There are so many decisions to make when planning a wedding.
Who to invite?
Who NOT to invite?
The food, the venue... the music.
And every couple wants the perfect song for a perfect first dance.
But even that aspect can turn bittersweet.
Case in point...
Redditor throwawayaccount_978 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not wanting to change my first dance song because of my step sister's association with it?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"We've chosen our first dance song."
"My step-sister is not at all happy because she and her ex-husband also had this at their wedding, and she said she has a lot of memories with this particular song."
"She asked if I could change it, I told her I get it, but this is what we want, and I don't want to change it."
"She said she understood, but she's been acting different around me and I could tell she was mad/upset."
"Most people who know about this don't think I'm doing anything wrong."
"But I had my sister and one of my friends tell me I'm being selfish and not understanding here."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
"I changed my father/daughter dance song at my wedding because my little sister had always dreamed about dancing with our dad to that song at her own wedding."
"They had done a father/daughter dance to that song in a dance class when she was like six, and it's one of her favorite memories."
"She wasn't even dating anyone at the time, but I wasn't going to take away the one thing she wanted for her wedding when I could easily pick another song."
"I doubt anyone would notice if we used the same song, but it wasn't an important song to me, so I changed it."
"I can't even imagine treating my sister, step or not, so callously. It's just cruel." ~ URSmarterThanILook
"This song isn't even special to OP."
"That's what I'm curious about - OP hasn't said a word about why she picked it, other than 'it's a really nice song.'"
"Of all the 'really nice songs"' in the world, how did OP get set on the one from her step-sister's wedding?"
"What a yucky person."
"YTA, in case it wasn't clear." ~ PerturbedHamster
"YTA- Just because it is your wedding doesn't mean you resigned from the human race."
"No need to use that song, and why would you put your sister through the experience?"
"Find another song to you don't have any emotional attachment." ~ sticksnstone
"Well I'm also wondering what this song means to OP instead of just 'it's a nice song, and I don't want to change it.'"
"Where did you first hear it, OP?"
"Your sister's wedding?"
"Because if so: it's inappropriate. If there's no profound emotional connection to this song, like it being YOUR song with your fiancée, but instead it's just a cute love song, you should change it."
"There's how many other love songs in existence that equally have no meaning to you, yet you choose this one???? YTA." ~ kezie26
Some people are asking to edit my comments, so here they are:
"Yes. A few months after they got married, he was in a wreck."
"He thankfully survived but has a very severe T[raumatic] b[rain] i[njury] (among other things)."
"He lives in a specialized nursing home."
"They did get divorced, but my sister still goes on about how she loves him and visits him occasionally."
"He doesn't remember who she is most of the time, but my sister said she apparently sang this song to him, and he 'looks like he remembers her' (her words)."
"The song is Come What May (from the movie Moulin Rouge)."
"My sister sees it as 'their' song. She and her ex first met at the movies when they both went to watch it."
"Then apparently, the restaurant they went to for their first date was also playing it, so they took it as a sign."
"And as I said, they also played it at their wedding."
"She also sings it to him sometimes now."
"I think it's a really nice song, and I'd like to play it too."
"I don't want to have to change it."
Reddit continued...
"YTA, you can find another song. They can not."
"Show some class and maturity. There are a million love songs out there just as good as Come What May."
"Might I recommend looking at soundtracks for other love-related movies if that's your thing as well?"
"You'll find choosing another song can be fun for you two to do together."
"We can't always be 'Mr me me.'" ~ LeiasRevenge
"YTA 100%!"
"You have zero attachment to a song that symbolizes your step-sister's love!"
"The fact that it's the only thing that gets the love of her life even to remember her makes it so much worse!"
"You heard it at HER wedding as HER first dance song and decided to copy it."
"Yes, it's your wedding, and yes she doesn't own the song."
"But the fact that it's associated with her severely injured ex, where one of their last happy memories was dancing to that song, and he doesn't remember her but still remembers that moment; makes you a total AH."
"Find another song if you want to keep your step-sister in your life."
"I would never talk to you again if you didn't change it."
"There are thousands of other songs that sound nice; pick one of those." ~ bjorn_da_unicorn
"The whole 'she goes on about how she still loves him' bit she added was appalling!"
"These two people were thrust through something traumatic, and this song has been the tether through all of it."
"OP dismisses all of it with. The song is pretty, I like it, she's silly."
"I just... hollllly crap." ~ Plenty_Map_515
"I can't understand people like OP."
"This whole scenario is so selfish."
"There are SO MANY SONGS out there, and OP just thinks this one particular song 'sounds nice??'"
"Yeah, right. We can all see your nasty, selfish motives, OP."
"Leave your sister alone and PICK SOMETHING ELSE!!" ~ whenthecatmeows
"YTA. Why would you want to use the song of a divorced couple that you know?"
"You say yourself the song isn't actually important to you, but you outline how it is to her."
"This is weird."
"ETA. This is even weirder now that I read your comment about how he's suffering from a TBI, and she sings to him to get him to remember her."
"This is borderline creepy."
"Have you told your fiancée about this association with the song?"
"Do you even like your stepsister?"
"Yea you can use any song you want, but in this circumstance, it seems oddly targeted."
"This also seems like it would take away from your day and your fiancée while also making your stepsister and potentially other family members uncomfortable." ~ Specialist_Note7224
"YTA. Anyone saying otherwise hasn't heard the full story."
"You have no attachment to the song."
"Your step-sister has emotional attachment to the song and still sings it to her ex-husband, whom she is only divorced from because he has brain trauma from an accident and lives in a nursing home."
"YTA… a huge one." ~ imnotcreative-ugh
"Was prepared to say N/T/A based on the main post but finding out that there is no special connection to the song."
"And that you liked it at your sister's wedding now reeks of some kind of weird dynamic. YTA." ~ thistreestands
"YTA. You have no other connection to that song than liking it when you heard it at your sister's wedding."
"Knowing this and her background story and connection to that song clearly makes you TA in this story."
"Whatever makes you want to hurt your sister like this... is it really worth it?"
"What has she done to you that you want to take revenge on her on your wedding day?" ~ Willing-Rip-8761
"YTA. After reading the your comments, I have no clue WHY you want this as your wedding song."
"You KNOW it has huge emotional significance to someone else in your life."
"You KNOW how devastating it will be for her to watch you basically recreate her special moment while the person she loves doesn't even remember her."
"Why would you want all this associated with your first dance as a married couple?"
"Would you not at least be thinking of how miserable she is during your dance?"
"And you just want the song because it sounds nice?"
"It feels almost spiteful is there some info you're leaving out here?" ~ pyrospheres
"YTA. Your step-sister's ex-husband no longer remembers her due to a TBI."
"The song has special importance to your step-sister because when she sings it to her ex, he recognizes her."
"You know the importance of the song to your step-sister."
"The song doesn't have any importance to you as a couple."
"Why are you insisting it be your wedding song?" ~ soph_lurk_2018
"YTA. It's always the posts like these where they leave out the TRAUMATIC ACCIDENT or whatever so they feel validated."
"Seek therapy, OP!!" ~ sketchyhotgirl
OP, Reddit is not too happy with your choice.
There are a lot of songs to choose from.
You may want to look over some other song books.
Perhaps you can find something that's more meaningful to you and your partner.
But it is your wedding, and you get to decide.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp