Canceling on a wedding or not showing up after RSVPing "YES" does not go over well.
That money is not refundable.
Of course, life happens... but sometimes it may feel like people just don't care.
Redditor u/Outside-Fly712 found themselves in a dilemma about their wedding guest list, so they turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Like AITA, the AITAH subreddit lets posters ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both of which AITA bans. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
They asked:
"AITAH for leaving my friend on read after she said she wasn’t coming the night before my wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My wedding was a couple of months ago now, and I’ve been sitting on this and feeling like an awful person for not responding."
"Before I met my husband, I met my (at the time) best friend at work."
"We were inseparable and did everything together."
"She helped me through some really hard times, and I helped her deal with some stuff too."
"We naturally became a little more distant as I healed and realized I’d become a bit codependent with her, so I gave her space as she was also going through things, but we still hung out a lot and talked every day."
"I met my (now) husband, and she loved him for me, but started to grow quite distant with me."
"I tried to reach her after not hearing from her for almost a year, and it turned out she’d gone through a really bad breakup and had become depressed."
"I felt awful she didn’t think she could come to me and talked her through things, generally just being there for her."
"Our friendship kind of rekindled, but she was still a bit distant."
"Fast forward a couple of years later, she’s now in a really healthy relationship, about to buy an apartment with him."
"I told her I was getting married and would love to have her there, but no pressure, as we didn’t see each other too much anymore."
"I didn’t explicitly say this, but we both knew."
"She RSVP'd yes with her and her new partner I’d not yet met."
"Then, at 8:30 pm the night before my wedding, I saw a message preview pop up from her..."
“'Hey! One more sleep! I bet you’re so excited…'”
"I opened the rest of the message, and basically she is telling me she can’t come anymore, as she’d got the keys to her new house that day."
"I still haven’t responded."
"The thing is, I’ve never bought a house before; I don’t know how it works."
"But what I do know is my friend is from money and very privileged, so I don’t see a situation where she would need to immediately move that day."
"For context, her parents bought her first home, and she’s always lived very lavishly, so it just seemed odd to me."
"I’m happy for her, but it just feels so rude the night before my wedding after I’ve paid for her to be there on the basis that she RSVP 'yes.'"
"She has a history of being flaky and letting me down at the last minute."
"It was a very small wedding, so their presence was very much missed."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I in the wrong for not responding? AITAH?
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"I bought a house a few years ago."
"It's quite a process, and it isn't like you wake up to a call saying your house is ready."
"If she got the keys X days, she knew she was closing on it that day, at least a week prior."
"It just sounds like you two have grown apart though."
"I would just cut ties and move on, instead of festering." ~ Southern_Salary_2253
"NTA. She just didn't want to go to your wedding, so she gave you a lame excuse."
"Very rude for her to cancel last minute knowing you already paid for them to attend." ~ Aggressive_Dress_220
"NTA. She never even bothered to reach out afterwards, with a card, a dinner invite, to catch up, hear about it, etc."
"No… I would simply never reach out again." ~ dart1126
"NTA - she RSVP'd yes and should have made a point to be there, even if for a little bit, since her accommodations were already paid for."
"But you don't owe her a reply, and tbh it sounds like you've outgrown this friendship." ~ Existing_Arm_2340
"NTA, she showed you the value of your relationship in her eyes."
"You clearly valued it more."
"Coming from a person that has bought a house, I didn't move in the same day; I actually waited 3 months to clean it up and renovate it to how I wanted it." ~ Requilem
"NTA. You don’t surprisingly get the keys one day; you know your closing date weeks before."
"She did the 'nice girl' thing by RSVP yes but not actually going to go; didn’t say anything until the night before."
"She seems like a bad friend who already distanced herself from you long ago." ~ Natural_Lifeguard_44
"NTA-You and your friend are at different phases of life. "
"Both of you had major life events that intersected on the same day."
"A wedding is the most important day in your life."
"All the rituals: the dress, the reception, and seeing your husband's face when he sees you in your dress."
"All of those are major milestones and deserve celebration."
"Buying a house was undoubtedly the most important day in her life. "
"Both should be celebrated, and the importance is in the eye of the person whose special day it is."
"I know the day I closed on my house I couldn’t wait to go over and paint and bring boxes and cleaning supplies."
"In the future, you and your friend may end up celebrating the anniversary of your respective anniversaries by celebrating over dinner and a glass of wine." ~ RJBeaner13
"NTA, in the sense of you know exactly months in advance how the house being sold to you will happen, especially because huge amounts of money are involved and banks as well; it is very much so 'everything needs to be perfect at this point in time, else it is cancelled,' with penalties clarified. "
"You do not cancel the day before the wedding on the pretense of getting the keys; the information was definitely known." ~ Throw_Two_Apples
"NTA. Closing for a house involves a lot of paperwork, can take hours, and can sometimes be hard to schedule."
"They very well may not be moving in that day, but it is advisable to do a walkthrough of the property and verify if is in the condition stated (IE seller's items and trash removed, reasonably clean, no surprise mold on walls that was hiding behind furniture)."
"That said, there is no way she didn't know about this a few weeks ago." ~ dragon34
"Sometimes the older you get the more you realize that you have outgrown friends."
"There is nothing wrong with that. It sounds like you both are in very different places in your life."
"I don’t know that she expected a message back from that, to be honest."
"I wouldn’t feel bad."
"At the very least, she knew what her closing date was and that it coincided with your wedding."
"She wanted to be there; she would have been."
"Or she would’ve given you a much bigger heads-up because of the closing date of her house."
"Friendships ending or phasing out is always a very difficult experience, often more painful than a romantic breakup, but the writing of this relationship has been on the wall for a long time."
"Don’t beat yourself up too hard, remember the good times, and move on." ~ Jessicanne505
"NTA. Weddings are expensive, and it is incredibly rude to bail last minute when you have already been paid for in the headcount of guests."
"Did she send a gift or try to say anything to you since?"
"Personally, I would reach out and tell her how that really hurt you that she would bail so last minute." ~ The_ADD_PM
OP came back to chat...
"I reached out to her multiple times in the year we didn’t talk because I was worried about her mental health."
"I’m aware she’s had low periods before."
"It’s an invite, not a summons, and I said there was no pressure to say yes."
"She told me how much she’d love to be there and was asking me lots of questions about the wedding in the lead-up."
"No, she didn’t get me a gift or say congratulations afterwards."
"Thank you, everyone, for the advice."
"I know it may sound strange that I even invited her, but the previous closeness of our friendship made it feel strange not to at least extend the invite, even though I had an inkling she might not come."
"My wording is poor, but we had been friendly again for a while before the invite."
"She is the closest friendship I’ve had in adulthood, and the feeling was definitely mutual in the past."
"What hurts me about this is that she RSVP yes when she absolutely did not have to."
"I never thought she would cancel the day before."
"I didn’t understand if there was something I was missing about why the home purchase would make it impossible to come, but I see that now I just value the friendship more than she does, and we’ve drifted apart."
"I won’t be replying to her."
Sorry for your hurt feelings, OP.
Reddit is with you.
Your friend's actions seem disrespectful at best and malicious at worst.
Focus on your future.
Congratulations!
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