Ahh, strange family traditions. Strange Christmas morning occurrences, eclectic potlucks and BBQs, funny nicknames, inviting long-term exes to the wedding…
Wait, no, that last one sounds more like an attempt to get two people back together than a family tradition, side-eyed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor SuperbTarget9054 was suspicious of her future husband’s family’s intentions when they invited his long-term ex-girlfriend to their wedding, and she was even more put off by the fact that her partner defended the idea and called it a “family tradition.”
When they couldn’t come to an agreement about inviting his ex, the Original Poster (OP) questioned if she could be married to someone who refused to listen to her concerns.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for canceling my wedding after finding out my fiancé’s ex-girlfriend was invited by his family?”
The OP was looking forward to her wedding until her in-laws invited someone… special.
“I (27 Female) and my fiancé, Alex (30 Male), have been engaged for a year and were planning our wedding for the end of the summer.”
“Everything was going smoothly until a couple of weeks ago when Alex’s family dropped a bombshell.”
“Alex’s family is very close-knit and has always been involved in our wedding planning.”
“Recently, I found out that they have invited Alex’s ex, Sarah (29 Female) to the wedding. Alex and Sarah dated for about five years and broke up about two years ago.”
“They’re still on good terms, but I was not comfortable with the idea of her being at our wedding.”
The OP was not comfortable with the arrangement.
“When I brought this up to Alex, he said that it was a family tradition to invite former partners if they’re still friends and that it would be rude to exclude her.”
“He insisted that it was no big deal and that Sarah was just a part of their extended social circle.”
“I tried to explain that having Sarah at our wedding made me feel uncomfortable and undermined the significance of the event for me.”
“Alex argued that I was being unreasonable and selfish for not considering his family’s feelings.”
“He argued that it would cause unnecessary drama if we uninvited Sarah now and that we should just focus on enjoying the day.”
The OP realized that she deserved better than she was getting.
“I couldn’t shake the feeling that this wasn’t just about inviting an ex but also about my place in Alex’s life and whether I was truly a priority.”
“After a lot of back-and-forth, I decided that I couldn’t go through with the wedding under these circumstances.”
“I tried to talk to Alex again because I wanted to give him a chance to change his mind and not throw away all of the years we had together.”
“When he refused again, I canceled the venue and all the plans we had made and ended the relationship, explaining to Alex and his family that I couldn’t commit to marrying someone who wasn’t willing to respect my feelings about such a significant issue.”
Alex and his family accused the OP of being the dramatic one.
“Now, Alex and his family are furious with me. They believe I am overreacting and that I should have been more accommodating.”
“Some of my friends and family think I did the right thing, while others feel I might have acted too impulsively.”
“Was I really so wrong for canceling my wedding after finding out that my fiancé’s ex was going to be there?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some side-eyed the parents-in-law for inviting people to someone else’s wedding.
“Why his family is sending invites? And how would have they felt if you had invited one of your exes as a ‘family tradition’? I’m guessing they would have immediately told their son he could do better.” – Comprehensive_Value
“Irrespective of how they may have felt or their intentions, sending out invites to someone else’s wedding is crackers, especially to potentially controversial guests like exes. With how sneaky and insistent the family were, as well, I feel like this was done to sabotage or at least humble OP.”
“I don’t wanna sound like my tin foil hat is getting steam cleaned but this ‘family tradition’ seems like an excuse to intimidate and almost test the new bride and groom. I’d be interested to know if this tradition is new and how fairly it is applied and if new spouses who the family gets on with are also encouraged to bring exes or share their day with their partner’s exes.”
“Also, I find it crazy that the husband allowed the wedding to be canceled instead of uninviting an ex-girlfriend that he’s apparently only on friendly, wider social circle terms. I feel like either something fishy is going on or his family just loves her and he’s a massive doormat.”
“At least OP found out that her potential husband would have never sided with her or defended her to his family BEFORE marrying into this nonsense. Imagine buying property, moving house, or having kids with a man who’s going to let his family steamroll your every decision, it’s a no from me.” – the-juicy-dangler
“NTA. If this was such a prized tradition, why didn’t they tell OP from the start?”
“Nah, that family was defo (definitely) trying to make something happen.” – Nervous-Tea-7074
“The ex-girlfriend is probably currently without a partner, and this is why they want her there.”
“OP, you’re probably going to find out that mommy and daddy prefer the ex over you, and they were hoping to cause drama enough to break you two up. So far, so good.”
“But that’s your ex-fiance’s fault, because had he taken your side as opposed to his parents’ and ex-girlfriend’s, things might be different.” – sammac66
“All the talk about her being inconsiderate of other people’s feelings is incredibly rich. We haven’t considered your feelings at all. But by asking us to consider your feelings, you aren’t being very considerate of our feelings. Jesus. Those people sound like a nightmare.”
“Honestly, just the very fact that his family is inviting people makes me want to gag. This is your wedding, not their matchmaker event.” – HODOR00
Others were more concerned by how the OP’s feelings were dismissed by the entire family.
“NTA. This wasn’t just about an ex being invited; it was about how your feelings and boundaries were disrespected.”
“A wedding is a union of two people, not an obligation to adhere to family traditions that make the bride uncomfortable. If this issue couldn’t be resolved amicably, it’s better to rethink the relationship altogether.” – SultrySunset
“The wedding is literally the first decision you two will make as a married couple and he’s already choosing his family over you. Not a good sign.” – Has422
“A family tradition going all the way back to right now.”
“Bro was literally going to start a new family with OP, but I guess inviting Sarah had to be the big fat priority over, say, which flowers or the flavor of cake.”
“He’s going to go through a few fiancées before he works out that his family tradition miiiiight be a problem. At least until he learns to stand up for his partner instead of his family and ex.” – Floomby
“Considering OP canceled the wedding over this, I feel it’s safe to assume Sarah actually planned on attending. That is also very weird. Who wants to go to their ex’s wedding?”
“I get that they’re still friends/friendly, but you’d think Sarah would have enough awareness to understand that her presence makes the bride uncomfortable. I don’t want to jump on the she’s-still-in-love-with-him train with this little info, but her actions are suspicious. If she actually cared about the OP’s fiance’s happiness and had ANY respect for the OP AT ALL, she wouldn’t be causing problems like this.”
“NTA, OP. Most people would find this situation alarming and uncomfortable.” – Bice_thePrecious
“No, he didn’t choose his family over her. He used his family as an excuse to choose his ex over her, which makes it 1000x worse. She definitely needs to walk away from him and his family for good.”
“Otherwise, she’ll go to her in-laws’ house, and the ex-girlfriend will be there. For every family get-together, BBQ, and holiday. Because, you know, she was at the wedding, so she’s family now.”
“I unfortunately don’t have to imagine this; I can just remember it. I’ve been there, done that, and divorced the man. She moved back to town after a bad breakup and was ‘lonely’ according to his mom, so guess who got invited to the wedding, the reception, and every family event, despite my saying no?”
“It won’t get better, OP. I’m glad you walked away when you did. At least you don’t have to go through the divorce process.” – differentkindofmom
“Stay and this will turn into, ‘Can you just apologize to keep the peace,’ at every issue his family had with OP. It’s a ‘suck it up and be nice, no matter how much they wrong you’ future for the OP.”
“Let’s start holding people accountable for s**tty behavior and stop expecting those wronged to just let it go. If he doesn’t choose you now, be prepared he never will. NTA, OP.” – trvllvr
“Choosing his family AND his long-term ex over the OP, and then trying to claim it is ‘tradition,’ is just the biggest slap in the face. Unless he thinks that his ex satisfies the ‘something blue’ part of his wedding day (eye roll).”
“Maya Angelou said it best, ‘Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.'”
“You did the right thing, OP. It’s much better to know where you stand with the person you’re supposed to marry, and their family, BEFORE the wedding.”
“Any man who is willing to place his EX-GIRLFRIEND and HER comfort over YOU and YOUR comfort, on YOUR WEDDING DAY, isn’t the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with. That will just be setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache alone on the backburner.”
“You’ve got great instincts, keep trusting in them, and they won’t steer you wrong. The person that you choose to spend the rest of your life with should always be willing to take your feelings into consideration and treat you with respect, no matter what.” – PurpleGimp
After reading the comments, the OP was grateful for the reassurance.
“Wow… I was really rethinking my decision to cancel the wedding, but these comments have made me feel justified in what I did. Thank you; you have no idea how much this means to me.”
“I feel like I have a new perspective on what I want, and I will make sure to look for signs early on in future relationships instead of finding out too late.”
The subReddit applauded the OP for advocating for herself and her feelings when it was clear that her family-in-law and, most importantly, her former future husband were unwilling to do so.
There was clearly something afoot with inviting the ex-girlfriend, and even if the family wasn’t trying to get their son back together with it, it spoke volumes that they were unwilling to listen to the OP’s concerns. That’s hardly the kind of family that you want to be tied to, especially by choice.