There are going to be times when terrible things happen to us, through absolutely no fault of our own.
But if that seems to happen to us time and time and time again, we may need to consider to things, the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit pointed out: that we might be the source of the problem, and that we need to work on our self-awareness skills.
Redditor MaterialAny9232 had a terrible relationship with her future sister-in-law (SIL) once her SIL declined her invitation to be one of her bridesmaids. The extended family seemed to be understanding of this, or at least she thought.
But when her SIL and all of her female in-laws went on a girls’ trip without her, right before her wedding, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she’d ever be considered as family to them.
She asked the sub:
“WIBTA (Would I Be the A**hole) for uninviting anyone who attended a winery day from my bridal shower, and possibly my wedding, too?”
The OP was shocked when her future sister-in-law (SIL) declined to be a bridesmaid.
“My fiancé (32 Male) and I (30 Female) are getting married in a few months. We have been dating for two years.”
“When we first started dating, his sister (25 Female) and I got along great, but when I asked her to be a bridesmaid, she turned me down.”
“She said she just did not want to do it, but I assume it’s because she would not be the center of attention.”
“Everything spiraled from there and now we are pretty much NC (no contact) with her.”
“She is a brat, truth be told, and created a ton of unnecessary drama. Some highlights were showing up with no gift to our engagement party and not saying a word to us; running into my brother in public and being extremely rude to him, followed by her and her boyfriend denying that this happened and calling my brother a liar. Now she is no longer invited to the wedding.”
The OP thought she had a close connection with the rest of her fiancé’s family, though.
“This summer, we made an effort to see other members of his family, so we have been spending our weekends meeting up for dinner with different members of his family.”
“Naturally, the issues with his sister come up. I chose not to hold back and told them exactly what she did.”
“I thought they should know how toxic she is and decide for themselves if they want her in their lives or not.”
But the family didn’t make the choices the OP expected them to make.
“Yesterday, I saw on Instagram that one of my fiancé’s cousins posted a bunch of pictures from a girls’ wine day. All his female aunts and cousins were there and of course, his sister was there.”
“I was so hurt that they wouldn’t even invite me. It felt like the pictures were posted specifically to make me feel bad and show that they took her side.”
“I am supposed to be marrying into this family in a few months and they completely left me out.”
A follow-up call with one of her future aunts didn’t go as the OP expected, either.
“I reached out to one of his aunts I thought I was close to and asked if my fiancé’s sister planned this.”
“She said no, it was another aunt.”
“When I asked why I wasn’t invited, she said it was because of the drama between me and my fiancé’s sister. They didn’t want the day to be uncomfortable, so they chose to keep it to just family, which hurt me to hear that they don’t consider me family.”
“I asked her if they meant they all took her side.”
“She claimed no one was taking sides, and if I chose to take it that way, it was up to me.”
“I ended the phone call very upset.”
The OP was considering taking her bridal shower and wedding in a new direction.
“My bridal shower is in a few weeks, and I don’t want any of them there. It’s for friends and family, and obviously, they don’t consider me family, so they don’t need to be there.”
“I want no drama at my shower, and only people who are happy for me and love me should be there.”
“I am debating if I want them at the wedding, but I will deal with that later.”
“I have a mass email written up, ready to send, disinviting them from my shower.”
“My fiancé is fine with it. He can’t stand his sister and is angry with his family.”
“My MOH (Maid of Honor) is trying to talk me out of sending it, saying it will ruin my relationship with his family and my wedding and upset my MIL (Mother-in-Law), but I think it’s already ruined.”
“Would I be the a**hole if I uninvited them?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The problems seemed to start with the SIL declining to be a bridesmaid, which some argued was a perfectly valid thing to do.
“OP probably told her the only reason she didn’t want to be one was because she wouldn’t be the center of attention. Her SIL probably noped the f**k out of that relationship. I’m merely speculating, though.”
“OP is glittered with red flags, and she ain’t even trying to hide them. Main character syndrome at its finest.” – samosa4me
“I wonder what expectations OP has of her bridesmaids and how much awareness the sister had of it.”
“Sounds like she politely declined and everything spiraled from there due to nothing more than OP’s own doing.” – TogarSucks
“I’ve known OP for all of five paragraphs and already want nothing to do with the wedding. I’m with the sister dodging out of the way.” – bookmonkey786
“Honestly, I don’t blame her for not wanting to be a bridesmaid at your wedding. You sound super high maintenance and like you expect the world without giving anything in return. If I had been in her position, I’d have declined, too.” – ConsciousExcitement9
“Being a bridesmaid is a big duty. If she didn’t feel like she was up to the task isn’t saying ‘no’ better than trying and being overwhelmed?”
“Everything about your post reads as self-centered and petulant. Try growing up a little, you are getting married after all.” – Amaeee
“No is a normal response for some people. My sister turned it down at my brother’s wedding. My SIL and her are fine with each other. She didn’t take it personally and go scorched earth on our family.”
“And if she had, we would’ve just kept our distance from her in the future, which is where you are headed.” – HeirofRavenclaw
“Ok and? I wasn’t a bridesmaid in my sister-in-law’s wedding, not because I didn’t like her or I wouldn’t be the center of attention, as you weirdly just assumed to create drama, but because I was too busy to do any obligations, and honestly didn’t know her extremely well and felt she’d have a better time including her friends.”
“She totally understood and our relationship is great and close now. You are creating drama and I cannot even fathom the idea or bad-mouthing someone to their family and then getting upset that they didn’t cut their sister, cousin, daughter, etc. out of their life, because of assumed drama between the two of you. Are you six?” – BarnacleBay
Others agreed and warned the OP of turning herself into the black sheep of the family.
“This is THEIR family, and unless other girlfriends/wives of the family men were there, then this is their girl’s day and it has nothing to do with you.”
“BUT, about the sister, something is missing here. WHY doesn’t your fiance’s sister like you? No one acts like this for no reason. Your fiance has to know and maybe hasn’t told you. It’s to the point where, okay, she’s uninvited, and NO ONE, not your fiance, not his parents, has fought you on that?! What is the truth?”
“Regarding uninviting them from everything, you’ve put together two completely unrelated things in your head, and YWBTA and become the automatic out-law if you start pulling stunts like this.”
“‘Not being invited’ to an event (especially one where you have open beef with one of the people in attendance, ahem the sister) is quite different than being ‘uninvited.'” – Away_Refuse8493
“OP, you sound EXHAUSTING! The fact that you’re future SIL didn’t want to be a bridesmaid does not automatically mean she’s a ‘spoiled brat’ because ‘all the attention won’t be on her.’ She may simply just want to enjoy the wedding without any pressure on herself. Not everyone likes the time and effort that comes with being a bridesmaid.”
“You’re the only one acting like a spoiled brat right now.”
“And way to go with alienating your soon-to-be family by ragging on their daughter/niece/cousin. If you expect the entire family to drop any communication or activities with the person they have known her entire life because ‘she hurt your fee-fees,’ you’re delusional.”
“Stop your one-woman hate campaign and grow up. Jeez.” – LeaveItToTheFates
“So, you want your family by marriage to accept you bc you are going to be family while at the same time not accepting your soon-to-be SIL because she’s toxic?”
“Are you really bad at explaining things? Because maybe she is toxic, but from everything you have said, you come off as more toxic than she is.”
“Do you honestly want people to think you are trying to get your SIL exiled from the family? Even if you are, even if she is the most toxic person ever, are you not aware that the overwhelming majority of people will have their family’s back? You are literally using family as a reason for you to be accepted but don’t think others should accept her?”
“Also, in therapy for emotional neglect. One thing that my therapist and other therapists before that have always instilled in me is not to be the reason other people hate my ‘abusers.’ I am not close with my dad and mom for many reasons, but I would be f**king mess if my issues caused a rift between my siblings and my parents.”
“What if your SIL just… doesn’t like you? Why is that not okay? Why are you so obsessed with you controlling the dynamic of the relationship between you and her? She’s not allowed to not like you publicly, but you are allowed to not like her?” – FakeOrca
“My children-in-law will back me up on this: I am the least interfering mother-in-law on the planet. For you, I would make an exception.”
“If your future MIL has the sense God gave a turnip, she will stage an immediate intervention for her son before he condemns himself to a lifetime of isolation and misery.”
“Good Lord! You are not the main character in everyone else’s life! People can make plans and have outings that have nothing to do with you!”
“Family are not going to cut off a member because a future member stirs up drama expecting everyone to take her side.”
“Gifts are never to be expected. That’s just crass. And no one is obligated to shell out time and money to be in a bridal party if they don’t want to.”
“Get over yourself and stop stirring up s**t! YTA.” – 5footfilly
“You’re already the a**hole for uninviting your fiancé’s sister and then trashing her to her own family… and why? Her biggest slights were not bringing a gift to an engagement party and declining to be a bridesmaid (both of which could have been a financial drain on a 25-year-old).”
“Who cares if your brother thought she was rude to him once? You aren’t even married into this family yet, and you’re already trying to destroy it and make people choose sides.”
“I hope you and your fiancé think long and hard about the impact of you expecting him and his family to pick you over his sister because that is extremely selfish, toxic behavior that is enough to destroy a marriage on its own.” – anotherbabydaddy
The subReddit could not stop shaking their collective head at this bride who seemed to be trying to cut her future husband’s entire family out of their married life just because her future sister-in-law didn’t want to be a bridesmaid.
While there might be more hurtful things that may have gone on behind the scenes, based on what the OP has included in the post, it seems more likely that the OP was creating the drama rather than simply being the victim of it.