The only reason many people even want to host a wedding is to share the day with their families.
Indeed, as much as a wedding is a celebration of love and commitment, they also tend to be a happy reunion of friends and family.
That being said, not everyone may want to celebrate their special day with their friends and family.
Especially when these same friends and family are full of opinions as to what their wedding should be like.
The wedding date for Redditor Confident-Glove-7 and her fiancée was fast approaching.
Unfortunately, it was not the wedding day the original poster (OP) wanted, but rather what her mother wanted.
Leaving the OP to contemplate a somewhat drastic alternative plan.
Wondering if moving forward with this plan would be wrong, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for cancelling my wedding but still getting married in private?”
The OP explained why they wanted to bail on their planned wedding:
“My fiancé (38 M[ale]) and I (34 F[emale]) are supposed to get married this summer.”
“We have a son who will be around 1 at the time.”
“We don’t want a traditional wedding.”
“We’re both autistic, and all the wedding expectations (attention, speeches, parties, family stuff) are just too much.”
“My parents paid a deposit for a venue, but my family, especially my mom, doesn’t respect boundaries well and would push no matter what.”
“So we’re cancelling the venue, paying my parents back, and saying the wedding is postponed.”
“On the original date, we’ll get married quietly in a church with just us and our kid, then go bowling or something.”
“No guests, no announcement beforehand.”
“We’re not telling our families because my family will try to interfere or show up anyway.”
“I feel bad knowing they’ll be disappointed when they find out, but this feels like the only way to do this without it becoming a stressful mess.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for cancelling her wedding and getting married in private.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s wedding should be what she and her fiancé want, and not her mother, with many agreeing that cancelling her wedding would set an important boundary:
“It’s your wedding, and if you don’t want all the fuss of a traditional wedding, you don’t have to do it that way.”
“NTA.”
“Enjoy the day the way you want it.”- Future-Crazy-CatLady
“NTA.”
“‘We’re not telling our families because my family will try to interfere or show up anyway’.”
“Good plan.”
“A beautiful solution.”- k23_k23
“NTA.”
“Eloping is a time-honored tradition.”
“That said, since you’ve decided to do it, you’ll save yourself a lot of trouble by moving up the date as much as possible.”
“The sooner you do it, the sooner you can tell your meddling relatives that it already happened.”-algunarubia
“Your wedding, your choice.”
“Yes, a lot of ppl will be upset, but in 10 yrs, they won’t care.”
“And in those same 10 years, you’ll remember that you had your wedding just the way you wanted.”
“I’m glad you’re setting boundaries now.”
“NTA.”
“Best wishes & congratulations!”- MundaneInhaler
“NTA.”
“I love it.”
“Don’t hurt their feelings.”
“Just matter of factly tell them.”
“After.”
“And maybe pick another day so it doesn’t sting quite as much.”- Defiant-Apple-4823
“NTA.”
“The only a-holes here are the boundary-stomping relatives who’ve already shown they’d hijack your wedding and make it about themselves.”
“A wedding is not a family performance or a deposit-powered hostage situation, it’s about the people getting married.”
“If someone can’t respect ‘this will overwhelm us’, they don’t earn a front-row seat.”
“You’re not sneaky, you’re doing what you have to do to protect your sanity, and anyone mad about that can stay mad outside the church doors.”- DumbandDelusional
“NTA.”
“Just double check if you need witnesses and you’re all good.”- Lollipopwalrus
“NTA.”
“It’s your wedding, therefore, it’s your choice to do anything you want.”
“Your family clearly has boundary issues, and I think this event is a good opportunity to (re)establish your boundaries.”
“Hope you have a great wedding, OP!”- samwelbee
“NTA.”
“All I needed to read was the first two paragraphs.”
“Irrespective of both of you being autistic.”
“Its you and your husband’s wedding day and it should be how YOU and your husband want to celebrate.”
“Your parents and others making the day about their whims and desires are selfish.”
“Congratulations on the impending marriage, OP!”- JumpGlittering8120
“NTA, families can be strong minded and it’s your day to do what you both want.”
“Hope you have a lovely wedding.”
“Bowling sounds like fun!”- _Raise_9221
“NTA.”
“It’s your wedding, not theirs.”
“You’re paying them back and doing what works for you and your fiancé.”
“Their disappointment is their problem to manage.”- Wooden-Luck1865
“NTA.”
“Have the wedding YOU want.”
“I think your plan sounds fantastic.”- Datura_Rose
“NTA.”
“It’s your day and you decide how it goes.”
“They will be disappointed so prepare for that.”
“Maybe some special dinner or something with your family after you’re married will help.”-Waste_Locksmith_4299
“NTA!”
“It is YOUR wedding.”
“And you can do as you want.”
“My brother did 2 big weddings.”
“Cost a lot of money.”
“Spend €20000 per wedding.”
“We did a small wedding, I wish we did it even smaller and left the in-laws out.”
“They were the one complaining about everything.”
“After signing the papers we went on a holiday.”
“When we were 12.5 years married we went to Disneyland with the kids.”
“If we have to do it again, it would have been just the 2 of us on Monday morning (free weddings).”-Dry-Cupcake4104
“NTA.”
“It’s your wedding!”
“Do it your way!”
“I’m also getting married this summer, and also didn’t want a traditional wedding (for one thing, we are atheist and stepping into a church might make the whole thing go up in flames) so decided to get married at a music festival.”
“Some of the older folks are a bit shocked, but tough, whatever.”
“My wedding, not theirs.”
“Your wedding, not theirs.”
“Live your life, love your partner and I hope you have a wonderful day.”- FungalEgoDeath
“NTA.”
“We aren’t having a big wedding either.”
“There’s so much expense and faff around one day it’s actually nuts.”
“We plan to get married in the courthouse and have a party to celebrate without all the usual wedding nonsense.”- International-Fee255
“NTA.”
“Your wedding, your rules.”
“You’re paying them back so no financial harm.”
“Your family’s boundary issues are exactly why you shouldn’t tell them beforehand.”- Alice-003
“NTA, my friend got married in her lounge, no family and friends just had two witnesses then they went out for dinner with a handful of people.”
“They loved it and it worked for them.”
“This is your wedding with your partner not about anybody else.”- Reasonable-Soup-2142
“NTA.”
“As a fellow autie who succumbed to pressure for a ‘proper wedding’, do it.”
“Have the wedding you’ll enjoy and not regret.”- nikadi
“NTA.”
“Have a wonderful day.”
“I’m glad you are not letting anyone ruin it for you.”- happycoffeebean13
“NTA.”
“Wife and I did the same thing.”
“For the same reasons.”- Vfrnut
“NTA.”
“You do what feels comfortable for you to make the memories you want.”
“Make sure the church you choose is a day trip away and that no one knows where it is.”
“Also, I would go a day ahead at least so that no one shows up at your door anyway.”
“Good luck!”- Ordinary-Audience363
“NTA.”
“I’m AuDHD…had a no guest wedding and it was great.”
“Need witnesses!”
“Congratulations.”- jacksonhowardbrown
“NTA and good for you.”
“It should be an enjoyable day for you both, not a miserable stress fest.”- Kiki_0477
“NTA.”
“I’m also autistic and a big wedding is my stuff of nightmares.”
“My first wedding, the ceremony itself had a full church but we only had 40 people plus the bridal party at the reception.”
“The church was only full because my father had been the minister at that church for 16 years so the ceremony was open invitation.”
“My now husband and I are common law married, with currently zero intentions of a marriage license, ceremony or reception.”
“I’m good with that.”- Timely-Example-2959
“NTA.”
“Not everyone wants a traditional wedding – do what is comfortable for you, your partner and your son.”- Mullein55
“NTA.”
“But make sure to bring two adult witnesses.”- TheLZ
“Absolutely NTA!”
“In fact, contrary to all the ridiculous posts about small weddings with ‘just close family’ or whatever that people on Reddit keep erroneously referring to as ‘elopements’ (they are no such thing, they are just very small weddings), what you are describing is the absolute epitome of the time-honured tradition of eloping: ‘running off’ to get married without guests or advance warning – particularly in a situation like this, where you have every good reason to do so (in your case, because of intrusive, pushy family members).”
“As a fellow autistic person, I am actually very proud of both of you for recognizing your needs and choosing to honor them rather than giving in to others at a time that should be all about the two (or really three) of you.”
“And that is all you have to say to people after the fact: ‘We love you, and we appreciate that you wanted to celebrate us, but we had our hearts set on a romantic little elopement, just us’.”
“Don’t make it about excluding them, but about just wanting something simple and special for yourselves.”
“If you’re comfortable with it, maybe tell them that you don’t want any big parties, but will let them throw you a SMALL celebration dinner (you set the guest limit) with your immediate families and a few close friends.”
“And if they complain that extended family or friends will be disappointed, just tell them to ‘blame it on us if anyone complains’.”
“It’s not like the disappointment of people you aren’t close to will affect you anyway, and it gives them an excuse to give people, ‘Oh, even we had no idea they were going to do this’.”-Sorry_I_Guess
No doubt, the OP’s family will definitely be confused and hurt to learn the OP would rather elope than celebrate her wedding day with them.
However, this should also be an eye opening lesson for her mother.
Hopefully resulting in her taking a moment to reflect on her behavior, and improve her relationship with the OP.