mom and sister happy. She did not want any alcohol at the party, period, but my sister begged and begged until she gave in and said not until after 10, and then they negotiated 9.”
“This incurred an extra cost for security. We don’t drink often and don’t have alcohol around our kids normally, but she felt if she didn’t give in, parts of my family wouldn’t come. She also gave in to the explicit songs being played, but she made that at a certain time frame also.”
“She gave in to it being formal/semi-formal. She let them have free reign over cake flavors, food, decorations, everything except colors. The ONE thing she got to keep was colors.”
“One thing you need to know about my daughter is she is normally very level-headed, laid back, and chilled. She is very mature and logical. She is very respectful and does not talk back to adults. However we have raised her to understand that she deserves respect also.”
“When we talked to my aunt via text message tonight, we very much tried to have her wear anything else other than red ‘burgundy’, but she said she would just not come if she couldn’t wear that dress. We would love for her to be there however I will not compromise my daughter’s boundaries for anyone. I don’t find it unreasonable.”
“My mom normally will loan dresses out to my aunt or help her buy them, but this time, she said no.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA party dress codes aren’t my thing, but to each their own. It’s her party, and she can set the dress code and select to hold the line on whole strictly it’s enforced.” – sun_and_stars8
“NTA. People saying yta because it’s just a birthday would lose their ever lovin’ minds at the thought of a quinceañera. I’ve seen videos of sweet 16 parties complete with courts, shoe ceremony, tiara ceremony, and father/daughter dance. This is your daughter’s celebration of approaching womanhood.”
“She gave the party planning reigns to others instead of commandeering it herself with the one exception of her picking the colors herself. She asked for no one else to wear red so that she can stand out on her big day. To me, it’s no different than the no white wedding rule or the bride requesting a color not to be worn because it’s the same color as her dress.”
“Have your daughter speak with your aunt herself and ask to see the dress in person. Maybe you’ll get lucky, and it is dark enough, but if not, you and your daughter need to put your foot down.” – OnSmallWings
“No it violates the dress code. Offer to help your aunt find something else that fits. If she refuses unfortunately, she can’t attend and they will have to celebrate with you some other time because you don’t want her to embarrass herself by being so disrespectful to the birthday girl.” – FaelingJester
“Hard NTA. I don’t like the idea of party dress codes for guests, but if I’m invited to one, I follow it or don’t go. It’s your daughters day and this aunt pointedly picked the color your daughter is trying to make part of what makes her feel special at her party (even if it’s on the line thats a dick move). you’re teaching your daughter she is allowed to set boundaries even with family. that makes you a great parent, not an AH. “ – Relative-Stuff-9048
“NTA. If she was wary of the color being too similar, she should’ve asked before purchasing it, especially if money is tight. If she truly wants to come and your daughter still wants her there, maybe you could offer her the money to buy a different colored dress, with the understanding that she pays you back with her refund when she returns the original red dress. Though as we all know, she may or may not pay you back.” – Far-Dare-6458
Overall, Redditors felt the OP’s daughter was rightfully the star of the show and, therefore, had every right to institute the no-red dress policy.
Despite the pushback, they also gave the OP props for standing by her daughter.