Though it isn't a visible trait that we carry, one of the greatest identifying features any of us has is our names, our first for who we are as individuals and our last for where we come from.
It can be really frustrating when we're landed with a name that we don't like, or which is difficult to pronounce or spell, sympathized the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
The Redditor, who has since deleted her account, had a very difficult-to-pronounce last name of German origin, and so was considering changing her last name to something that was easier to pronounce and more fitting to her personality.
But when she thought about having to tell her family that she wanted to change her name, the Original Poster (OP) dreaded the idea so much that she considered not telling them at all.
She asked the sub:
"Would I be the a**hole (WIBTA) for secretly changing my name?"
After nearly 30 years, the OP was strongly considering changing her name.
"I (27 Female) hate my last name."
"It’s German, very hard to pronounce, and a pain to spell out to others. And honestly, I just want a nicer-sounding name (Call me conceited, but try living with people fumbling it for 27 years and then we’ll talk!).
"Anyways, the long and short is that I would really like to change my last name."
"Not just to any name, but one that’s meaningful to me."
"I’m single and have been for a while now. Marriage used to be my light at the end of the tunnel of changing my last name, but as I get older, the less likely that seems, and honestly, the less I want it. I just want a name that is my own."
The OP tried to broach the subject with a distant family member.
"I’ve spoken to one distant family member about my desires, and they were a little p**sed and honestly confused about why I’d want to change my last name when I will 'probably get married someday anyway.'"
"I tried to explain the above; that dating hasn’t been great for me, and the less I want it over time, since I have a very successful and fulfilling single life."
"I also tried to explain that it’s just something I want to do, it’s my choice, and since it doesn’t affect anyone else, what’s the problem?"
She absolutely dreaded the thought of having to share her decision with the rest of her family.
"This family member said that even if I do it in secret, my immediate family could find out, and I could risk making them feel like I don’t want to be a part of my family anymore."
"Of course, I expressed that it isn’t the case, and I love my family dearly."
"But I do see where she’s coming from and that it would separate me in name from my dad, mum, brother, etc., and the last thing I’d want to do is upset them."
"So what do you think? Would I be the a**hole for secretly changing my last name?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some griped about the hypocrisy of changing a last name for marital purposes versus personal reasons.
"So they wouldn’t have a problem with you changing your name for a man. But suddenly see it as a problem when you do it for you? NTA, change your name. It’s a name." - Large_Independent198
"Ever since I immigrated to the US, I have had to spell my first and last name for everyone. Quite the adjustment when everyone in my native South Africa, and likely also most of Europe, know how to spell both. I've even changed how I pronounce both my first and last names to make it easier for Americans! Sometimes I half-heartedly think about changing my name, too." - ReluctantAvenger
"Be upfront about your decision. Hiding it will only hurt them more, when they find out (and chances are they will)."
"If you don't want to date or get married, don't. But 27 seems awfully young to give up. People get married older than you are all the time. I was 30 myself, and I am honestly glad I waited. All you can choose this meaningful name and keep it even if you do get married. There is no law saying you have to change your name when you get married." - Rose_in_Winter
"YTA. You don't need their permission, but you have to tell them. If only so they can adjust contact lists and such."
"Or just use a pseudonym. You really don't have to "use" your legal name all the time, just on legal documents, but given it's likely your family has legal documents (wills/life insurance/emergency contacts/etc) that list your current name, you need to tell them." - pottersquash
"Absolutely NTA. Do what makes you happy."
"I have a very uncommon last name. If one of my kids changed their last name, I would not be upset with them. I might be sad for a little bit, but I would not be upset with them, if that makes sense. It definitely would not change how I viewed them." - tcrudisi
Others pointed out to the OP that eventually her family would find out, and it'd be much worse if they didn't hear the news directly from her.
"NTA. It's your name, but honestly, you come across as very immature."
"Your family will find out at some point. Your whole reason to change it is so that other people will know it and call you by it, right? So it stands to reason EVENTUALLY someone will call you by it in front of your folks."
"Either have the conviction to do it openly and own the fact that it's for a superficial reason, or don't do it. But doing it secretly and hoping no one finds out is silly." - Best_Tumbleweed6931
"As someone living with a difficult German last name for the last 35+ years, NTA. They can change their name for whatever reason. But the reasons and method of changing it do seem immature, and as they said themselves, conceited." - dandelion-17
"I suggest presenting your new name as a done deal. That way, you don't have to defend the name specifically or your decision in general."
"When I decided to do something I knew my family would object to (bariatric surgery), I told them after it was done. I responded to everything negative with, 'It's a shame you feel that way, but it was important to me. I'm sure you will get used to it.'" - ItchyCredit
"The secret part is something I’d be careful of. When I changed my name (including last), I made a post explaining why (felt it didn’t reflect me), and why I selected the names that I did, including taking up my paternal grandmother’s maiden name."
"I think that’s helped a lot with maintaining the connection and making the adjustment easier."
"NTA, but please think about it." - Lil_Ms_Scare-All
"You're NTA for wanting to change your name, but if you are on good terms with your family, it is a bad idea for it to be SECRET."
"The whole point of wanting to change your name is so people don't mispronounce it, so it's inherently public, so sooner or later, your family will find out."
"It will be more hurtful if it is a secret than if you address it with them beforehand. It's probably very likely they will be upset about it, but they need to not take it personally and get over it. But that is much less reasonable to ask that of them if it is a secret you are keeping from them." - Jakyland
After receiving feedback, the OP appreciated everyone's honesty.
"I can’t believe this post has got this much attention so quickly! Thanks for all your comments."
"From what I’ve read so far, a lot of you’re right that it might just be better to 'rip the Band-Aid off' and tell my family rather than keeping it a secret."
"It may be ugly at first, but it would save a lot of hassle down the road if they figure out I’ve been keeping it from them for however long."
The subReddit could understand the reasons why the OP wanted to change her last name and showed her resounding support for wanting to do so, even though they found her execution questionable.
It was one thing to choose a new name that was meaningful to her and made her feel more herself, and it was another thing entirely to change her name, just to have to keep it a secret, because she wanted to avoid a conflict with her family.
If it was that important to her to follow through with, then it was important enough to fight for, even if the "fight" was a sensitive conversation with her family. If they were as close as she described, they'd likely take it better than she was giving them credit for.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp