Though it isn't a visible trait that we carry, one of the greatest identifying features any of us has is our names, our first for who we are as individuals and our last for where we come from.
It can be really frustrating when we're landed with a name that we don't like, or which is difficult to pronounce or spell, sympathized the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
The Redditor, who has since deleted her account, had a very difficult-to-pronounce last name of German origin, and so was considering changing her last name to something that was easier to pronounce and more fitting to her personality.
But when she thought about having to tell her family that she wanted to change her name, the Original Poster (OP) dreaded the idea so much that she considered not telling them at all.
She asked the sub:
"Would I be the a**hole (WIBTA) for secretly changing my name?"
After nearly 30 years, the OP was strongly considering changing her name.
"I (27 Female) hate my last name."
"It’s German, very hard to pronounce, and a pain to spell out to others. And honestly, I just want a nicer-sounding name (Call me conceited, but try living with people fumbling it for 27 years and then we’ll talk!).
"Anyways, the long and short is that I would really like to change my last name."
"Not just to any name, but one that’s meaningful to me."
"I’m single and have been for a while now. Marriage used to be my light at the end of the tunnel of changing my last name, but as I get older, the less likely that seems, and honestly, the less I want it. I just want a name that is my own."
The OP tried to broach the subject with a distant family member.
"I’ve spoken to one distant family member about my desires, and they were a little p**sed and honestly confused about why I’d want to change my last name when I will 'probably get married someday anyway.'"
"I tried to explain the above; that dating hasn’t been great for me, and the less I want it over time, since I have a very successful and fulfilling single life."
"I also tried to explain that it’s just something I want to do, it’s my choice, and since it doesn’t affect anyone else, what’s the problem?"
She absolutely dreaded the thought of having to share her decision with the rest of her family.
"This family member said that even if I do it in secret, my immediate family could find out, and I could risk making them feel like I don’t want to be a part of my family anymore."
"Of course, I expressed that it isn’t the case, and I love my family dearly."
"But I do see where she’s coming from and that it would separate me in name from my dad, mum, brother, etc., and the last thing I’d want to do is upset them."
"So what do you think? Would I be the a**hole for secretly changing my last name?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some griped about the hypocrisy of changing a last name for marital purposes versus personal reasons.
"So they wouldn’t have a problem with you changing your name for a man. But suddenly see it as a problem when you do it for you? NTA, change your name. It’s a name." - Large_Independent198
"Ever since I immigrated to the US, I have had to spell my first and last name for everyone. Quite the adjustment when everyone in my native South Africa, and likely also most of Europe, know how to spell both. I've even changed how I pronounce both my first and last names to make it easier for Americans! Sometimes I half-heartedly think about changing my name, too." - ReluctantAvenger
"Be upfront about your decision. Hiding it will only hurt them more, when they find out (and chances are they will)."
"If you don't want to date or get married, don't. But 27 seems awfully young to give up. People get married older than you are all the time. I was 30 myself, and I am honestly glad I waited. All you can choose this meaningful name and keep it even if you do get married. There is no law saying you have to change your name when you get married." - Rose_in_Winter
"YTA. You don't need their permission, but you have to tell them. If only so they can adjust contact lists and such."
"Or just use a pseudonym. You really don't have to "use" your legal name all the time, just on legal documents, but given it's likely your family has legal documents (wills/life insurance/emergency contacts/etc) that list your current name, you need to tell them." - pottersquash
"Absolutely NTA. Do what makes you happy."
"I have a very uncommon last name. If one of my kids changed their last name, I would not be upset with them. I might be sad for a little bit, but I would not be upset with them, if that makes sense. It definitely would not change how I viewed them." - tcrudisi
Others pointed out to the OP that eventually her family would find out, and it'd be much worse if they didn't hear the news directly from her.
"NTA. It's your name, but honestly, you come across as very immature."
"Your family will find out at some point. Your whole reason to change it is so that other people will know it and call you by it, right? So it stands to reason EVENTUALLY someone will call you by it in front of your folks."
"Either have the conviction to do it openly and own the fact that it's for a superficial reason, or don't do it. But doing it secretly and hoping no one finds out is silly." - Best_Tumbleweed6931
"As someone living with a difficult German last name for the last 35+ years, NTA. They can change their name for whatever reason. But the reasons and method of changing it do seem immature, and as they said themselves, conceited." - dandelion-17
"I suggest presenting your new name as a done deal. That way, you don't have to defend the name specifically or your decision in general."
"When I decided to do something I knew my family would object to (bariatric surgery), I told them after it was done. I responded to everything negative with, 'It's a shame you feel that way, but it was important to me. I'm sure you will get used to it.'" - ItchyCredit
"The secret part is something I’d be careful of. When I changed my name (including last), I made a post explaining why (felt it didn’t reflect me), and why I selected the names that I did, including taking up my paternal grandmother’s maiden name."
"I think that’s helped a lot with maintaining the connection and making the adjustment easier."
"NTA, but please think about it." - Lil_Ms_Scare-All
"You're NTA for wanting to change your name, but if you are on good terms with your family, it is a bad idea for it to be SECRET."
"The whole point of wanting to change your name is so people don't mispronounce it, so it's inherently public, so sooner or later, your family will find out."
"It will be more hurtful if it is a secret than if you address it with them beforehand. It's probably very likely they will be upset about it, but they need to not take it personally and get over it. But that is much less reasonable to ask that of them if it is a secret you are keeping from them." - Jakyland
After receiving feedback, the OP appreciated everyone's honesty.
"I can’t believe this post has got this much attention so quickly! Thanks for all your comments."
"From what I’ve read so far, a lot of you’re right that it might just be better to 'rip the Band-Aid off' and tell my family rather than keeping it a secret."
"It may be ugly at first, but it would save a lot of hassle down the road if they figure out I’ve been keeping it from them for however long."
The subReddit could understand the reasons why the OP wanted to change her last name and showed her resounding support for wanting to do so, even though they found her execution questionable.
It was one thing to choose a new name that was meaningful to her and made her feel more herself, and it was another thing entirely to change her name, just to have to keep it a secret, because she wanted to avoid a conflict with her family.
If it was that important to her to follow through with, then it was important enough to fight for, even if the "fight" was a sensitive conversation with her family. If they were as close as she described, they'd likely take it better than she was giving them credit for.
