New moms frequently get shamed for breastfeeding, specifically because it involves a body part that frequently gets a lot of other attention in the media.
While it might be okay to not want to see a mom breastfeeding, it's not okay to shame her for doing it or to sexualize the act of feeding her baby, pointed out the users of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit. It's easy enough to just look away!
Redditor CompleteEnthusiasm28 was a new mom and had decided to breastfeed her son, but she frequently was criticized by her parents-in-law for being too "public" and "revealing" while doing so.
When they went so far as to criticize her in her own home, the Original Poster (OP) didn't know what to do.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for breastfeeding my son around my father-in-law (FIL) despite him getting upset?"
The OP added some context.
"I (23F) recently had my first child and have been breastfeeding. I don't use a cover because my baby doesn't like it. My husband's parents have commented in the past about my breastfeeding, saying I don't need to be doing it in public, "distracting" and "showing myself" to people other than my husband, because it can wait until I can do it privately at home."
"The issue recently happened when my FIL came over to visit. He made a comment to my husband that I managed to overhear about how my top was showing a lot. I did notice him glancing down there a few times. I wasn't wearing anything revealing really - just a normal top - but I do have a bigger chest, and a little skin was visible."
"I know my husband's parents don't like me nursing around them or near them. My husband had asked me previously if I could do it in my room so as not to cause a fuss when they're over. I was nursing in my room upstairs that day, but I was getting tired (I haven't been getting much sleep, taking care of my baby), constantly going upstairs, and my baby was hungry."
"They were all busy outside and I was in the living room alone. I pulled my top down a little and started nursing my baby, but then my FIL came back into the room after coming back in the house, and looked right at me and huffed a little."
"My husband and MIL followed him into the room, and she said, "You don't have to do that here, do you?" to which I didn't really know how to respond. My FIL, who moved more into the room in front of me and was looking right at my chest, muttered under his breath, "I'll just start walking around with my junk out, huh".
"My MIL told me to take it to my room so her husband didn't have to 'see it all hanging out' and she motioned to her chest. I was just looking back at them, not knowing what to say. I kind of froze and just continued breastfeeding my son, and they just stood there watching like they were expecting me to move, and I just felt exposed and shy, wishing I had just done it in my room."
"My husband got them to calm down, and eventually, his parents left the room with a little huff. My husband went and got me a glass of water. It got a little awkward after that. I'm not really confrontational, and for the rest of that day until they left, I just went to my room quietly to do it."
They've commented like this before, and it's hurt my confidence, for example, in breastfeeding in public. I really didn't mean anything and was just trying to feed my son."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that feeding her baby was not the same as being "revealing."
"NTA. You are not flaunting your bare breasts; you are feeding a baby."
"Next time they say something, reply by saying, 'My breasts are for feeding my child, not for your sexual enjoyment. If you can't handle that, you need to remove yourself as I will not make myself or my baby uncomfortable because you can't avert your gaze.'" - Extra-Visit-8385
"The OP should say, 'It seems like you're pretty bothered by seeing a baby get fed, and since that's going to be happening on baby's timeline for the foreseeable future, you'd better leave. Maybe we can try visiting again once she's transitioned off milk. They don't recommend doing that until about a year old, so it'll be a while. Bye!'" - abishop711
"She should ask them why they are sexualizing OP feeding her baby, because I don't see how feeding otherwise would be uncomfortable for them." - Piffli
"'You don't have to do that here, do you?' Do what? Feed your baby? In yours and the baby's own home?"
"Who the f**k do these people think they are? NTA, but I would stop inviting these weirdos over." - keatonpotat0es
"Back in the day when I was nursing, I once had someone who had the temerity to tell me while I was feeding my child that 'you need to go into the restroom to do that.'"
"I was in a casual restaurant, eating with one hand, and feeding my baby with the other. I just looked the woman right in the eye and said, 'I don't know how you do things in your family, but in my family, eating in the bathroom just ISN'T done.'" - HoneyedVinegar42
Others urged the OP to talk to her husband and make sure he was on her side.
"OP, next time if I were you, I would say, 'Oh right, I forgot how bothered you are by this. Well, I'll probably be another 10 minutes, so you can step out. I'll let you know when it's safe to come back in.'"
"The OP was totally in the right, especially since she had settled there because MIL and FIL were outside with her husband. They are just hateful. They should be thanking her for taking such good care of their grandchild. This is her home and they need to chill out."
"She is exhausted and doing her best, and all they can do is criticize her. Awful people but the worst part of this is that her husband needs to (and should've already) shut them down. He should have told them that his wife is the QUEEN in their home and if they make one more smart a** remark they won't be invited over again until they can truly apologize and never talk that way to her again."
"The husband needs to take this responsibility during this most challenging time of parenting, and she is responsible for the majority of it. OP, please help him understand the need for him to fully back you by not allowing one more nasty remark out of his parents without kicking them out." - Agile_Menu_9776
"OP has a husband problem. He should have told them to leave! If they have issues with her feeding their grandchild, they don't need to see him or be around him. They can kick rocks until after he's weaned, and honestly, maybe even then." - TieNervous9815
"It sounds like not only is the OP's husband unwilling to stand up to his parents, but he's one of them. It's disgusting."
"The divorce sounds inevitable. If he can't defend his wife feeding his child, this isn't going to be the only time he throws her under the bus." - res06myi
"Going forward, the OP should use any and all of these phrases, and they would be super easy for her husband to paraphrase and use, as well, as he SHOULD."
'I'm feeding my child in my own home. If you have a problem with it, leave.'"
"'You don't think parents should feed their children?'"
"'A polite person would just look away, or leave the room if they really felt uncomfortable.'"
"'Are you intentionally trying to out yourself as a pervert who must stare at any breast they see? Seems like you have a problem if you aren't able to control yourself.'"
"'Oh sorry, I wasn't aware you hadn't been educated on the human body and didn't know the purpose of the breasts is to feed a baby.'" - believehype1616
"I think the easiest suggestion is until the OP stops breastfeeding, they don't see the kid. That way their delicate sensibilities won't be offended. I seriously wouldn't invite them over."
"And I wouldn't bring the baby to see them, either. If they don't understand how babies are fed, they shouldn't be around them."
"And if my father-in-law can't keep his eyes to himself, I would never be around him again."
"I would just say, 'I'm exhausted and FEEDING my baby. If you don't like it, then get the f**k out of my house. You don't have to be here, after all. We do. If feeding my child is so offensive to you, get out. Don't let my door hit your a** on the way out. I like my door.'"
"And also, all of these same rules apply to the OP's husband if he cannot grow up and support his wife and child in the most basic human way possible." - Viperbunny
The subReddit was alarmed by how the OP was being treated by her parents-in-law but also by the silence of her husband. It seemed if the parents-in-law couldn't wrap their minds around how the OP was providing a basic human need to her baby in the way that was best for her and her baby, they didn't need to be around their grandchild.
And if the husband couldn't support his wife and child, maybe he didn't need to be around his baby, either.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp