Planning wedding details can take a lot of time and precision.
Every aspect is important to the newlyweds.
One of the most sacred details is the bride’s dress.
So many brides spend years planning and designing.
So oftentimes, they are not looking for someone to take over the final choice.
Redditor MooreKittens wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to try on the wedding dress my mom bought me without asking?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (28 F[emale]) recently got engaged and was excited to pick out my wedding dress — something I’ve always looked forward to doing myself.”
“My mom (56 F) took it upon herself to buy a wedding dress for me.”
“She never asked me to ‘go shopping together’ or ‘send me ideas.’”
“She literally went out, bought a dress she liked, and then put it in my closet without saying anything.”
“I just found it one day while getting something else — no conversation, no heads-up, just a dress hanging there.”
“It’s nothing like what I would’ve chosen for myself.”
“It’s super traditional, big, poufy, very ‘princess bride’ — and just… not me.”
“She never asked what I liked, what styles I was thinking about, or if I even wanted help.”
“I feel hurt that she didn’t involve me at all.”
“Now she’s upset I haven’t tried it on and says I’m being ungrateful.”
“My family is saying I should just try it on to make her happy, but it feels like she made a big decision about my wedding without me.”
“She let my two older sisters have their wedding dress moments, and she didn’t even bother to ask me what I wanted.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for refusing to try it on?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. For many brides, picking ‘the dress’ is a big moment.”
“It’s totally normal to want that.”
“Your mom is controlling.”
“There’s a certain type of controlling/abusive/unsafe person who uses gifts for control.”
“So this is the parent who will throw their child a lavish princess party when their kid wanted a dog-themed party instead.”
“It’s particularly insidious and hard to deal with because, on the surface, what the other person is doing can seem very generous, and the recipient can seem ungrateful.”
“Because, hey it was a great party or a free wedding dress.”
“Who wouldn’t want that?”
“To observers, the recipient often seems ungrateful or greedy because they don’t see the bigger pattern and don’t understand what’s really going on.”
“Hold firm.”
“I’d recommend profusely thanking your mom for the dress, but that you’d always dreamed of trying on wedding dresses and picking ‘the one’ yourself.”
“Anything she hits you with ‘but I paid for it, you’d make so so happy,’ etc, hit her with a combination of ‘yes, but I’m still doing …'”
“It tends to confuse people when you use the affirmative and then also deny them.” ~ Reading4LifeForever
“She has a shopping addiction.”
“There’s the kicker.”
“This is WAY deeper than an unexpected wedding dress—although weddings truly do bring out the worst in some people.”
“Obviously NTA, this is unhinged behavior.”
“The fact that other family members are encouraging you to just accept the dress is enabling AF.”
“It’s even sort of telling that she didn’t mention it, isn’t it?”
“She must know, on some level, that it wasn’t something you wanted.”
“Tell her you have no idea why she bought this dress and you don’t care what she does with it, but this is not the dress you are wearing, nor is it the experience you’re going to have to acquire your wedding dress.”
“Since you say you’re not financially dependent on her, that means she’s not paying for the wedding either, right?”
“No contribution = no opinion.”
“Then I agree, you carry on as if this dress doesn’t exist.”
“And I would seriously consider not inviting her on any dress shopping trips you might undertake because this dress is all you’ll hear about.”
“Fingers crossed, this is the end of it, and she doesn’t bring it to the venue on the day off and try to coerce you into wearing it, or (even worse) show up wearing it herself.” ~ always_unplugged
“NTA. Go to the thrift store and pick out a hideous mother-of-the-bride dress – put it in her closet.” ~ Interesting_You_2315
“NTA. Sell or donate the dress and go have your wedding dress moment where you buy a dress you actually like and that’s in your style.”
“Tell mum, and anyone else having a go, that it’s your wedding, and you have the right to choose your own dress, not be forced into a dress that clearly isn’t your style that you had zero say in just because someone who isn’t getting married and has no say wants you to.”
“Refuse to discuss it further.”
“Talk to your partner about all this, as well. Make it clear that this wedding should be full of the things the two of you want, not what others think you should want, and your mum gets zero say from now on.”
“You need a united front to keep this day about the two of you and what you want and prevent it being hijacked by your mother or anyone else until it becomes a day you both hate.” ~ WhiteKnightPrimal
“You might want to consider changing the locks to your home so that she can’t just drop by and hang things in your closet.”
“Plus, you are 28.”
“I’d just hand the dress back and continue on with your plan to go dress shopping. NTA.” ~ LowBalance4404
“NTA. While she might have ‘meant’ well, the reality is it is a HUGE overstep on her part–something that if she has any social awareness at all she would know.”
“And frankly, I’m not convinced she meant well to begin with.”
“It comes across as a huge control grab on her part… either that or she wants to start a fight.”
“You have no obligation to make her ‘happy’ about this.”
“It will only encourage more stupid (or, more likely, deliberately bad) behavior.”
“Give it away and get your own.”
“And best wishes for your wedding.” ~ VariousTry4624
“NTA. Is your mom always like this?”
“Because that is some next-level weird behavior.”
“Boundary setting sounds like it’s going to be absolutely key in the run-up to the wedding.”
“Plus passwords, etc.” ~ ProfessorDistinct835
“There is NO F**KING WAY this is the first time your mom has acted like this.”
“I would bet good money that people in the family have been enabling this behavior for years instead of setting boundaries/spraying her with a water bottle like they should have done.”
“It won’t be easy, but dig in your heels or she will take over your entire wedding and eventually your life. NTA.” ~ jennyfromtheeblock
“NTA. Put HER dress in HER closet, and don’t say anything.”
“Then, go out with and find YOUR dress (and then put it in a safe place she can’t access because I am suspicious of her motives).”
“You could also just sell the dress she bought and purchase something you like with the money.”
“Both are good options. Neither makes you the problem here.”
“I would make sure to password-protect all vendors and whatnot going forward.”
“Your mom doesn’t appear to care about what you want at all, and I fear she will start changing things behind your back.”
“Best of luck!!!” ~ alwaystucknroll
“NTA. Just give her her dress back and book an appt to try some on yourself.”
“’Mom you left this in my closet for some reason, here you go! No, I haven’t chosen a dress yet so it’s not mine.'”
“Also, change your locks.”
“Your mom doesn’t need access to your home.” ~ Bittybellie
“NTA. A wedding dress is a personal choice, not something someone can ‘pick up’ for another person.”
“Did your grandmother purchase your mom’s dress without your consent?”
“Seems like you need to sit your mom down and have a conversation setting very good boundaries.” ~ MaeSilver909
“If you gave in and tried it on to make her happy, she’d immediately move on to the next thing about your wedding that she wants to control if you give a mouse a cookie style.”
“Give her back the dress and tell her you’ll find your own. NTA.” ~ GothPenguin
“NTA. Give it back to her and go shopping for your dress with friends.”
“Block the drama out.”
“Tell your Mom she can wear the dress.” ~ CSurvivor9
“NTA. Your mother is WAY out of line.”
“How dare she take it upon herself to decide what dress you will wear on your wedding day.”
“You don’t have to be grateful.”
“Your mum is making this all about herself and has zero respect or consideration for you.”
“Don’t try it on.”
“It would hang in the cupboard until the end of days before I’d even acknowledge the dress let alone try it on.” ~ RocknRight
“NTA. Reminds me of my prom, my mom picked my dress for me while I was in the store crying… bawling my eyes out, she didn’t care, and neither did the salesperson.”
“She made me wear it to prom, I hated that night.”
“I hate looking at the pictures.”
“You’re NTA.”
“Get your own damn dress, you don’t owe her trying a dress on either.”
“That’s just crazy.” ~ holomaiden
“NTA. The dress is a manipulation tactic.”
“An unwanted ‘gift’ that is intended to OBLIGATE you to do what you do not want to do.”
“Your mom will claim she put in so much effort and money that YOU OWE her compliance.”
“For that reason, I wouldn’t consider trying it on.”
“You can return HER dress to your mom and make sure in the future she can’t access your home as she did.”
“You need firmer boundaries with her.”
“Less access to your home, details of your wedding plans, details about your relationship and personal life.” ~ curiousity60
“NTA… it is not rude to respectfully reject a gift.”
“Tell her exactly what you told us.”
“It’s not your style and you’d like to have the dress shopping experience yourself, just like your sister’s did.”
“Ask her to return it, and come with you to look at dresses.”
“If she makes a big deal out of it, she’s the big AH.”
“Do not let others bully you into a less ideal wedding day!” ~ Suitable_cataclysm
“This is really bizarre behavior.”
“Is your mother mentally well?”
“Has there been a recent pattern of unexplainable behavior?”
“I genuinely cannot wrap my head around how a sane person in full possession of their faculties would take all of the steps that were involved in this action and at no point realize that it’s super disrespectful and rude.”
“If I were you, I would put the dress on, take a selfie, and send it in a group text to my mom and fiancé asking for his thoughts on this dress my mom picked out. NTA.” ~ DemureDamsel122
“Sell the dress, and put money towards buying your choice.”
“Don’t explain to Mom, just do it.”
“She didn’t care about your feelings, just money.”
“You are NTA.”
“For sending the same energy back.” ~ desertboots
OP came back with an update…
“I see a lot of comments about me changing my lock, but I wanted to clarify that I found this wedding dress in my childhood closet at my parents’ house.”
“They kept all our rooms the same, so sometimes I store clothes that don’t fit me in there.”
“That is when I found the wedding dress my mom intended for me.”
“For everyone asking about the cost…”
“I actually don’t know how much the dress cost.”
“I didn’t ask, and honestly, I didn’t want to know.
“The dress isn’t my style at all, and I’d probably be horrified to find out how much was spent on something I had no say in and didn’t even like.”
“Based on how my mom usually shops, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was over $500-$1000, but again — this whole situation isn’t really about the price tag.”
“It’s about not being included in a personal decision and feeling like my preferences didn’t matter.”
Reddit understands your plight, OP.
Your Mom overstepped.
Ok, maybe she had the best of intentions.
In the end, you owe her nothing.
Focus on your future.