The only reason many people even want to host a wedding is to share the day with their families.
Indeed, as much as a wedding is a celebration of love and commitment, they also tend to be a happy reunion of friends and family.
That being said, not everyone may want to celebrate their special day with their friends and family.
Especially when these same friends and family are full of opinions as to what their wedding should be like.
The wedding date for Redditor Confident-Glove-7 and her fiancée was fast approaching.
Unfortunately, it was not the wedding day the original poster (OP) wanted, but rather what her mother wanted.
Leaving the OP to contemplate a somewhat drastic alternative plan.
Wondering if moving forward with this plan would be wrong, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for cancelling my wedding but still getting married in private?"
The OP explained why they wanted to bail on their planned wedding:
"My fiancé (38 M[ale]) and I (34 F[emale]) are supposed to get married this summer."
"We have a son who will be around 1 at the time."
"We don't want a traditional wedding."
"We're both autistic, and all the wedding expectations (attention, speeches, parties, family stuff) are just too much."
"My parents paid a deposit for a venue, but my family, especially my mom, doesn't respect boundaries well and would push no matter what."
"So we're cancelling the venue, paying my parents back, and saying the wedding is postponed."
"On the original date, we'll get married quietly in a church with just us and our kid, then go bowling or something."
"No guests, no announcement beforehand."
"We're not telling our families because my family will try to interfere or show up anyway."
"I feel bad knowing they'll be disappointed when they find out, but this feels like the only way to do this without it becoming a stressful mess."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for cancelling her wedding and getting married in private.
Everyone agreed that the OP's wedding should be what she and her fiancé want, and not her mother, with many agreeing that cancelling her wedding would set an important boundary:
"It's your wedding, and if you don't want all the fuss of a traditional wedding, you don't have to do it that way."
"NTA."
"Enjoy the day the way you want it."- Future-Crazy-CatLady
"NTA."
"'We're not telling our families because my family will try to interfere or show up anyway'."
"Good plan."
"A beautiful solution."- k23_k23
"NTA."
"Eloping is a time-honored tradition."
"That said, since you've decided to do it, you'll save yourself a lot of trouble by moving up the date as much as possible."
"The sooner you do it, the sooner you can tell your meddling relatives that it already happened."-algunarubia
"Your wedding, your choice."
"Yes, a lot of ppl will be upset, but in 10 yrs, they won't care."
"And in those same 10 years, you'll remember that you had your wedding just the way you wanted."
"I'm glad you're setting boundaries now."
"NTA."
"Best wishes & congratulations!"- MundaneInhaler
"NTA."
"I love it."
"Don't hurt their feelings."
"Just matter of factly tell them."
"After."
"And maybe pick another day so it doesn't sting quite as much."- Defiant-Apple-4823
"NTA."
"The only a-holes here are the boundary-stomping relatives who've already shown they'd hijack your wedding and make it about themselves."
"A wedding is not a family performance or a deposit-powered hostage situation, it's about the people getting married."
"If someone can't respect 'this will overwhelm us', they don't earn a front-row seat."
"You're not sneaky, you're doing what you have to do to protect your sanity, and anyone mad about that can stay mad outside the church doors."- DumbandDelusional
"NTA."
"Just double check if you need witnesses and you're all good."- Lollipopwalrus
"NTA."
"It's your wedding, therefore, it's your choice to do anything you want."
"Your family clearly has boundary issues, and I think this event is a good opportunity to (re)establish your boundaries."
"Hope you have a great wedding, OP!"- samwelbee
"NTA."
"All I needed to read was the first two paragraphs."
"Irrespective of both of you being autistic."
"Its you and your husband's wedding day and it should be how YOU and your husband want to celebrate."
"Your parents and others making the day about their whims and desires are selfish."
"Congratulations on the impending marriage, OP!"- JumpGlittering8120
"NTA, families can be strong minded and it's your day to do what you both want."
"Hope you have a lovely wedding."
"Bowling sounds like fun!"- _Raise_9221
"NTA."
"It's your wedding, not theirs."
"You're paying them back and doing what works for you and your fiancé."
"Their disappointment is their problem to manage."- Wooden-Luck1865
"NTA."
"Have the wedding YOU want."
"I think your plan sounds fantastic."- Datura_Rose
"NTA."
"It's your day and you decide how it goes."
"They will be disappointed so prepare for that."
"Maybe some special dinner or something with your family after you're married will help."-Waste_Locksmith_4299
"NTA!"
"It is YOUR wedding."
"And you can do as you want."
"My brother did 2 big weddings."
"Cost a lot of money."
"Spend €20000 per wedding."
"We did a small wedding, I wish we did it even smaller and left the in-laws out."
"They were the one complaining about everything."
"After signing the papers we went on a holiday."
"When we were 12.5 years married we went to Disneyland with the kids."
"If we have to do it again, it would have been just the 2 of us on Monday morning (free weddings)."-Dry-Cupcake4104
"NTA."
"It's your wedding!"
"Do it your way!"
"I'm also getting married this summer, and also didn't want a traditional wedding (for one thing, we are atheist and stepping into a church might make the whole thing go up in flames) so decided to get married at a music festival."
"Some of the older folks are a bit shocked, but tough, whatever."
"My wedding, not theirs."
"Your wedding, not theirs."
"Live your life, love your partner and I hope you have a wonderful day."- FungalEgoDeath
"NTA."
"We aren't having a big wedding either."
"There's so much expense and faff around one day it's actually nuts."
"We plan to get married in the courthouse and have a party to celebrate without all the usual wedding nonsense."- International-Fee255
"NTA."
"Your wedding, your rules."
"You're paying them back so no financial harm."
"Your family's boundary issues are exactly why you shouldn't tell them beforehand."- Alice-003
"NTA, my friend got married in her lounge, no family and friends just had two witnesses then they went out for dinner with a handful of people."
"They loved it and it worked for them."
"This is your wedding with your partner not about anybody else."- Reasonable-Soup-2142
"NTA."
"As a fellow autie who succumbed to pressure for a 'proper wedding', do it."
"Have the wedding you'll enjoy and not regret."- nikadi
"NTA."
"Have a wonderful day."
"I'm glad you are not letting anyone ruin it for you."- happycoffeebean13
"NTA."
"Wife and I did the same thing."
"For the same reasons."- Vfrnut
"NTA."
"You do what feels comfortable for you to make the memories you want."
"Make sure the church you choose is a day trip away and that no one knows where it is."
"Also, I would go a day ahead at least so that no one shows up at your door anyway."
"Good luck!"- Ordinary-Audience363
"NTA."
"I'm AuDHD…had a no guest wedding and it was great."
"Need witnesses!"
"Congratulations."- jacksonhowardbrown
"NTA and good for you."
"It should be an enjoyable day for you both, not a miserable stress fest."- Kiki_0477
"NTA."
"I'm also autistic and a big wedding is my stuff of nightmares."
"My first wedding, the ceremony itself had a full church but we only had 40 people plus the bridal party at the reception."
"The church was only full because my father had been the minister at that church for 16 years so the ceremony was open invitation."
"My now husband and I are common law married, with currently zero intentions of a marriage license, ceremony or reception."
"I'm good with that."- Timely-Example-2959
"NTA."
"Not everyone wants a traditional wedding - do what is comfortable for you, your partner and your son."- Mullein55
"NTA."
"But make sure to bring two adult witnesses."- TheLZ
"Absolutely NTA!"
"In fact, contrary to all the ridiculous posts about small weddings with 'just close family' or whatever that people on Reddit keep erroneously referring to as 'elopements' (they are no such thing, they are just very small weddings), what you are describing is the absolute epitome of the time-honured tradition of eloping: 'running off' to get married without guests or advance warning - particularly in a situation like this, where you have every good reason to do so (in your case, because of intrusive, pushy family members)."
"As a fellow autistic person, I am actually very proud of both of you for recognizing your needs and choosing to honor them rather than giving in to others at a time that should be all about the two (or really three) of you."
"And that is all you have to say to people after the fact: 'We love you, and we appreciate that you wanted to celebrate us, but we had our hearts set on a romantic little elopement, just us'."
"Don't make it about excluding them, but about just wanting something simple and special for yourselves."
"If you're comfortable with it, maybe tell them that you don't want any big parties, but will let them throw you a SMALL celebration dinner (you set the guest limit) with your immediate families and a few close friends."
"And if they complain that extended family or friends will be disappointed, just tell them to 'blame it on us if anyone complains'."
"It's not like the disappointment of people you aren't close to will affect you anyway, and it gives them an excuse to give people, 'Oh, even we had no idea they were going to do this'."-Sorry_I_Guess
No doubt, the OP's family will definitely be confused and hurt to learn the OP would rather elope than celebrate her wedding day with them.
However, this should also be an eye opening lesson for her mother.
Hopefully resulting in her taking a moment to reflect on her behavior, and improve her relationship with the OP.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp