Pronunciation can be difficult.
It may take a little work to learn a person's unique name, but it is doable.
At least it's doable for people who want to learn.
Some people just go with their own interpretations.
Option two isn't always well received.
Redditor LilLustyLucy wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for correcting my I[n]-L[aw]s when they mispronounce my name?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (27 F[emale]) have a name that isn't super common in the U.S., but it's not that hard to pronounce."
"Think something like 'Leena,' but my in-laws keep saying 'Lana.'"
"It's a small difference, but it makes my name sound completely different."
"I've been with my husband (30 M[ale]) for five years, married for two, and his parents have never gotten it right."
"At first, I thought they just needed time to adjust."
"They're in their 60s, and I get that learning a new name might take a second."
"But we see them often, and I've corrected them so many times."
"My husband says I should let it go because 'it's not intentional,' but at what point does it stop being accidental and start being just… dismissive?"
"It's not like they struggle with pronunciation in general."
"They can say names like 'Giovanni' or 'Schwarzenegger' just fine."
"My husband's mom even talks about how much she loves learning about different cultures, but when it comes to my name, she always shrugs it off with, 'Well, you know who I mean!'"
"The last straw was at a family dinner last weekend."
"His mom was introducing me to her friend and said, 'This is our D[aughter]-I[n]-L[aw], Lana.'"
"I laughed a little and said, 'Almost! It's Leena.'"
"She sighed and said, 'Oh, you're so particular,' in front of everyone."
"It was embarrassing."
"I just smiled and let it go, but later, I told my husband I didn't think it was fair."
"He got defensive and said I was making his mom feel bad over something 'so small.'"
"I honestly don't think I'm being unreasonable."
"I'm not asking them to learn a new language, just my actual name."
"But now I feel like I'm being that person—overly sensitive and nitpicking."
"My best friend says I should just answer to it because 'older people don't change,' but I don't want to set the precedent that my name doesn't matter."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for continuing to correct them?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA at all."
"What are you being particular about?"
"That people know your actual name after five years?"
"They're almost certainly doing it on purpose, right?"
"Your husband sucks."
"How can he say you made his mom feel small by this one incident when he doesn't give a s**t that they can't get your name right after five years?"
"Like of course that will make you feel small!"
"Have you discussed this with him over the years?"
"How is he okay with this treatment of his wife?"
"What is he doing about it?"
"I'm really curious if there's some sort of racial or cultural dimension at play."
"Five years is a long time without any underlying issues." ~ Traditional_Bug_2046
"G[irl]F[riend], you're NTA but you have a husband problem, not just an in-law problem."
"He should have stepped in and shut this down immediately."
"They are being willfully rude and disrespectful and your husband should be on your side." ~ pacazpac
"NTA You look her in the face, and you say, 'If you don't learn my name, you will never know my children's.'"
"And then laugh."
"Cuz you can make jokes too."
"Sheesh. You can get them back if/when you do have kids."
"Whatever they want their grandparent's name to be."
"Change it."
"Mom wants Grandma and Grandpa."
"Now they are MeMaw and PopPop."
"Cuz names don't matter right?"
"Oh, this annoys me to no end." ~ Maleficent_Tailor
"NTA. Your in-laws are passive-aggressive jerks and are doing it intentionally knowing how disrespectful they are being."
"Also, your husband needs to grow a spine, he needs to stick up for you, and he needs to stop being such a mama's boy." ~ DA-7400
"NTA, but they are and so is your husband."
"After FIVE YEARS they still can't get it right----it IS intentional, and they have no respect for you AT ALL."
"They probably don't even like you. That includes your husband."
"Every time they say it wrong, and he doesn't correct them, he is choosing them over you." ~ CreativeMusic5121
"NTAH but your husband kind of is."
"And your M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] certainly is."
"I've become a firm believer of pausing, titling my head, and responding to passive-aggressive behavior like you MIL's with: 'Are you okay (name)?'"
"Discredit her."
"'(Name) has been confused for some time now. My name is Leena. It's okay (name), it's okay.'"
"Overly concerned, and condescending are the way I'd go with this."
"Admit nothing." ~ Objective_Purpose768
"Start mispronouncing your husband's and in-law's names."
"See how long it takes for them to have an issue with something 'so small'... NTA." ~ Crafty_Quantity_3162
"I'm 62 years old and sharp as a tack."
"People in their 60's aren't doddering old fools."
"Unless your in-laws have brain health issues this is 100% intentional."
"It's exactly what it looks like… disrespect."
"There's no way, after 5 years, they don't know your name."
"Your MIL is trying to tear you down bit by bit, piece by piece."
"She wants you gone."
"Now to the real issue."
"You have a HUSBAND PROBLEM."
"He's being as disrespectful as they are."
"This man thinks you should let his mother disrespect you day after day and year after year."
"He expects you to suck it up and take it? NO."
"Honestly I wouldn't go to their home anymore."
"No family dinners or outings. "
"It's time to cut them off."
"Stand your ground."
"If your husband refuses to have your back then you polish up your spine and make their disrespect of you the elephant in the room."
"Call them out!"
"Call them by the wrong name."
"Call your husband by the wrong name."
"Don't stop when they ask what you're doing."
"Keep it up!"
"If your shiny spine causes marriage problems, so be it."
"Your husband is a flaming AH, and he needs to realize that."
"I've been married 42 years and don't take divorce lightly, but this right here?"
"THIS would be my hill to die on."
"You have the power to stop this."
"Do it for you." ~ Ok_Clerk_6960
"NTA. It's very disrespectful of them to act like it doesn't matter."
"Try mispronouncing your husband's name to him for a day, and I bet he'll find it grating."
"I think it is important for you to get your husband to understand where you're coming from, even if he disagrees."
"But you may never change his parents." ~ WorriedConcentrate19
"NTA - the way she mentioned you were being particular, it appears as though she knows how to pronounce your name, or knows that it bothers you that she doesn't say it right."
"She just doesn't respect you enough to say it correctly after all these years."
"Correct them anytime it happens."
"If they get embarrassed because you are correcting their mispronunciation, then perhaps they should make sure they are pronouncing the name correctly."
"I hate when people attempt to gaslight you into making you feel bad for pointing out something like that."
"Your husband needs to support you more and not side with his parents." ~ blossom_angel1985
"NTA... that's absurd honestly for you to have been in their lives for this long and refusing to correctly pronounce your name."
"What happens if they were to do this with a future grandchild?"
"Would your husband be so quick to brush it off then?" ~ Dry-Rip-9598
"NTA. It's not small it's your f**king name."
"I honestly don't know what you can do other than calling them all the wrong names, starting with your husband."
"I think that's a ridiculous and petty thing to do, but nothing else has worked!" ~ Sweet_Cinnabonn
"NTA, but I hate to tell you, you have a husband problem."
"It's not a small thing. It's your identity, and the fact that they cannot respect that is a big and a major issue."
"If mother-in-law keeps it up, or the next time she brings it up, since your husband won't do s**t, look at her, and with all seriousness, ask father-in-law or your husband if they have taken her to the doctors yet to talk about the possibility."
"She hasn't Alzheimer's or dementia as one of the first signs of it is problems with names a grateful and obedient daughter-in-law you're worried about her health as she can't seem to remember a name with a little letters." ~ Difficult_Muscle9110
"NTA, but as the internet says, you don't have an in-law problem. You have a husband problem."
"He needs to have your back, and he should have shut this down years ago." ~ Azhreia
"I'm probably closer to your mil's age than your age, and unless these people have literal dementia, there is zero reason for this mistake."
"ZERO... and certainly not age. NTA." ~ thatotterone
"How have you not started mispronouncing their names?"
"You are much less petty than I am, and I don't think I'm a petty person by Reddit standards."
"Also, your husband needs to step the f**k up."
"I'd include him in the mispronunciation circle of pettiness. NTA." ~ IHaveBoxerDogs
"NTA. Stop responding when they call you by the wrong name."
"When MIL says 'you know who I mean' respond with 'No, I don't, because that's not my name.'"
"Then you need to have a conversation with your husband for allowing his parents to disrespect you for so many years." ~ CrystalTwylyght
"NTA, time to start mispronouncing their names."
"After all they aren't that particular about names being important and saying their names incorrectly is just a small thing."
"Joanne becomes Jo-aine, Paul becomes Poul." ~ mycatiskai42
"NTA. I have trouble pronouncing names sometimes."
"Especially when the name is common but the pronunciation is unusual."
"I had sympathy for MIL until she accused you of being too particular."
"Now I think she's doing it on purpose."
"Maybe you can train her with one of those dog clickers, lol." ~ Honest_Housing_4704
"NTA. And they can absolutely change."
"Just gotta find the right button to push."
"As others have said, changing their names could work."
"So could asking your husband to stay home next time they invite him and 'Lana' over?" ~ DadOfKingOfWombats
"NTA. I have a name that is common enough."
"It's very easily shortened (Think Matthew shortened to Matt)."
"I prefer the full-length version to the shortened one."
"I always introduce myself by the full name, not the short form."
"For co-workers and random people, if addressed by the short name, I quietly judge them and move on."
"If a member of your immediate family continuously used the short name, that's personal and passive-aggressive."
"Even if the 'mistake' was truly accidental, that itself shows a level of thoughtlessness that speaks volumes."
"If you haven't already, explain to your husband how you feel and let the matter drop."
"They are his parents and he should be the one to talk to them."
"Or, if he doesn't, it will be him that bears the brunt of your weakened relationship with his parents."
"If you address it directly again, your status may step down a notch worse than 'particular', which won't benefit anybody." ~ AutomaticMonk
"NTA. Refusing to learn someone's name is a high degree of disrespect."
"Start mispronouncing theirs."
"However, I wanna say one thing, people can say Schwarzenegger and Giovanni because those are famous people's names."
"Still a**hole of them not to learn yours when they're literally your in-laws." ~ YourPainTastesGood
"NTA. I have some criminal side eye for OP's husband, it's time for him to remember who he made his vows to, it is absolutely intentional after FIVE YEARS."
"Heck after 2 months I would have put my foot down."
"I suggest that sickly sweet voice as you ask them if they have memory problems, or treat them like children." ~ briarrosamelia
"NTA. I had someone do this to me for a year then I just started doing it right back."
"Instead of Jannette I called her Janet and she said oh it's blah blah and I just looked at her and repeated what she'd said to me so many times."
"It only took a few times of that or 'oh I'm pretty sure I said Jannette' before she finally seemed to get it right."
"Give it a try." ~ SlothOctopus
"NTA. This is a micro-aggression."
"They know good and well what they are doing."
"Your husband not standing up to them all this time is concerning."
"And his dismissal of your feelings on the matter is also concerning."
"They all seem not to respect you or care about your feelings, and they don't seem to have a problem with making you feel not-so-great." ~ HellaciousFire
"NTA, but your husband and MIL are TA."
"Your husband should have corrected her from day 1."
"There's no excuse for her to not know her D[aughter]-I[n]-L[aw]'s name!"
"Start calling her Barbara instead of Brenda and I bet she corrects you instantly."
"Good luck!" ~ arresteddevelopment9
"NTA. At this point, she is low-key insulting you on purpose."
"So just energy match."
"Every time she/they get your name wrong call her by the wrong name, eg Hilda, Betty… whatever."
"And inform her that you know she is an intelligent human being and from now on you are just going to match her energy."
"See how long it will take for her to stop." ~ Lucky_Respect5496
"NTA — Do you call your in-laws by their names?"
"If so, I would pick a slightly different but similar name for each one of them and start only calling them that."
"Bonus points if it's a name from your culture versus theirs." ~ icebluefrost
"Oh, honey. It's only going to go downhill from here."
"Your MIL is doing this on purpose and I am sorry you don't have a supportive husband."
"NTA." ~ ArdenElle24
Reddit is with you, OP.
After these many years, there is no excuse (except for ignorance) for your in-laws not knowing the correct pronunciation of your name.
You had every right to correct her.
Plus, you were being nice about it.
It's time for your hubby to step up.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp