Lots of people have quirks and eccentric behavior.
Quirks are a large part of what makes a person so unique.
But not all quirks and behaviors sit well with others.
Certain behaviors can be destructive in intimate relationships.
Redditor MidasOfRuin wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA Insisting 33-year-old B[oy]F[riend] wears shoes in shopping centres?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (35 F[emale]) had been planning on going to our local very large shopping centre all day."
"When I've finished work, my BF comes over, and I gave him a 30-minute reminder, a 15-minute reminder, and a 5-minute reminder that we were leaving."
"Once we left, I asked him if he brought shoes (ongoing dispute in our relationship), and he said no."
"I've told him countless times he has the choice to not wear shoes when we leave the house, but I also have a choice to not be a part of it."
"I informed him I consider not wearing shoes in public a disgusting practice, and he started accusing me of insulting him and calling him disgusting."
"I reiterated I wasn't saying that about him as a person, just the act of going barefoot in nice, very busy shopping centres."
"On the drive there, I informed him he would be staying in the car because again, it was his choice to not wear shoes, and now he's accusing me of not wanting to be with him, not wanting to spend time with him, and calling him disgusting."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Guys, just break up." ~ ResponsibilityFar467
"This whole situation sounds exhausting." ~ bfjizzle
"Also, he's gross."
"Let him be gross with someone else."
"I swear I'm getting sick of stories about men's lack of hygiene."
"Are these adults or babies???" ~ Gryffindorphins
"I would not go to any public place with a barefoot adult or mobile child."
"Not my partner, a friend, my son or daughter, or a sibling."
"It is gross." ~ Queen-Pierogi-V
"NTA. Does he wash his feet when he re-enters the house, or just walk around on your clean floors with gross, germy feet?"
You must live in a good area, because I'd be terrified of getting glass or a needle in my foot at the local shops!" ~ HereLiesSarah
"Those signs that say 'no shirt, no shoes, no service' are real."
"Those floors are disgusting."
"People spit, they spill stuff, they track in dog feces on the bottom of their shoes." ~ Nanabanafofana
"It's NOT common practice in Australia."
"It's considered impolite at best, revolting at worst."
"I've never lived anywhere where this was considered appropriate."
"It is tolerated in beachy, touristy places, but not at all the norm where people actually live." ~ lurkylurkeroo
"NTA. Most shops have a policy of 'no shirt, no shoes, no service.'"
"This is not a secret."
"He could get banned from the mall."
"He could have stayed home, or he could have brought his shoes, but doing what he did seems like he's passive-aggressively trying to ruin your plans, but also make you feel guilty for having any standards."
"He's the one choosing bare feet over your company." ~ NeedsMoreCookies
"I generally prefer going around without shoes where able."
"That said, it's both common courtesy to others and safety to at least wear thongs when going to the shops. NTA." ~ emptinessmaykillme
"NTA, but for God's sake, raise your standards."
"Because you're in a relationship where wearing shoes in public places is controversial and a power play."
"Why are you with this person when you are so obviously miserable?" ~ lurkylurkeroo
"There's nothing wrong with having standards."
"You didn't request anything unreasonable."
"However, do you want to take care of a child for the rest of your relationship with him?"
"Because that's what you'll be doing."
"This is how he chooses to live his life."
"He knows how you feel about this-probably among other things-and he doesn't care."
"Take some time to really think about this."
"If you don't want to take care of a child the rest of your life with him, then you should part ways and find someone who meets your standards." ~ Adagioshine
"Just because I'm curious, when you say not wearing shoes, do you mean he is walking in completely barefoot?"
"Or he's wearing sandals/flip-flops?"
"If he is barefoot, then it goes beyond hygiene complaints. that 100% personal hazard."
"Cleaning staff can be on top of sh*t by the second, and sh*t can still go wrong in a shopping center."
"Sharps, glass, liquids, it can take maintenance 5 to 10 minutes to answer a spill(circumstances pending)."
"It only takes a customer a second of not paying attention to have a bad day."
"If he is wearing sandals at least, then I'd say that's a you problem that you're going to have to work out on your own." ~ jstpassinthru123
"NTA. I had to reread this to make sure I wasn't confusing a 33‑year‑old man with a three‑year‑old throwing a tantrum."
"Honestly, it might be time to move on and date someone who doesn't have the emotional maturity of a toddler."
"Good luck, OP." ~ Nuthatch34
"There is a man who comes into the bakery I work at barefoot."
"He travels barefoot, rides his bike around, is super considerate about his ecological footprint - and no, he is not homeless."
"He is a vet tech. "
"He is the nicest customer ever!"
"One of my favs."
"I would never go barefoot for personal preferences, but I admire his commitment to his beliefs."
"Maybe your boyfriend has different views, and that's ok?!"
"If he doesn't want to listen to you, that's ok?!"
"If you're embarrassed by him or disagree, then maybe you two aren't meant to be?!"
"I could not date someone like that because I'm OCD about germs, but hey, I'm sure there is a girl out there that might!" ~ Unable_Cod730
"NTA, You have to give him warnings that you are leaving the house?"
"Why don't you just have a child?"
"At least you can teach them social conventions, and you won't have to keep having this argument." ~ International-Fee255
"NTA. I mean, good GOD, you're dating Fred Flintstone."
"My entire body shuddered with how gross that is, and frankly, strange." ~ TheWonderVenus
"NTA. You told him it is unsanitary and dangerous, and he keeps doing it."
"You are being kind."
"I would ban him from my house without washing and disinfecting his feet."
"It is not about preference, but about health and safety." ~ SoulSiren_22
"NTA. And every single person here is saying YTA is disgusting."
"Shoes need to be worn in public spaces unless at a park or beach."
"Hygiene habits sound disgusting."
"Either he grows up, or you should ditch him." ~ Princess_and_a_wench
"NAH. He's not going to wear shoes because that's what he wants."
"But you want to be with someone who understands why a lot of stores have signs about 'no shoes, no shirt, no service,' which is totally OK."
"This isn't going to get better."
"You can either continue to get annoyed about it for the rest of your time, or break up with him due to wanting different things in life."
"I vote for splitting because, again, he's not going to change." ~ Lasdtr17
"NTA. And every single person here is saying YTA is disgusting."
"Shoes need to be worn in public spaces unless at a park or beach."
"Hygiene habits sound disgusting."
"Either he grows up, or you should ditch him." ~ Princess_and_a_wench
"NTA. Do you allow him to walk barefoot in your house and sleep barefoot in your bed?"
"What if he has to use the public facilities?"
"Gross." ~ HedgehogNo8361
"Where are you that allows someone to walk around barefoot?"
"Many businesses in the US won't let you enter unless you are wearing clothes and some form of footwear (even if it is house slippers)."
"NTA. It is dirty, gross, and risks foot injury." ~ NekoMao92
"NTA, because this is disgusting."
"But it sounds like this is who he is, and you guys don't align." ~ Routine-Abroad-4473
"NTA. It is disgusting."
"I'm guessing he's not washing his feet when he comes home 🤢." ~ QuestionWestern8423
"NTA. My brother is very much like this, and most women don't take him seriously as a partner."
"Maybe it is time to rethink some things, too." ~ Thediciplematt
"NTA, and my god, I cannot imagine what his feet look like. "
"And he comes into the house with those feet?"
"And sleeps in your same bed?? 🤢." ~ truly_scrumptious_2
"NTA - but you did call him disgusting."
"Which is OK because he does a disgusting thing." ~ Appropriate_Steak486
"NTA. You are dating a toddler, not a grown-up."
"It's about the shoes; I need repeated reminders about when it's time to leave for an event."
"He is an actual adult."
"If he doesn't act like one, well, that's his choice."
"You, on the other hand, deserve to date a person who acts like an adult."
"Listen to yourself."
"Don't date someone who behaves like a child." ~ RainInTheWoods
"NTA. He is correct; it is his choice not wear shoes into establishments where convention dictates proper apparel."
"Your choice is if you want to be in a relationship with a child who refuses to dress properly and then throws a tantrum when you ask him to do the bare minimum." ~ WhereWeretheAdults
"Is this real?"
"Why are you babysitting this man like this?"
"Multiple reminders, not wearing shoes."
"I'm so confused."
"You are NTA but have some self-respect." ~ Opportunity_Massive
"Is your BF a 3-year-old?"
"You can do better."
"I stopped having to tell my sons about wearing shoes in public places before they entered kindergarten."
"My sons are 10 and 14 now, and I can't remember the last time I had to give incremental warnings about departures."
"NTA. If he insists on being a child, leave him and find a partner who can adult and enjoy time together."
"Wishing you the best!!" ~ Certainlyaround
Most of Reddit is with you, OP.
He doesn't have to wear shoes, and you don't have to be seen with him.
Everyone involved has free will.
His behavior is definitely... different.
Looks like y'all have a lot of boundary issues to figure out.
Good Luck.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.