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Bride Called ‘Selfish’ For Refusing Stepsister’s Request To Change Triggering Song For First Dance

A bride and groom dance
Yauheni Rak/GettyImages

There are so many decisions to make when planning a wedding.

Who to invite?

Who NOT to invite?

The food, the venue… the music.

And every couple wants the perfect song for a perfect first dance.

But even that aspect can turn bittersweet.

Case in point…

Redditor throwawayaccount_978 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.

She asked:

“AITA for not wanting to change my first dance song because of my step sister’s association with it?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“We’ve chosen our first dance song.”

“My step-sister is not at all happy because she and her ex-husband also had this at their wedding, and she said she has a lot of memories with this particular song.”

“She asked if I could change it, I told her I get it, but this is what we want, and I don’t want to change it.”

“She said she understood, but she’s been acting different around me and I could tell she was mad/upset.”

“Most people who know about this don’t think I’m doing anything wrong.”

“But I had my sister and one of my friends tell me I’m being selfish and not understanding here.”


Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.

“I changed my father/daughter dance song at my wedding because my little sister had always dreamed about dancing with our dad to that song at her own wedding.”

“They had done a father/daughter dance to that song in a dance class when she was like six, and it’s one of her favorite memories.”

“She wasn’t even dating anyone at the time, but I wasn’t going to take away the one thing she wanted for her wedding when I could easily pick another song.”

“I doubt anyone would notice if we used the same song, but it wasn’t an important song to me, so I changed it.”

“I can’t even imagine treating my sister, step or not, so callously. It’s just cruel.” ~ URSmarterThanILook

“This song isn’t even special to OP.”

“That’s what I’m curious about – OP hasn’t said a word about why she picked it, other than ‘it’s a really nice song.'”

“Of all the ‘really nice songs”‘ in the world, how did OP get set on the one from her step-sister’s wedding?”

“What a yucky person.”

“YTA, in case it wasn’t clear.”  ~ PerturbedHamster

“YTA- Just because it is your wedding doesn’t mean you resigned from the human race.”

“No need to use that song, and why would you put your sister through the experience?”

“Find another song to you don’t have any emotional attachment.”  ~ sticksnstone

“Well I’m also wondering what this song means to OP instead of just ‘it’s a nice song, and I don’t want to change it.'”

“Where did you first hear it, OP?”

“Your sister’s wedding?”

“Because if so: it’s inappropriate. If there’s no profound emotional connection to this song, like it being YOUR song with your fiancée, but instead it’s just a cute love song, you should change it.”

“There’s how many other love songs in existence that equally have no meaning to you, yet you choose this one???? YTA.” ~ kezie26

Some people are asking to edit my comments, so here they are:

“Yes. A few months after they got married, he was in a wreck.”

“He thankfully survived but has a very severe T[raumatic] b[rain] i[njury] (among other things).”

“He lives in a specialized nursing home.”

“They did get divorced, but my sister still goes on about how she loves him and visits him occasionally.”

“He doesn’t remember who she is most of the time, but my sister said she apparently sang this song to him, and he ‘looks like he remembers her’ (her words).”

“The song is Come What May (from the movie Moulin Rouge).”

“My sister sees it as ‘their’ song. She and her ex first met at the movies when they both went to watch it.”

“Then apparently, the restaurant they went to for their first date was also playing it, so they took it as a sign.”

“And as I said, they also played it at their wedding.”

“She also sings it to him sometimes now.”

“I think it’s a really nice song, and I’d like to play it too.”

“I don’t want to have to change it.”

Reddit continued…

“YTA, you can find another song. They can not.”

“Show some class and maturity. There are a million love songs out there just as good as Come What May.”

“Might I recommend looking at soundtracks for other love-related movies if that’s your thing as well?”

“You’ll find choosing another song can be fun for you two to do together.”

“We can’t always be ‘Mr me me.'”  ~ LeiasRevenge

“YTA 100%!”

“You have zero attachment to a song that symbolizes your step-sister’s love!”

“The fact that it’s the only thing that gets the love of her life even to remember her makes it so much worse!”

“You heard it at HER wedding as HER first dance song and decided to copy it.”

“Yes, it’s your wedding, and yes she doesn’t own the song.”

“But the fact that it’s associated with her severely injured ex, where one of their last happy memories was dancing to that song, and he doesn’t remember her but still remembers that moment; makes you a total AH.”

“Find another song if you want to keep your step-sister in your life.”

“I would never talk to you again if you didn’t change it.”

“There are thousands of other songs that sound nice; pick one of those.” ~ bjorn_da_unicorn

“The whole ‘she goes on about how she still loves him’ bit she added was appalling!”

“These two people were thrust through something traumatic, and this song has been the tether through all of it.”

“OP dismisses all of it with. The song is pretty, I like it, she’s silly.”

“I just… hollllly crap.”  ~ Plenty_Map_515

“I can’t understand people like OP.”

“This whole scenario is so selfish.”

“There are SO MANY SONGS out there, and OP just thinks this one particular song ‘sounds nice??'”

“Yeah, right. We can all see your nasty, selfish motives, OP.”

“Leave your sister alone and PICK SOMETHING ELSE!!” ~ whenthecatmeows

“YTA. Why would you want to use the song of a divorced couple that you know?”

“You say yourself the song isn’t actually important to you, but you outline how it is to her.”

“This is weird.”

“ETA. This is even weirder now that I read your comment about how he’s suffering from a TBI, and she sings to him to get him to remember her.”

“This is borderline creepy.”

“Have you told your fiancée about this association with the song?”

“Do you even like your stepsister?”

“Yea you can use any song you want, but in this circumstance, it seems oddly targeted.”

“This also seems like it would take away from your day and your fiancée while also making your stepsister and potentially other family members uncomfortable.” ~ Specialist_Note7224

“YTA. Anyone saying otherwise hasn’t heard the full story.”

“You have no attachment to the song.”

“Your step-sister has emotional attachment to the song and still sings it to her ex-husband, whom she is only divorced from because he has brain trauma from an accident and lives in a nursing home.”

“YTA… a huge one.” ~ imnotcreative-ugh

“Was prepared to say N/T/A based on the main post but finding out that there is no special connection to the song.”

“And that you liked it at your sister’s wedding now reeks of some kind of weird dynamic. YTA.” ~ thistreestands

“YTA. You have no other connection to that song than liking it when you heard it at your sister’s wedding.”

“Knowing this and her background story and connection to that song clearly makes you TA in this story.”

“Whatever makes you want to hurt your sister like this… is it really worth it?”

“What has she done to you that you want to take revenge on her on your wedding day?” ~ Willing-Rip-8761

“YTA. After reading the your comments, I have no clue WHY you want this as your wedding song.”

“You KNOW it has huge emotional significance to someone else in your life.”

“You KNOW how devastating it will be for her to watch you basically recreate her special moment while the person she loves doesn’t even remember her.”

“Why would you want all this associated with your first dance as a married couple?”

“Would you not at least be thinking of how miserable she is during your dance?”

“And you just want the song because it sounds nice?”

“It feels almost spiteful is there some info you’re leaving out here?”  ~ pyrospheres

“YTA. Your step-sister’s ex-husband no longer remembers her due to a TBI.”

“The song has special importance to your step-sister because when she sings it to her ex, he recognizes her.”

“You know the importance of the song to your step-sister.”

“The song doesn’t have any importance to you as a couple.”

“Why are you insisting it be your wedding song?”  ~ soph_lurk_2018

“YTA. It’s always the posts like these where they leave out the TRAUMATIC ACCIDENT or whatever so they feel validated.”

“Seek therapy, OP!!” ~ sketchyhotgirl

OP, Reddit is not too happy with your choice.

There are a lot of songs to choose from.

You may want to look over some other song books.

Perhaps you can find something that’s more meaningful to you and your partner.

But it is your wedding, and you get to decide.